Fallow

I have had it. Got quite intoxicated the other day whilst working in the yard. Nothing tragic happened besides an awful hangover. As usual. Im realizing the tragic part is that I started drinking again in contrast to my better judgement. That I can keep on going like this forever but never have the life I want.

Its very frustrating to be a fence sitter. A relapser. Someone who knows intellectually how to get and stay sober but cannot stay sober. Now Ive had and used every excuse and rationalization in my book. Has not worked for me.

I know that I had some tough moments when I had gotten 9 months of sobriety. And I put lots of work into it. Then I caved. I dont really know what else I need to add to make my sobriety stick. Im ready to listen to ideas though.

Today is day 2

soberclover

Not sure how to explain it but for me the key point was in accepting that I cannot control my drinking. I have failed at every single attempt and with that failure was pretty bad consequences. Just because you put some time behind you doesn't mean that you can now magically control your drinking. Time sober does not equal ability to control drinking. For ME, I know once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.

Needinghelp82

Hi,

No advice as I'm only on day two as well! Great forum though

ReadyAtLast

Welcome back Fallow You can do this-you've done it before. Soberclover is spot on- just we stay sober for a period of time doesn't mean we can control it. I know, for me, whenever I go back even if I control it for a time it eventually starts to control me again.

Congrats on 2 days

Thepatman

I think the issue is when we put our guards down and assume we can just stop working at sobriety. It was said many times on SR, so I'm not special in saying this will take a lifetime of non-stop vigilance.

Kris47

Just don't pick up the first Drink.

Every day I follow SAP

Surrender

Abstain

Pray

Let's walk TOGETHER>

falseemperor

Alcohol is for the weak. Keep up. Im even weak now. Ill chace it this friday.

Fallow

What do you mean chance it?

I chanced it and am finding out the risks are not worth the rewards. Again.

Thepatman

I disagree respectfully, putting this on weakness will only discourage.

Maybe it's for the soul wounded like me. I saw my dad die at 5 of cancer, my grandpa at 16, my grandma at 17, and my mom at 33. Seeing death right in front of you and the pain, will leave some like me scared. Like PTSD, when all you know is fear of dying and terrible nightmares you turn to something to try to cope. Specially when you are an orphan struggling financially, psychologically and don't have the luxury of a shrink.

Not trying to make my story more dramatic than others, but I am not weak. 20 men will never make me say that word. I have a mental illness that needs healing.

Yikes I vented here, sorry and no insult intended. Just mark your words please, we have some war veterans here also. They are not weak, they have seen the horrors of war and are left alone to deal with the images scared in their brain.

Ok time for my lunch before the HABS WIN.

Mags1

Hi Fallow, congratulations on day 2.

I've very nearly caved in and given in to drink, for me personally, I used this site, read peoples experiences, posted for help when needed, even if no replies writing it down somehow got it out and rationalised, sometimes.

There is always a visit to the docs, see if they can help if needed. All the best.

Hawk07

I'm not one to hand out advice as I'm a chronic relapser myself and only on day 5. Frustrated and looking for advice too! Here's an old proverb I've posted before that has given me hope...

“One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, generosity, empathy, truth, compassion and faith.”
The grandson thought about this for a minute and then asked the grandfather, “Which wolf wins?” The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

You've made it 9 months! You have incredible strength and the ability within you to fight this and win. As we all do.

tim68

For me it took a few things to take sobriety seriously and give the alcohol up. One of those things was the subtle physical signs that my body was getting ill from all the alcohol. Hot, red, flaky dry skin, stomach would burn quite often, bloating, weight gain, lethargic, laziness, weird sporadic panic attacks, high blood pressure. Luckily I feel back to darn near 100% after two weeks of sobriety. I really have no desire to go back to drinking.

I really hope you can stop drinking and I know you can if you care about your body. It will kill you in the end and you have to realize that. Get ahead of the game so you can live a wonderful life. You deserve it. Alcohol will do nothing but try to destroy it. I'm living proof of that.

Nuudawn

Loved your post in the sense....could've written it myself. Back again...on Day 3. The water here is warm and fine so far : )

least

You'll be able to stay sober when you want to be sober more than you want to drink.

MIRecovery

Recovery and abstinence are very different things. I abstained once for six years and it was hell. I white knuckled it and made no changes in my life. There was always the thought I someday could drink like other people. After 6 years I had a glass of wine at a wedding and a 4 year nightmare started that almost killed me.

I got professional help and joined AA. I gave up the notion I would ever drink normally. I admitted I was beat and that alcohol would kick my ass every time I went toe to toe with it. I became willing to do anything necessary to remain sober which meant actively working a program of recovery

instant

Its great you are getting back on track

I found it is harder to get sober than start drinking. I had many relatively short periods of sobriety, a few days, a week here and there, six weeks, six months once. Many times I struggled to get one day ("get a foothold" I used to say). Thats the addiction- it's easy to beat yourself up.

You are having another go- try to focus on what works and add to it if you can.

My biggest enemies were feeling good again, 'not remembering' and complacency. A daily dose of SR helps me on the last two- its now been three years.

Dee74

Welcome back Falllow.

Like I said, for me deciding to get sober wasn't one decision...turned out it was a whole string of little decisions, all geared to the same end - staying sober.

Just like you can't expect your mower to run without some regular maintenance, your recovery is a lot like that too.

Just like our bodies need food, our recovery needs food too.

Weakness and addiction are two different things IMO.

I doubt there's many week people here.

Living a full on addictive life, indulging in self destruction. and knowing that's what we;re doing, actually takes some determination if not some intestinal fortitude.

Recovery's all about making that work for us.
D

Fallow

Im hangin around here reading old threads. Its a bit overwhelming to realize this is gonna be a lifelong endeavor. For right now just a day at a time though.

FreeFall

Maybe it's too much to think of it as a lifelong thing at the beginning. I know it is for me, even after a year and nine months. Just keep breaking it down into manageable bits that you can handle over and over and over again. I found AVRT very helpful. Let the inner voice that knows what will be best for you to have a better life overrule the addictive voice who wants to be a drunken teenager with no responsibilities. It's not cool to be a drinker anymore-that ship sailed for most of us many decades ago.

You can do this!!

AlcoholFree66

Hi Fallow - I had 6 years and one months sobriety (well before I joined SR) but I picked up a drink again. For the last 4.5+ years I tried to get sober and did for periods. I feel like my commitment to living a sober life is finally here again. This is now Day 11 sober for me. Alcohol is not an addiction to be mucked around with. I have really seen the behaviours I've engaged in before more desperate and risky over the last year. Absolutely frightening. This is the first time where I really believe I will lose my family if I continue to drink. Drinking alcohol is so not worth that and the thing is I know how good living a sober life is. I just need to nip that horrid little temptation voice in the bud whenever it enters my head - instead replace it with all the disastrous memories that can occur when I drink.