genesuu

Just wanted to say thanks to those posting here. I have lurked for quite a while. I'm a ten year drunk with only three months sober, then things went awry and I drank continuously for three months to make up for it. Took off work for court this morning, a simple citation, but realized I was still too wasted from the night before to drive. .... so all the work I've put in doing overtime at my job is going to heck today because my weekend leaked into Monday. I'm so stupid. Why, still. After so many times knowing what this does. I look wiped out. I'm too afraid to go to work. I don't want to be jobless, but ifi go in my swollen eyes will give me away. Please, anyone who is considering drinking again. ... DON'T. It is a wolf that will suck you in and never let you be free.i want to cry. I have tried so hard to be responsible, work overtime, be the best employee and now I just feel worthless and a burden. I've moved so my home group is not close. Going to try to find meetings closer, but Jeez. .... This is really a beast in my life. I have nightmares constantly about the love I lost, although I know his issues were much deeper than alcohol. I need to see a therapist for everything I've gone through. Life feels like a unaccomplishable task. My heart aches. Please make this all end. I am suffering.

lovesymphony

Welcome genesuu... It does feel impossible sometimes but it's not. I've known people who couldn't do ANYTHING because of their perpetual boozing. They even drank through AA meetings but they're sober and living happy lives now. This board has been a tremendous help for me, too. The other thing that helped with urges was to write out all the reasons I don't want to drink anymore and review the list over and over during the day.

Putting a lot of time into quitting each day seems to the answer for a lot of people who are early in recovery, whether it's with AA or some other program. You have acknowledged alcohol is doing no good and you want to stop. That's great. Some people can't get that far. I had an alcoholic ex who got very defensive when I suggested we both may have drinking problems. And he drank much more than me.

I'm still somewhat of a newbie. I'm sure you'll get more experienced replies but I've been reading here a lot and it seems that daily time and effort, while making not drinking your highest priority in life for a while has worked for a lot of alcoholics.

Keep coming back

Nonsensical

Welcome to the posting side genesuu!

If you've been reading here a while then you know there is no magic wand anyone here can wave and take away your addiction. You have to come up with a plan that works for you, and stick to it.

If you believe therapy will help, then make an appointment. Take action to make the changes in your life that you need to stay sober.

You can do this.

genesuu

I know I need to find a good therapist. It's a little disappointing that the one I did find was just good at throwing prescriptions at me. Librium, ativan. For a while these worked in conjuction with AA meetings and I was just taking ativan to help me sleep. After a very traumatic break up with the ex, I picked up drinking daily. About a pint of vodka a day. Then I filled by librium prescription and realized it helped me with withdrawal. But my gut hurts worse each day. I realize this doctor is only good at quoting prescriptions and not so good at recovery. And I'm doing myself in by taking pills and drinking. Not what I had in mind when I put the 1500 dollar payment in to see him.

least

Can you get a new therapist? Yours sounds like a pill pusher.

It is possible to stop drinking but it's hard at first. I hope our support can help you stop drinking for good.

Welcome to the family.

Croissant

Genesuu...welcome.

I called in sick one day too many, just like you. I found it just too painful to watch myself lie about this anymore and call in sick.

I knew if it killed me, I just had to not drink, not down one more would destroying drop.

genesuu

Thank you for the welcome. I will try but most therapists keep the same hours I do and work is so important right now. That's why I'm so angry that I missed a whole day due to drinking. I told my family that I had food poisoning. I am feeling like a failure and that AV keeps telling me I'm not worth a thing. Please help. I'm sorry. This hurts so badly.

Nonsensical

9 sentences on what didn't work and 1 on what you ought to be doing next.

Time to reverse that ratio and build some forward momentum!

genesuu

You're right, but it helps to say what is wrong. And the reasons I keep drinking. I live at home now. I've been taken advantage of by two friends. My boyfriend left me because he could not be monogamous. None of this is my fault but it haunts me. My dreams are tainted by this. I feel suicidal quite a lot but would not do that to my family, so I guess it's ideation.

Treerat66

Hi genesuu, welcome to SR

tomthern

Welcome early sobriety is rough. I told my boss and she was great about it. I was lucky I know. After you get sometime it does get easier. You will always have your moments, or days. I know I do and I do have a lot of time but I still have my days. I still make mistakes and bad choices. I realized no one promised me a perfect life just a life. I have to admit it is a better life.

Chicagoan

Professional therapy and medications are surely helpful,
however, I find that sharing with fellow alcoholics that
are sober or seeking sobriety helps me the most.

This great site is a Godsend.

MemphisBlues

Genesuu, I think you will find that most psychiatrists will only prescribed medication and practice little in way of therapy. I feel into that trap for more than 15 years. My part is I played him like a fiddle to get more and more benzos, antidepressants, heck, he even gave me phenobarbital for stomach issues.

A PhD psychologist, or even a licensed social worker, will have more experience with recovery and related mental disorders than a psychiatrist.

Unless you can pay incredibly high fees for a psychiatrist who will write scripts for meds and engage in talk therapy, you will simply fall into a routine of seeing the psychiatrist for 20 minutes to discuss meds, and he or she will tweak your dosage or switch meds.

And I must say I find it disturbing that a psychiatrist knows a patient is in recovery and would write scripts for a benzo. I can see writing a script for alcohol withdrawal, but my jaded, nonmedical view is that that would best be left in the hands of an internist who also has hospital privileges other than a psych ward. And there are other non-benzo sleep aids out there that don't have the addictive potential of benzos.

Find a good PhD psychologist or licensed social worker that friends in AA might recommend. Better yet, go to the therapist first and if the therapist thinks medication might be in store, he or she will recommend one they have a relationship with and also one the therapist thinks is savvy in treating those in recovery.

And thanks for posting about your struggles. Sharing helps not only you, but me!

Dee74

Welcome genesuu

why not use the support here a little more...check out our Class of May support thread for starters?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2014-a-11.html

D

LadyinBC

Welcome! so glad that you finally posted. You will find so much support here.

genesuu

Yes, this so called addiction therapist asked for 1500 up front for six months. His Secretary or whatever she is and I have spoken more than I have with the doctor. I've been prescribed ativan, librium, naltrexone, and recently gabapentin. I guess throwing pills at someone you barely speak to is easier. He doesn't even check to see how i'm doing. I have no respect for this approach and will not be renewing my services with him. I think this is a very dangerous way to'treat' an addict. Then suddenly because I called and said I was having issues drinking again, he canceled my three refills for ativan. Suddenly canceling a prescription like that can cause a seizure, why would you do that? O_o

genesuu

While the doctor issue didn't help, I know from all your posts and from rereading mine that I have a drinking issue and a living issue. I don't mean to make excuses and I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of being tired and worn out and scared to face people. I just want to disappear. My head hurts. Keep your sobriety. It's so much better than this nonsense.

MemphisBlues

Well, I think librium is prescribed during alcohol detox, and since it was one of the precursor drugs before benzos hit the world stage, it probably might prevent seizures?

You might want to look at the cancelled prescription of the benzo as a blessing in disguise.

Since you already paid this guy upfront, maybe you should stick with the six-month commitment.

Regardless, admitting your problem, seeking a specialist out for help, and posting here are all good signs that you are committed to recovery.

And frankly, your doctor would probably face some liability issues for keeping you on Ativan knowing you had relapsed.