Joe Nerv

It is often said (and agreed) that alcoholism is a physical, mental, and spiritual disease. My experience is that it's a social disease, too. And the social sickness often trumps the other 3.

Anyhow, without changes in all the areas above there is no possible way that I would still be sober (coming up on 30 years in August). I needed healing in every one of those areas, and that healing was a long and slow, but steady process. Little changes over time, for me anyhow.

AA has been mentioned already in this thread and you didn't respond to it so I'm not sure if you're open to the possibility, but I'm going to share my thoughts anyhow. AA helped me immensely with the mental, spiritual, and social aspects of my problem. I got myself a gargantuan toolbox for dealing with life sans alcohol, a clear and direct plan to live a spiritual life (which doesn't have to include God, should you be an atheist), and it hasn't been until recently that I realized that it probably helped me socially, the most. Alcohol WAS my social life. I didn't mix well with people unless it involved alcohol, and quite honestly, I had no desire to.

Anyhow, the people in AA taught me there was happiness and joy in socializing outside of bars, parties, etc. Go figure. I built a network of friends, began to socialize with them, and started to see life from an entirely different perspective. My friends were mostly in AA in early sobriety, but it wasn't long before I realized the rest of the world didn't drink like I used to. There are non alcoholic people who don't rely on alcohol for a good time and I just seemed to naturally start attracting them into my life. My wife has less than 10 drinks a year, if even that much. Lots of my non AA friends are the same. I don't think I'd have ever made the transition to a healthy social life without my involvement in AA. They were a powerful force in helping me to break me out of my shell.

Your story isn't unique in AA. Although most people who show up after being without a drink for a while don't last as long as you. Congratulations on that, you're obviously doing something very right. I've heard lots of people say though that they quit on their own, wound up miserable, found AA, and started to actually live. I know some people who even start counting their sober days from when they entered AA, as they feel that's when they really found sobriety - but I always thought that was nuts. I think most people think that's nuts and it's not something that's expected of anyone.

Anyhow, to come full circle, if you crack open any health text book the first chapter will almost always tell you we need to be healthy in all the areas I mentioned at the start of this post. Some will break it up into even smaller categories, but the idea is the same. I know this because I teach Health to young adults in an after school program.

AA is not the only route to the above, but it's the most accessible and well known. I'm a firm believer that we have to change, if we expect to be happy without alcohol. I'm certain of it in fact, for people like myself, and most people who wind up on forums such as this . If you've tried AA and don't feel it's right for you then I urge you to find something that is. If you haven't tried AA I think you owe it to yourself to at least give it try.

Samsonsworld

It's hard for me to imagine a life completely sober. I've been sauced for the better part of 26 years, over half my life. I enjoy social drinking. I love the taste of beer. I like the way it makes me feel. But I also know it's affected my job, my family and now my health. I believe this disease is progressive. Even if you've never drank everyday, if your an alcoholic, you willl eventually get there.

Anybody else relate to Mr. Brownstone by Guns N Roses? God, I do. I've experience it (not with heroin, which is what the song is about, but alcohol).

I used to do a little
but a little wouldn't do
So the little got more and more
I just keep tryin'
to get a little better
Said a little better than before


I want to know my grandkids. And I want to enjoy retirement, which I'll be eligible for in a short 12 years. If I have to give up a few hours of enjoyment (usually followed by a morning from hell btw) to have a future, then that's what I plan to do.

WanderingBear

Thanks for the thoughtful post, Joe. I think you really hit upon the area where I am struggling, which is the lack of a social life after alcohol. My whole social life revolved around drinking. Once the drinking stopped, so did the social life for the most part. I used to attract lots of women, and after I quit drinking that completely dropped off. The social drinking really allowed me to relax, smile, and enjoy the company of others without the overwhelming feeling of anxiety, which by the way is crippling now in social situations.

