Slow Learner
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 267
Slow Learner
I've lurked on this site for the past couple of years as I slowly, slowly, slowly came to understand and admit that I had no control over my drinking. Apparently I'm still understanding and admitting, which is why I finally joined the forum this afternoon. I'm hoping that graduating from lurker to poster will signify a greater commitment to the life I want to lead (as opposed to the life I've been living).
I've been a drinker my whole adult life. Looking back I realize that I became concerned about my drinking habits as early as my late 20s, but I remained high-functioning until my late 30s. By then my habits had finally escalated to a point that even I could no longer downplay, let alone contain, though I certainly kept trying.
By age 40, I finally started to attempt to make changes. . .at which point things boomeranged into entirely new levels of disfunction. Trying to fight seemed only to put me repeatedly on the ground, elbows pinned.
Finally, in 2013, the wheels came off entirely in a year characterized start to finish by alternating periods of abstinence and relapse. By the time the dust settled, I'd damaged my marriage and my reputation, landed myself in jail, and reached a point of genuine despair.
Late last year I made a move I'd been resisting and attended a couple of 12-step meetings. I found the meetings valuable, though I didn't continue attending. Instead, I started 2014, sober, vigilant, and working hard on many aspects of my life that had fallen into disrepair. And sober I've remained all year. . .
. . .until this past weekend. (Which I'm convinced really started a couple of weeks before that, when, after a long internal debate, I allowed myself a social drink to celebrate a reunion with an old friend and business partner).
I think the fact that this drink DIDN'T turn me immediately from Jekyll back into Hyde was the worst possible result I could have expected. Because after 110 days of sobriety--my longest "unenforced" period as an adult--I convinced myself that I was different from everybody else on this forum whose posts I've valued over time.
And so, today, here I sit, with 41 new hours, a body slowly filtering out the toxins, and a head full of utter disbelief (and shame, and all the rest) that I reset that clock. I was proud every day of the number on it.
I do also have a 24-hour chip in my pocket. It's not a token I once thought I'd ascribe much significance to, or carry with me. But my feelings about that may be changing.
I've been a drinker my whole adult life. Looking back I realize that I became concerned about my drinking habits as early as my late 20s, but I remained high-functioning until my late 30s. By then my habits had finally escalated to a point that even I could no longer downplay, let alone contain, though I certainly kept trying.
By age 40, I finally started to attempt to make changes. . .at which point things boomeranged into entirely new levels of disfunction. Trying to fight seemed only to put me repeatedly on the ground, elbows pinned.
Finally, in 2013, the wheels came off entirely in a year characterized start to finish by alternating periods of abstinence and relapse. By the time the dust settled, I'd damaged my marriage and my reputation, landed myself in jail, and reached a point of genuine despair.
Late last year I made a move I'd been resisting and attended a couple of 12-step meetings. I found the meetings valuable, though I didn't continue attending. Instead, I started 2014, sober, vigilant, and working hard on many aspects of my life that had fallen into disrepair. And sober I've remained all year. . .
. . .until this past weekend. (Which I'm convinced really started a couple of weeks before that, when, after a long internal debate, I allowed myself a social drink to celebrate a reunion with an old friend and business partner).
I think the fact that this drink DIDN'T turn me immediately from Jekyll back into Hyde was the worst possible result I could have expected. Because after 110 days of sobriety--my longest "unenforced" period as an adult--I convinced myself that I was different from everybody else on this forum whose posts I've valued over time.
And so, today, here I sit, with 41 new hours, a body slowly filtering out the toxins, and a head full of utter disbelief (and shame, and all the rest) that I reset that clock. I was proud every day of the number on it.
I do also have a 24-hour chip in my pocket. It's not a token I once thought I'd ascribe much significance to, or carry with me. But my feelings about that may be changing.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
It's great to have you join us Pupkin.
My drinking history is a lot like yours. I knew early on I didn't drink like others, but still kept insisting I could control it. It feels so good to be free.
My drinking history is a lot like yours. I knew early on I didn't drink like others, but still kept insisting I could control it. It feels so good to be free.
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