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Old 05-10-2014, 01:06 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Confused, help please


Hi,

I've never really spoken about this. I have bought all the books, read so many forums and have so many questions. I have a cocaine addict boyfriend. It's hard to say that without wanting to cry or constantly scream and ask why. He has been an addict for years. We dated when we were kids and I found him again after 10 years of not speaking. We went out on our first date and I noticed he was 3 hours late, very paranoid and cold. I thought it was nerves to be honest. Anywho, we were great for a while. I noticed he never wanted to hangout because he was tired. He always had to go run errands for an hour or so every couple of hours.

One night I guess he really wanted to use that he called me. He always called when he was on it. He started a whole story about things that weren't adding up. It was odd. He confessed to me that he lied about being sober and that infact he was on white. I was hurt, cried for sometime but told him that he could come to me for anything we would work through it.

Now, he breaks promises, never calls, is always upset. Doesn't ever want to leave his room. Everytime I go to spend time with him, he is beyond angry. He says that he wants to be alone to do a line from here to there. He's always mean to me when he is feening.


He said that he doesn't believe that I love or care about him. That's his answer to everything that I'm going to walk away from him. That my kindness is fake because I don't judge what he does. I try to help him take his kind off of it. He makes no effort to change. But he wants my help. He works, pays his bills ect. He's responsible when it comes to all that. My question is his mother said to not give up on him and be patient but they gave up along time ago.

From people that understand this situation better than I ever will, what advice could you give me?

Please? I'm at my final rope.
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Old 05-10-2014, 04:09 PM   #2 (permalink)
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My advice would be to cut him loose. Give him his freedom unless you want this situation to be your life. He's demonstrated that he doesn't want to be clean and doesn't care much about the relationship.

I'd say goodbye and make a decent life for myself, if it were me.


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Old 05-10-2014, 04:20 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I would have to agree.
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Old 05-10-2014, 04:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
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You can never trust a drug addict if they are actively using. Their addiction does the talking and it's mostly gonna be lies. I would encourage you to give him an ultimatum. It sounds like he needs professional help/rehab.
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Old 05-10-2014, 04:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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So he told me he wants my help. He apologized for how he has acted and told me that he doesn't want me to give up on him. He says he's tired of it but can't stop. He told me that he asked himself if he loved me and said he does. From the advice I have received from you guys, I agree. I feel that addict or not, if you love someone you will seek them for help. I say this because I come from a family of addicts. I don't know. Would you go to his house and speak to him? He doesn't have a phone, I call his moms phone and I don't want to constantly bother her although she said it was okay. I feel somewhat upset and guilty.
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Old 05-10-2014, 04:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Let him contact you. If he wants your help, let him ask for it and follow some guidelines as well. Actions don't lie.
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Old 05-10-2014, 04:56 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Steph, I would tell him he has to go to detox/rehab. If he is not going to make the effort to get clean you can't be with him.

Like least said, actions speak louder than words.
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Old 05-10-2014, 05:11 PM   #8 (permalink)
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This is so hard. I'm going to let him contact me like you guys are saying. When he does I'm going to speak about different ways we can try helping him. He went to rehab and apparently it didn't do much for him. I just hope he straightens out and genuinely wants the help. He himself said he didn't want to drag me into this.

I'm mostly scared of how co dependent I have gotten. I don't speak to anyone, I'm always staring at my phone, I'm irritable, ugh.

Sucks. I feel 25 going on 50.
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Old 05-10-2014, 05:13 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Steph we have a Friends and Family Forum here, they can give you more support and insight
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Old 05-10-2014, 05:27 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Yes, please check out the Friends & Families forum.
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Old 05-10-2014, 05:55 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Sorry guys

Thankyou
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Old 05-10-2014, 06:29 PM   #12 (permalink)
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There's not much you can do. He will or he won't, it's up to him. Not everyone recovers. Does he go to AA/CA/NA meetings? If not, that's a good start.
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Old 05-10-2014, 06:40 PM   #13 (permalink)
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How long should someone have to wait for someone else to sort out their addictions?

The answer could be a lifetime, but should you have to risk wasting your life, waiting for someone else to sort themselves out? If he has no intention to seek help for his addiction, then your wait I fear could be a long one!!

YOU need to look after YOU . . . live your life and be happy, instead of waiting around for him to sort himself out, which could be never!!
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Old 05-11-2014, 08:39 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Thankyou all. I appreciate the words of advice!
From the bottom of my heart I really do.
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Old 05-11-2014, 09:14 AM   #15 (permalink)
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These might give you something to think about Steph



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Old 05-11-2014, 12:28 PM   #16 (permalink)
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he has to be willing to get his own help

the rest is manipulating you....meaning He needs to want to stay stopped and to recover, otherwise it becomes a really bad codependent relationship that goes nowhere.

why not raise your standards and move forward with your life now?
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Old 05-11-2014, 01:50 PM   #17 (permalink)
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There seem to be a lot of folks advising you to give up. Maybe they're right. But I'm sure glad most folks didn't give up on me.

It's not an easy decision and only you can make it.
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Old 05-11-2014, 02:00 PM   #18 (permalink)
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I know you are hearing a lot of people saying leave. I have been sober for a while, 26 years and what I have found is that people who get sober for other people don't always stay sober. It becomes too easy to slip and blame the other person. They also tend to resent the person that is keeping them from it. You are only 25 and you are trying to bear too much responsibility on yourself. It isn't easy especially when he hasn't really been able to stay sober. He may when he realizes that you aren't there. I had lost everyone. I told myself that I was ok. I kept drinking, going home with people I didn't know trying to convince myself that it was ok. I lived in a boarding house barely surviving. I know for some that isn't a low bottom but it was for me. I had to feel all that pain before I could realize that I had to do something for me. That's when I could finally surrender. Maybe he now needs to find his own bottom. Then he can change.
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Old 05-11-2014, 02:15 PM   #19 (permalink)
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You all have been amazingly patient with me. Thank you for the support. I really really appreciate it. I know that today when I spoke to him, he told me he wasted his whole
check on it. Spend 3 days out. That's almost 500$ if I'm not mistaken. Ridiculously dangerous. He didn't know how to react when he saw me, he kept looking away, told me that I might not believe him but he does love me, and that he doesn't understand how I can be so loving to him.

I sat down next to him, and told him that he needs to get better for himself. I wasn't worried about us but his life. He asked if I believed in god because he didn't anymore. I then explained to him that no matter what higher power, energy or whatever you decide to believe in now has kept you alive until this point. You have purpose and you will see it when you begin to care for yourself.

As I looked at him I saw a handsome young 27 year old man waste away. So sad to watch the person you love kill themselves. What I didn't realize is that the 25 year old speaking about purpose to an addict was loosing her own looking after him.

Which leads me here, day 1 of the hardest steps I have to take.... Detox.
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Old 05-11-2014, 02:16 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by steph0409 View Post

He says that he wants to be alone to do a line from here to there.
best for you to just (leave him alone) with his demons
possibly -- let him know on the way out
if he ever has a true desire to be clean and sober
you would support that

warning
a lifetime spent with a using addict
is as close to hell as one can get while still on earth

MM
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