As far as AA, I never needed it to quit drinking. I made a decision to stop, and never drank again. I saw a counselor for a while (to help me through a breakup), and after hearing my life's story she thought it was remarkable that I was able to quit without anyone's help/support, etc. I have been through a lot which I don't care to get into here, but suffice it to say she considered me a rarity. I think AA is great for some people. I don't know how to say this because I don't want to offend anyone, but I am a little hesitant to build relationships with people who are still struggling with substance abuse. I don't want substance abuse, or the history of it, to be the foundation of my relationships, or what bonds me to others. I don't think it defined me even when I used to drink because I was a weekend warrior, not someone who lived for the bottle so to speak. After not drinking for so long, I will go months without even thinking about it. Lately I started to revisit my decision, I think because of loneliness and the realization that my social life disappeared, but I know it would be foolish to even have a single drink and I am not going to do it. I need to address my social anxieties, and figure out a plan to improve upon that aspect of my life.

Joe Nerv

That's completely understandable.

There are also a lot of socially struggling women in AA too though... :-).

AA isn't for everyone however. There are other routes. I think its difficult, if not impossible though to recover from this stuff on our own. Especially the social aspect.

hopelove16

I am new to this whole sobriety thing, but thank you for allowing me to see that it's not all bunny rabbits and rainbows. That makes me feel more "normal". I know, however, once I hit my rock bottom and quit drinking I went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with Bipolar I as as well as with severe anxiety disorders. I was self-medicating by drinking for years. Maybe you should look into seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist, as I can definitely feel a change in my own outlook on life, and I truly think the meds as well as the therapy are the reason for that. Drinking may make you feel happy for the first hour or so but what happens when the buzz wears off and you wake up hungover? Problems and unhappiness are still there and sometimes the drinking has added more on to that....

Cahabr

Alcohol definitely does not bring those good things you think it might - happiness, stress relief, etc. It only has negative effects. The good feelings are very, very short term. It is not a good escape.

I often think back fondly to the days I was doing drugs (LSD, cocaine, meth, pot) and feel like I had so much fun and things were easier. I know it's a lie though. We tend to remember the good parts (and further glamorize them over time) while we forget about the bad parts. Don't believe the lie. Life is full of good things that don't involve altering our reality, seek them out.

ReadyAtLast

I would probably look at this in 2 ways

1- Just think how much worse your life would be now if you had carried on drinking. It's easy to remember the good bits and forget the bad. There is a reason you stopped and if you hadn't then it would only have gotten worse.

2- I don't think drinking is the solution,Maybe look at how to improve your life now -counselling, therapy,positive thinking books/classes, personal growth etc.

Many congrats on 12years sober-it's a remarkable achievement-please don't forget that

Nuudawn

I'm so very glad you shared your struggle Bear. I actually just noticed your post on Acheleus' thread and it gave me pause. I felt like there was something much more behind your response (and I almost queried it but didn't want to hijack thread)...and ta da... here it is.
Lots of good wisdom in this thread. I too do not utilize AA for some of the rationale you alluded to. I have before but also do not wish to replace an alcohol centered life...with what would still feel like an alcohol centered life..
That being said...I do envy the community and social outlet of AA.
In my last sobriety I actually sought out the possibility of a Christian church community to find something there...and I was troubled by stuff there too...
My parents are huge curlers (the sport) and I have always noted a HUGE community in that sport...but far too much drinking for me to look at that.

All this being said...I too think there is a huge difference between sobriety and recovery. I am just trying to return to sobriety to return to my soul searching recovery where my search to find my place, my voice, my life purpose...and my individuation from my family and upbringing was only just beginning...

I'm just really glad for your post. And I do hope you are able to find the place and the source..and the soil for you to actually grow rather than spin sober wheels. Hope I do too.

Aellyce

Hi WanderingBear,

It's great that you recognized the state you are in and posted now. This was a particularly good thread about relapses:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-sobriety.html

I've been sober only a bit over 3.5 months and have never tried it before (since my drinking became a problem) but I did stop other addictive behavior before on my own without following up with a true targeted recovery regime. Result: worked for a while but I was never content and was restless... always felt that something was missing and I had to find it... but looked for it often in the wrong places despite of doing a lot of good self work also. Not enough focus on the true issues. Now I'm trying differently...

If you read the thread I linked above, there are some truly heartbreaking stories of relapses in it. There is also this general experience and opinion (which I learned from SR and find it extremely correct) is that relapses usually happen mentally before we engage in the active behavior, sometimes long before that. As far as I can see, people usually put this down to not really working on themselves or stopping that after a while.

