I messed up
 

It's humbling to post that after 10 weeks of sobriety I messed up yesterday evening. I had the tools available to me to avoid it, but I chose not to use them and went ahead anyway. My courage is good, and I am taking several valuable lessons from the slip:

1. I cannot moderate - I had 1 carefully measured ounce of vodka that finished a bottle and then went on to drink several glasses of wine over the course of the evening and only stopped because there was no more alcohol.

2. I did not enjoy it and prefer sobriety over being buzzed / drunk - I started to feel effects after just 1/2 ounce of vodka and did not enjoy how dumb, cloudy and uncoordinated it made me feel.

3. I can move past mistakes and my self worth isn't tied to my day count of sobriety. This may sound really odd but in some ways the slip has given me a sense of relief. Earlier this week I posted that I was tying my self worth to my day count and that if I ever slipped I was terrified I might be too overwhelmed to start again and may just give up. I was initially heart broken and felt like I had thrown away the last 10 weeks, but I woke up this morning with a calm resolve to sobriety and realized I was the same person this morning as I was yesterday before I drank.

4. I don't need to count days. Tied to point 3 I don't feel the need to count days anymore. What I need to do is just not drink today.

5. I need to be more careful and aware and listen to myself. I knew some things were slipping for the past week and the AV was making a strong case for moderation. I know I can't stay socially isolated forever, but I did too many things too fast without preparation and support.

6. After effects of drinking really suck - I woke up around 3am with a wave of nausea and realized I was sweating buckets. The cycle was repeated several times over the next several hours. Even though I've dealt with insomnia since quitting, I realized how much better it is to just wake up instead of wake up feeling sick and sweaty. A headache and lingering mild queasiness today is reinforcing the message.

In some ways I think I needed this. I feel a lot more humble and grounded like I was in the early days when I quit 10 weeks ago.

Thanks for listening

I hope you've learned a valuable lesson from this and that this will be your last day one.

Hi Lance
 

WOW!
You sound exactly like me. Last June I went through withdraw and it was horrifying. I stayed sober for 9 months. After that period, the stinking thinking kicked in, I thought I probably could drink a couple of beers and quit, no such thing, I went back to heavy drinking immediately. In one week I ended up in the ER three times! I never done before, drank in the morning Then I started to do something that I never done before, I was waiting in line at the local liquor store waiting for it to open. I was up to 18-20 beers a day. I isolated myself in my room and drank, lost total interest in anything other than alcohol.
I even would drink up my emergency supply that I kept under the bed, knowing well that I would get the shakes. Well about 2 weeks ago (while I was drinking) withdraw symptoms kicked in, the granddaddy of them all. I had my first seizure, paced back forth, shook so bad that I couldn't even pick up a glass, it was absolute living HELL! Went to the ER again, and then spent 12 days in detox. For the very first time, I now understand that I can never drink again. I'm 2 days out of detox and depressed as hell. But today I forced myself to leave the house. We can make it Brother, pick up the pieces. We have a disease as deadly as cancer. It will be a life-long battle, we will never be cured. You need lots of positive support and determination. Yes, it was no longer relaxing to drink and it tasted like S__T. But I couldn't get enough of it.
Like I said, pick up the pieces, today is a new day. And most off all, get rid of any guilt you may have for screwing up, feelings like that can cause you to reach for another drink. Stay strong and God Bless.

Chicagoan

I'm glad you're back Lance.

Was this the dinner you posted you were apprehensive about and worried over coming out as an alcoholic?

I don't think relapses are inevitable and I definitely don't think they're the best way to learn, but we can learn from them if we set our mind to it.

I hope you can make this your turning point - do the work and put in the effort...the next time you find yourself against the wall, as we all do, you'll be glad you did :)

D

Sorry you drank Lance.

I agree,the morning after is awful.Well done for sticking today out,tomorrow will be better.

Wishing you well.

A little apprehensive about the evening

Well Lance your apprehension was well founded. Maybe next time take a pass. Wait until you have abetter hold on things before putting yourself in that situation again.

Thanks for posting and glad to have you back. Now you know...

'I can move past mistakes' - this is so true! I was so disappointed when I drank last Wednesday night on the 17th day sober - today is day 5 - day 1 was horrid, I was so disappointed with myself. But I'm now back living the sober live I enjoy and know is the only path for me.