I don't even know who I am
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: MI
Posts: 102
I don't even know who I am
I work incredibly hard. Ten hours at the least on a weekday. I drive one of those big box trucks that drop your packages on your porch.
Sometimes I go through stretches where I drink on those nights, every night, and I burn off the hangover pretty quickly in the morning.
Sometimes I go through stretches where I try to get sober, I go three or four days without a drink based on my own resolve, and I feel nothing except more physical endurance and more confusion. No withdrawal, no accountability, no nothing. Just more confusion.
Every single person I talk to, I lie to. My mom, my friends, my boss, everyone. None of them have any idea who I really am. A very pretty girl, a customer on my route, gave me her number a couple days ago, but it's not like I can even use it. The handsome, happy delivery boy she sees is just a facade, a grand ruse. He's not there, he spends his nights wondering if he's going crazy and making posts on sobriety forums.
Sometimes I go through stretches where I drink on those nights, every night, and I burn off the hangover pretty quickly in the morning.
Sometimes I go through stretches where I try to get sober, I go three or four days without a drink based on my own resolve, and I feel nothing except more physical endurance and more confusion. No withdrawal, no accountability, no nothing. Just more confusion.
Every single person I talk to, I lie to. My mom, my friends, my boss, everyone. None of them have any idea who I really am. A very pretty girl, a customer on my route, gave me her number a couple days ago, but it's not like I can even use it. The handsome, happy delivery boy she sees is just a facade, a grand ruse. He's not there, he spends his nights wondering if he's going crazy and making posts on sobriety forums.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,371
I had no idea who I was either. I was whoever I thought people wanted me to be.
One of the best things about recovery was rediscovering who the real me was - and finding out he was a pretty decent guy.
I think you should give yourself the chance to find out who the real Spartan Green is.
You already know what the first step is...
D
One of the best things about recovery was rediscovering who the real me was - and finding out he was a pretty decent guy.
I think you should give yourself the chance to find out who the real Spartan Green is.
You already know what the first step is...
D
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1,506
Originally Posted by SpartanGreen 
I work incredibly hard. Ten hours at the least on a weekday. I drive one of those big box trucks that drop your packages on your porch.
Sometimes I go through stretches where I drink on those nights, every night, and I burn off the hangover pretty quickly in the morning.
Sometimes I go through stretches where I try to get sober, I go three or four days without a drink based on my own resolve, and I feel nothing except more physical endurance and more confusion. No withdrawal, no accountability, no nothing. Just more confusion.
Every single person I talk to, I lie to. My mom, my friends, my boss, everyone. None of them have any idea who I really am. A very pretty girl, a customer on my route, gave me her number a couple days ago, but it's not like I can even use it. The handsome, happy delivery boy she sees is just a facade, a grand ruse. He's not there, he spends his nights wondering if he's going crazy and making posts on sobriety forums.
Sometimes I go through stretches where I drink on those nights, every night, and I burn off the hangover pretty quickly in the morning.
Sometimes I go through stretches where I try to get sober, I go three or four days without a drink based on my own resolve, and I feel nothing except more physical endurance and more confusion. No withdrawal, no accountability, no nothing. Just more confusion.
Every single person I talk to, I lie to. My mom, my friends, my boss, everyone. None of them have any idea who I really am. A very pretty girl, a customer on my route, gave me her number a couple days ago, but it's not like I can even use it. The handsome, happy delivery boy she sees is just a facade, a grand ruse. He's not there, he spends his nights wondering if he's going crazy and making posts on sobriety forums.
Hi, I think addicts generally have 2 life's, there's the one that people in our families and work colleagues see you know the happy face, but behind this is the real us for which we must control, I spent every second at work wishing the hours away so I could start drinking again, a total waste of a human life.
Re-addressing is the key here, you are not going crazy at all, in fact you are being very brave addressing your demons.
Well done and good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
I work very hard, at a difficult job, too. I work in the entertainment industry were it's considered all right to have drinks at lunch or dinner.
Unlike you, everyone knew I was a drunk. I was so bad I couldn't even hide it.
I drank like a fish at home alone, too.
I would get three or four days behind me and feel better and went right back to the bottle.
You don't have to loose everything or be homeless, although I've done both, to be an alcoholic.
It took me a long time to get sober. AA helped me greatly, as does coming here.
I came here for three years before I finally was able to get sober.
Please don't put yourself through the misery I went through. Save yourself. We're here to help and so are the recovery programs out there.
Best to you.