I also tend to see that often the relapses after a long period of sobriety end up very bad and debilitating with more destruction than the first phase. Please think about the suggestions you are getting.

soberlicious

Hi wandering! I did not drink for 10 years (from about age 22 to 32). I quit cold turkey as well, and did not work a "program" per se. I was pretty happy and social for most of those years, but the thought came to me maybe I had been mistaken, maybe the problem wasn't so bad, maybe I was missing out? Surely I could drink moderately now, I mean I had "grown up".

Turns out the addiction returned very soon after I started drinking again and I gave it 7 more years of my life, very nearly losing my children and earning a nifty little vacation to the lock-up psych ward. I'm sure I looked fetching in my hospital gown and matching wrist restraints, but it was not at all how I had planned it would be.

Any time any one has been previously addicted to a substance, the likelihood of readdiction is very high. I don't have a cite for that right now as I'm in a Starbucks parking lot typing this, but I'm confident that assertion could be well documented with a quick google search.

If you want to be more social, you can learn how to do that. If you want to reduce your anxiety, there are myriad ways to do that as well. Even for someone who is NOT addicted, alcohol does not solve those problems.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news dude, but I think what's going on in your head is just the old addiction lying to you. Sweet nothings really...don't be fooled. You're smarter than that.

WanderingBear

Thank you all for the replies, I am genuinely grateful. I will continue to share a little bit about myself. This is all very personal and I've not shared some of this stuff with anyone before. There's anonymity here, and I am more comfortable because of it.

Some of those stories of relapse are scary and heartbreaking. One of the reasons I quit was because I didn't want to turn into someone like my own mother, or some of my friends who were really having difficulties because of alcohol. Stints in jail, spousal abuse, and really ugly behavior in general. The mere idea that if I started drinking again it could be much worse than before is enough to keep me from doing it.

I used alcohol as an escape from the pain. It was a temporary solution, but not lasting. I guess I just haven't really figured out a way to let it all go. There's a lot of pain deep down that I've carried all my life. I had a series of losses including my closest sibling from which I never fully recovered.

soberlicious

You will probably never be who you were before those losses. Those losses have changed your life forever. That doesn't mean things won't be good again, it will just be a different kind of good. Life will be different for sure, without them. But I feel sure they would not like to see you return to hurting yourself with alcohol, especially not in the name of grieving them. Honor them by taking good care of yourself.

Hope2014

I can't give you any advice as I am at the beginning of my journey. I hope that you find happiness , but I don't think it will be in a bottle. 13 years is a huge accomplishment. You inspire me that it can be done. I enjoyed reading your post.

83mama0f2

Sounds like you need to maybe start meditating or doing yoga... I don't know if you see into all that but it can be very helpful for anxiety and depression. Essential oils, chakra balancing and the like have been extremely helpful for me and my mood and outlook on life during the sobering process. I'm a newbie though. 10 months here

83mama0f2

I mean 8 lol

desypete

i think you have the wrong idea about aa my friend as it not just about drinking or how to stop its also about how to enjoy a sober life without booze
that seems to be what your complaining off as you dont know how to enjoy yourself without the booze
i would suggest aa to you and the steps not to get off drink but to learn how to live life without feeling your missing out etc
it must be a nightmare for anyone who is feeling so empty in life all because they can not enjoy themselves without drinking
in aa i learned how to enjoy different aspects of life like going to an aa dance you wouldnt belive it but the dance floors get full the moment the dj starts playing records lol
now in the normal places people have to have a few drinks to get up and dance and the dance floors stand empty for hours
but in aa we learn i can now go anywhere i want if i want to dance with people in a drinking place i can without feeling i am missing out or feeling i need a drink
so there really is more to aa than just stopping drinking i wish you well

TucTee

Consider two ideas:

1) Sit down and identify what your interests are. Whether it's sports, collecting items, music, etc., you can pursue an interest socially. If you're struggling to think of what to do with women, use one of your interests as a conduit for activity. If you like baseball, take a date to a baseball game. If you like Star Trek, take a date to a Star Trek convention or mingle there.

Life lacks meaning without purpose. One purpose is pursuing interests. If you have interests about which you're passionate, use those to guide your social life.

2) Try therapy again. It sounds like you enjoyed the praise you received from your past therapist for quitting without a support base. Maybe you need encouragement again from someone like a therapist who can validate your sobriety in ways non-professionals cannot. Concurrently, you'd have a venue to discuss your past trauma.