jakec

Every time that I use I turn into that selfish, sneaky, lying piece of trash. And I will continue to turn into that person if I continue to use.

I was prescribed concerta a few weeks ago for ADHD. I convinced my self that I would be able to take it as prescribed even though stimulants were a huge problem for me in the past. Needless to say within a week(last week) I was abusing them. I told myself it was going to be different this time but of course as soon as I did it, a flip switched in my brain and I became that monster who cares about nothing but getting high. I barely slept last night and my lips all chewed up now because I was so wired.

I felt so utterly hopeless and alone today. I was back at the place where I wanted to die within a week.

I was texting an old using friend and I was planning on shooting dope with him today. I was literally all ready and walking out of the door when I stopped and pictured my mom coming home to an empty house and panicking because her son is missing. I just couldn't do it. I knew where I was heading. I knew, as much as I didn't want to believe it, that if I walked out of that door I was going to die or get locked up. Because that's where my addiction brings me.

I called my sponsor and told him about it and he figured something was up because I didn't call him for a few days. He said he read his fortune cookie at the chinese buffet last night and thought of me. He gave me the fortune today and it read "Never give up".

So I'm not giving up.

Dee74

Sometimes it's a hard road Jake and some of us have to learn the same lessons many times over - but I'm proud of the way you're dragging yourself back to where you should be.

Never give up

D

Coldfusion

Does your doctor know about your addiction problems? Please take no offense Jake, but I am surprised you were prescribed anything with abuse potential.

Carlotta

You are starting to change for the best though...you thought about how your actions would distress your mom, stopped in your track and contacted your sponsor. Progress, not perfection. Definitely never give up

jakec

Yes she does. And although doctors shouldn't prescribe controlled substances to people like me, I definitely manipulated my way into getting on them. I'm ultimately responsible for my recovery and my decisions.

Upward2Enlightenment

How about having your mom hold your meds and only give you what you should have.

At least till you get more time under your belt.

lablife

Did you know that you were strong enough not not walk out that door prior to it happening? Sounds like you made a decision, a smart one! You should be proud of that my friend.

jakec

I'm getting off the meds completely.

I've tried having my mom hold on to meds in the past. It didn't matter if she hid them, kept them in her purse or locked them up, I always got to them.

Upward2Enlightenment

That would be best. Might want to find a new doctor, one that won't enable you.

afloatsober

Jakec

'walking out of the door when I stopped and pictured my mom coming home to an empty house and panicking because her son is missing'.

These aren't the thoughts of a thoughtless nasty person.

That's not the real you.

If we wan't to find ourselves then we must never give up trying no matter what. And if we fall short sometimes that is ok too. It's all part of being a sober human being.

Be safe.

G

MnEman

"I definitely manipulated my way into getting on them. I'm ultimately responsible for my recovery and my decisions."

that is a very simple and powerful understanding that will serve you well in your search for contented sobriety- If you want to change, there can be no excuses, to yourself or others.

Good luck!