Easilypleased

I was a text book case in terms of drinking, the first time I drank at age 16 I was omitted to hospital to have my stomach pumped. From then in was very gradual and the alcoholism didn't really take full flight until I was around 25. It was then a 10 yr downhill spiral. I lost friends, injured myself, including almost losing an arm in one of the cases (hand through window). Then came the black-outs, lost an entire week in Gran Canaria one time and was not allowed on the plane home (too drunk), this ruined my brothers holiday too. One time on a Thai island I ate a shed load of cannabis and drank myself into a sub-conscious state where I was hearing voices and talking to tree's, this lasted for about 48 hrs, that was very frightening, I was living in my own world, the weird thing is I can still remember the thoughts I was having, voices I could hear, etc. Fortunately I have been sober for over 12 months now, I've done this on my own without AA, or any form of counselling, so I hope that is a positive thing for people to hear, it can be done solo (although I realise it's only the start) the problem is I'm starting to think I might be able to drink again, the old, 'I'll just not have more than a few' feeling, how difficult is that really?!? Does anyone else get these feelings? Has anyone actually been able to go back to moderate drinking? Also has anyone else had the trippy situations like the one I had in Thailand? Scared the hell out of me. I'm going away next week for a week in the sun and I keep thinking I could just have a few each day and then when I get back I'll stop again, nobody would know any different. I used to love drinking in the day time and getting to know random people in bars, etc. Or am I just kidding myself?!? perhaps I've just answered my own question. Your comments would be appreciated nevertheless.

biminiblue

"nobody would know any different."


Right. Lying to yourself is the worst form of deceit.

Kitkat331

There are so many posts on this board of ppl who were in your shoes, returned to drinking, and had a very very hard time coming back. It's an extremely risky idea.

I wonder if doing it on your own is making this harder--you don't have the same sober community that 12 step ppl have so you feel like you have less to lose by drinking. I'm not judging--right now I'm doing it on my own (with sr!) too, so I'm thinking about both of us.

I have only used pot 4 times in my life but the last time (only time eating it and I had been drinking that night) was very trippy. I was completely hallucinating and didn't know where I was. I had eaten pot brownies someone brought, so I think I may have accidentally had a huge amount of pot.

Have you ever tried to just "have a few" in the past? How did it go? I know that for me, every time I tried "a few" just really wasn't that fun/satisfying. If I'm going to drink, I like to be drunk! And the next day I feel kind of crappy and then want to be drunk again that night. Which is why I'm here.

Badger4

Hi Bloomineck,

As you said you seem to know the answer right in your post, and by coming to SR to ask just emphasizes the right path for you. Enjoy your trip!

Mentium

Seems to me from all I have read and heard that there is no going back. Once a problem develops seems to be rare indeed (in fact I have never heard of one exception) for people to drink the way they did when they started to have difficulties..mind you, started at the deep end by the looks of it. My guess is that you and alcohol do not mix well!

Easilypleased

Thanks for your comments, in 2013 I had two months off drink, I then decided to try again and I ended up in hospital with a split head, still have the scar to prove it. So I guess that says it all, I think I know what's happening, my mind is trying to con/persuade me to think that things may have changed!

delbhoy

I really hope you don't go back, I made that mistake after 3 years of sobriety and I paid the price. Like you, I was going solo, no meetings, no program, eventually I deluded myself into thinking that I could drink like a ''normal'' person...big mistake, within two weeks I was back to where I had left off three years prior, drinking spirits around the clock, hiding bottles all over the house, lying to everyone. Lost my job, my health, was hospitalized on four occasions...I could go on, but you get the picture. From what you've described, you're in the same mould as me, and therefore there's not a hope that you could moderate your drinking...maybe you could for a week or two...no more. Please, please don't go there. It won't end well.
I was very very lucky to get a second chance at this, I'm 9 months sober tomorrow. I couldn't do it on my own anymore, and I'm not preaching, but neither can you. Once those thoughts start to creep in, you're on a slippery slope. You don't have to do it on your own, no prizes for doing it on your own. Take all the help you can get. If you put even a quarter of the effort into your recovery that you did your drinking you'll live a happy, sober life. There's nothing wrong with AA or counseling, they're there to help you recover, that's it...and no...it doesn't sound like a positive thing that it can be done solo...you're white knuckling, you're dry, but that's about it, where's the recovery? Sobriety isn't just about putting down the bottle.
Rather than thinking about whether or not you can drink again, you should be seeking outside help immediately, it doesn't mean that you've failed, drinking again would be the failure. Well done on your 12 months, it's a fantastic achievement and you obviously have tremendous strength and character, now please go and get some help.

Easilypleased

Thanks for your post delbhoy, very interesting and it's really useful listening to your experience. I believe what you're saying is absolutely spot on and I'm going to go to an AA meeting tomorrow. Thanks again, just writing this and hearing the responses has felt like a form of counselling which is exactly what I needed/need. Well done on your 9 months, by the sounds of it you've had a very similar time to me with regards the drinking. I wish you all the best in your recovery.

Hevyn

Hi Bloom.

I'm way older - drank 30 yrs. I was determined to use willpower to control myself, & many times I tried. It never worked once. I had 3 years sober at one point & decided to try moderating again. This time it led me straight to hell. Much more serious things happened - I lost everyone's respect, my health, got 2 dui's. Took me 7 years to get back on track - that's when I found SR. If there'd been a way to have 'a few' now and then, I would have found it.

I'm glad you wanted to discuss this before boarding the crazy train again.

delbhoy

That's good to hear Bloomineck. I felt the same about the religion/God side of it, but now I don't get hung up on it. There's all sorts in AA, bishops and atheists. Choose something simple for a higher power, a relative that's passed away, something in nature, a child, anything that inspires you, then just concentrate on sobriety. You will meet lots of people and hear lots of things in AA that you don't agree with...just concentrate on the things/people that you DO agree with and politely smile at those you don't. Don't let these people affect your recovery, take ownership of your recovery.
You'll do great, I've no doubt, it speaks volumes about you as a person that you're willing to go to a meeting after going solo for so long. Well done again.

Easilypleased

Thanks Hevyn, yes I'm glad I discussed this on here too, it's been really good talking about it which leads me to think I'd be better in some sort of support group. Like delbhoy said in his/her post, I should accept all the help I can get!

Easilypleased

Thanks again delbhoy, I will do that. Maybe one day I'll be able to advise and help someone in the same way you have helped me today. I hope so. All the best.

least

I've tried and failed too many times to drink "normally". It's easier to just stop altogether.

Mentium

It is uncanny how willpower fails. In my case I could probably have got by and led a more or less normal life if I could have managed to drink say four days out of 7 and have three nights off the stuff a week. I would have felt moderately well and had the best of both worlds. But try as I might, even after a dryout stretch I could not so it. So even my addiction to alcohol wasn't able to accommodate a means of ensuring I drank alcohol!

It has taken me a long time to learn the lesson - my lesson in any case - that I can't moderate. Once the switch is turned on it takes Hercules himself to switch it off!

readerbaby71

Hi! You will find a lot of support here that will help you on your journey of sobriety. Glad you posted!

instant

welcome glad you found us

Doesn't sound like you have ever drunk "normally"- seems to be in your constitution- I think of this as the "off switch" not functioning properly. Won't have changed.

The ideas about drinking to me indicate the "addiction" is still active- this seems to be a common scenario. I try to accept such ideas for what they are and move on rather than entertain them.

If you have not read the Big Book of AA you might find you can relate to the stories in there.