Fidget

Ok. So YES! i did use last night right b4 i went to bed. it was hard not to, but yes... i did. Now... my BF works overnight and i work during the day and lately, i cant seem to get a lot of hours. but luckily for me, my hours picked up! I am supposed to work today at 1130 am, but i have been awake since 4 am and no using. i tried to wake my bf up bc he told me he needs to stay up during the night when he is off... so i was up with him unil 1am. woke up at 4, and he was next to me. so i told him i would make him breakfast if he got up... so he said give him 10 more minutes. so i decided to take a shower... i needed HOT water on me this morning. then i am done and he is sleeping. so i wake him up and he says that he PROMISES to get up in 10, so i check the boards. go back into the bedroom, and he is sleeping again... i call his name and i say... you blatently lied to me... she says sorry and goes back to sleep... al the while i am shaking, crying, feeling let down and i dont know what to do. it is pretty apparent that he only likes me when it is convient for him to like me. I AM SO DEPRESSED!

Then to top it all off... he is mad at me bc i am not working too many hours at work... he says that i need to work more. i am working a lot now, and taking care of him, while trying to stay clean, and make sure that his affairs are in order. all on 3 hours of sleep a night if the nightmares dont scare me awake for days at a time again. my body hurts. my head hurts. my heart hurts.

WTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTF! HELPPPPP!!!!!!!


For the first time in my life last night, i felt like i could do this.. and now i feel like i cant again! i am going to break my time from yesterday! I AM! I WILL!!! and i will feel better when i say that i did!


But right now, i just kinda wish i could crawl in a hole and dissappear!

ted

HEY FIDGET,SLOW DOWN AND TAKE IT EASY.ALL THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON.I KNOW IF I'M NOT USING THINGS JUST HAVE A WAY OF WORKING OUT.JUST DON'T USE TODAY NO MATTER WHAT.WHEN I'M UNDER THE INFLUENCE I TEND TO MAKE MOUNTAINS OUT OF MOLE HILLS.I'M NOT SAYING YOUR NOT HURT.BUT FOR ME I CAN THINK AND REACT MORE RATIONALLY IF I'M SOBER AND DOING WHAT I NEED TO FOR MYSELF.
RIGHT NOW THE MAIN THING IS TO GET YOURSELF CLEAN,ALL THE REST WILL FALL INTO PLACE.......... ........STAY STRONG.....GODSPEED FRIEND

......................ted

HarryH

Fidget, I don't think I would be able to stay clean if I was spending more time taking care of someone else instead of myself and what I have to do to stay clean.

I can only tell you how I do it and what helps me. I ask a Power greater than myself, every morning, to help me stay clean just for today. Make sure I go to meetings. I have a sponsor to get help and direction from.

For me, first there is God, second myself and my recovery and then my wife and responsibilities. For without God and recovery I am no use to anyone else, let alone myself.

Hang in there, and God bless.

Harry

Fidget

Thanks Harry.

splendra

Fidget-

Did you get my private message?

Chy

Fidget,

I know relationships and our expectations of them can fail us miserably. But girl, you gotta get it together. I knew he was gonna bring you down with him last night when you were here trying hard to stay away from the stuff.

What you have to remember is that even though your trying to quit your still involved with an active user. And active users don't give a flying flip about much of anything or anyone but themselves, until they clean up. You shouldn't be surprised by this or his behavior, he's doing what addicts do.