Unlike you, everyone knew I was a drunk. I was so bad I couldn't even hide it.
I drank like a fish at home alone, too.
I would get three or four days behind me and feel better and went right back to the bottle.
You don't have to loose everything or be homeless, although I've done both, to be an alcoholic.
It took me a long time to get sober. AA helped me greatly, as does coming here.
I came here for three years before I finally was able to get sober.
Please don't put yourself through the misery I went through. Save yourself. We're here to help and so are the recovery programs out there.
Best to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I had not a clue and there are times I still don't. That is why is called growth.
When I was drinking I sat still, A LOT. I never learned anything new because I was not willing to. It seemed like to much work. Oh I would think about it though. All the things that I could do and I was capable of doing. I would spin some pretty large pictures in my head.
Then I quit drinking and I was amazed how much I am actually capable of doing verses thinking of doing.
I have found that is okay not to know. You may amaze yourself when you give yourself a chance.
You know the first step. Reach out and get help.
When I was drinking I sat still, A LOT. I never learned anything new because I was not willing to. It seemed like to much work. Oh I would think about it though. All the things that I could do and I was capable of doing. I would spin some pretty large pictures in my head.
Then I quit drinking and I was amazed how much I am actually capable of doing verses thinking of doing.
I have found that is okay not to know. You may amaze yourself when you give yourself a chance.
You know the first step. Reach out and get help.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Originally Posted by SpartanGreen
Sometimes I go through stretches where I try to get sober, I go three or four days without a drink based on my own resolve, and I feel nothing except more physical endurance and more confusion. No withdrawal, no accountability, no nothing. Just more confusion.
How much are you expecting from a three or four day investment?
There's a life waiting for you...it takes longer than a few days to fight for it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 233
Yeah, three or four days isn't nearly enough time, to put it mildly, to find out who you are without the booze getting in the way.
Title of the thread reminded me of a quote from Roger Avery's "Rules of Attraction" (based on a Bret Easton Ellis novel, I think of the same name?)
"I no longer know who I am and I feel like the ghost of a total stranger."
In the movie drugs and alcohol resulted in characters who were lost.
-DrS
Title of the thread reminded me of a quote from Roger Avery's "Rules of Attraction" (based on a Bret Easton Ellis novel, I think of the same name?)
"I no longer know who I am and I feel like the ghost of a total stranger."
In the movie drugs and alcohol resulted in characters who were lost.
-DrS
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I found that once I started working as hard to be sober as I did to drink and hide it that everything got a lot easier. You can do the same if you choose. You have goals and quotas and deadlines in your work that you meet every day...how a about applying some of that logic towards a sobriety plan?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Exactly Spartan. That was me too. I was a walking mirage. Or mirror with legs. Reflecting nothing of myself and only what I thought people wanted to see.
No wonder it's hard after we quit drinking. We are left with blank slate to fill.
But a blank slate can be good. It can either feel empty or it can be the beginning of a whole new work of art. Get your crayons out. Create your own masterpiece. One of a kind original.
Beauty fades but original is rarely forgotten.
It's hard. I know. I had to push myself to the limits of being so uncomfortable trying to find myself I sometimes didn't have the energy to get out of bed. But I did. Because I knew I had to. There was no other way. If there was, I would have found it.
Quiting drinking was just the start for me. It was just the beginning. The days that followed were all about me finding what it was about myself that was worth getting to know. It took some time. But it did reveal itself. Little by little.
I really like who I am now. I have never been happier. And life has thrown me some crazy just like it does everyone else. I just can navigate through it now. And I stopped creating more havoc when I stopped drinking. That helped.
You can do it! Don't give up.
No wonder it's hard after we quit drinking. We are left with blank slate to fill.
But a blank slate can be good. It can either feel empty or it can be the beginning of a whole new work of art. Get your crayons out. Create your own masterpiece. One of a kind original.
Beauty fades but original is rarely forgotten.
It's hard. I know. I had to push myself to the limits of being so uncomfortable trying to find myself I sometimes didn't have the energy to get out of bed. But I did. Because I knew I had to. There was no other way. If there was, I would have found it.
Quiting drinking was just the start for me. It was just the beginning. The days that followed were all about me finding what it was about myself that was worth getting to know. It took some time. But it did reveal itself. Little by little.
I really like who I am now. I have never been happier. And life has thrown me some crazy just like it does everyone else. I just can navigate through it now. And I stopped creating more havoc when I stopped drinking. That helped.
You can do it! Don't give up.
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