Now what plan of action are you going to take? What do you want to do? Is this the relationship of a lifetime you had hopped for? Time to start doing somoe soul searching, as well as find a means of support for you to lean on while you clean up, if your ready to clean up. As Harry mentioned, there is a power greater then yourself out there ready to help guide you when your ready! *hugs*

needtogrowup

Amen..chy, splen,and harry
Sweetie, stay with us and come back often. We all can relate. I am too knew in recovery to advise yet but my heart tells me that without these people I couldn't have 5 days clean today. love ran

Fidget

i broke hard yesterday. 13 hours, and i was the biggest mess i have ever been. my bf and i fought about his schedule vs mine. i was up at 430 am, woken by nightmares, and there he was... sleeping away. he told me that if he has off to wake him up. i was trying until 745am. then i got up and started to cry. i said.. why cant you be an adult and wake up so i can try to sleep. ( have not had more than 3 hrs a night ) then he fought with me about my job. he said that i dont do enough. i started to cry and i said... i clean YOUR house, i cook YOUR meals, I follow YOUR schedule and bc i work one less day a week than you youre mad? then he got all pissy and stared yelling at me. i cried for 5 hours straught in different places in the house, shaking and wheezing. then he had to go out and run errands. so i had to drive him... he has a suspended license. so then we go to the store and he asks nice if i wanna come in with him. i say ok. shaking still. then he walks 5 fet ahead of me the whole time, and ignores my existence. so i went out into the car. he finished shopping and came out and handed me the bag, while i was in tears. he can not yet believe that i have a problem. then we get home and i go into the house and start to cry again. i was in such bad shape and i could not stop. then he taunted me with a joint at about 530pm. i gave in.

same thing today. except kim... my best friend, noticed my hands shaking and that i was red in the face and that i could not sit still. she know and she promised to help me. i thanked her, got home, and the bf started in again. i did not smoke or pill pop... yet. and i am on hour 9.... lil shakey and chain smoking. but making it... how should i handle his unwillingness to help me, or more than that... see and know that i need help,a nd not egging on!?

KelKel

Girl, maybe you should think about jumping off the boat before it sinks...
Time to put you first, even if it means making painful decisions.

Big Hugs To You...


Here is a brand new boat for you.
:boat

lizzy81001

hey fidget,
what harry siad there at the end is about all that could be said so perfectly. relationship problems make it so much harder. i haven't had a chance to read the other posts on your other thread yet so i am not in the loop too well. last i read you were doing great. can you live by yourself. what is the deal with waking him up in the early hours? i really need to get back on your other thread. lady, you will make it. i know you relapsed and that is ok. how you feel right now will be on your mind for a while and may help you from doing it again. i know how hard it is. yesterday was excruciating for me. i really thought i was going to smoke, i couldn't handle the paranoia and lack of sleep becasue of. i made it though and i have no doubt you will too. stay here with us. we are here for you. pm me if you need someone to talk to. i too have a huge problem with the reefer. i hope you are doing ok. my prayers are with you
love ya
audra

Fidget

thank you audra. i am still trying to figure everything out. have you ever wondered if maybe quitting was just not for you? that is what is going thru my head! i know i should... but... well... life is just so hard! this makes it tolerable, but then again there are people who are not addicts who live happy lives! maybe i could have that!

cloudy lady

Fidget,

Happy lives. . . it depends on how you define happiness. If happiness is numbing yourself to reality, I guess an addict can be happy for a little while.

If happiness is knowing that you are true to yourself and that you are living in harmony with God(the universe) and your true friends and family, then your only chance for that kind of happiness is to work on it one day at a time until it becomes your reality.

As for trying to save your bf, you can't do that. You just need to take care of yourself. It's not that you are being selfish. It's like if you are struggling for air, you don't have the strength to help someone else.

Don't let someone else make you feel guilty. You are doing the best you can. And if he can't see that, it's because he is too wrapped up in his own problems to see what you are going through.

L.B.

Fidget

[QUOTE=cloudy lady]Fidget,

If happiness is knowing that you are true to yourself and that you are living in harmony with God(the universe) and your true friends and family, then your only chance for that kind of happiness is too work on it one day at a time until it becomes your reality.

QUOTE]


to be honest... i just found god. i was lost in a warped reality where he was not there. i was in hell!

Fidget

They view hell as the absence of God. i was never religious, but i realized that when i am using, i have no god. i have nothing. everything is different. i have been sober for 13 hours and i am praying to God every 5 minutes to keep me strong.


is it normal to need to be wheened? or is cold turkey the best bet?