Aiko

Nearly 2 weeks and I am going up the wallllllllllls

I am ************** regretting to have thrown all the benzo away...
I can not go near my druggy friends, I fallen out with my healthy friends.

My head tells me if you do not have anything just pop out to the bar...
because the wine shops *** closed now!

I am going to the paint work shop tomorrow
and I know there is beer and wine in the fridge...!!!

I know I can not touch a thing or it scalates. Is never enough!!!
The **** anxiety pills do not calm me down.
I was suposed to get better not worse after 2 weeks...

And next saturday I have a big family communion in Seville...
God they will all getting pissed in front of me and my brother will say why aren´t you drinking.................
And I DO HAVE TO GO!!! My family expects me to... and no body knows!
I am not ready!
My plan was we go in my car... and I do not feel like driving besides I am having mind lapses... and is a dangerous mountain road!

It just is not getting any better... Everytime I have a relapse it gets worse.
Is harder to stop! is harder to keep away!
After all I have gone through I just do not learn my lesson!!!
I just do not want to feel!!! I want my head to shut up!!!

Sorry I keep on comming here to complaint but I can not talk about it to many people!!! I come to SR to talk to or I go mad... Sorry!

least

Have you been sober for two weeks? Congrats on that accomplishment.

jdooner

Congrats on the two weeks but honestly Aiko, you are fighting yourself.

The sooner you surrender and ask for help, true help the sooner you can get well. Otherwise your spinning your wheels in my opinion and expending a ton of energy on it.

I have found honesty was the first step. For me that was choosing not to post on here until I was sober (just my own way no judgement on anyone else). Then realizing I needed to be open that my way was not working. I needed to be willing to do whatever it took to get and remain sober, which did not always mean the easy way. As I progressed in recovery, I began putting things together and forming a program. My program meant reaching out to others - not myself. I work a 12 step program.

Good luck but I will state again, I think rehab is what you need and at the very least to open up to your family. I bet when you do you will feel a massive relief.

SoberLeigh

Aiko; wow; two weeks; that is a wonderful accomplishment; I am so, so proud of you.

I am sorry you feel like you are climbing the walls. I can only say that, with time, this feeling will subside and eventually go away. I hope that your healthy friends have a change of heart.

I am rooting for you, Aiko. Stay strong. Keep posting.

jdooner

BTW - You do know that the benzos will not ease anything. This is just a mirage - its part of addiction. It sounds like you might be having an urge. Try to surf it out - keep posting here.

nogard

Have you asked for help? Counselling NA or AA SMART there are many choices we don't have to do this alone.

I always put my recovery first and if someone I am going or something I am thinking of doing is not ok for me then I cancel it. My recovery must come first or I will live in misery or die.

Get some help take a look at this:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
and congrats on being here.

awuh1

That emotional tornado will stop spinning if you can stay clean and sober. I agree that telling your family about what you need to do is a good first step. It's not time be driving. If you do the right thing, things will work out for the best.

LSC1

((((((aiko)))))) don't forget to breathe. Congrats on 2 weeks ... keep on keeping on.

Aiko

I always had two lives!
I REALLY CAN NOT tell my family!!!

I am trying so hard to keep away but my head does not stop!!!
I am so desperate I have even gone 3 times to NA,
and I can not even talk there I just sit,
I just can NOT SAY out loud I am an Addicct and an Alcoholic!
And belive me I am not shy!

And even my head sometimes doubts I have a problem and I think my druggy friends are in a much worse state than me... You see I say they are not meeeeeeeeeee!

I know I cannot touch a thing!
But the cravings do not go!!!
I was better last week this few days have been horrible at times!
I am thinking to ask for stronger pills,
but I do not trust myself!!!
If my head thinks I can get stoned I know I will end up taking a bunch!
Even now I am thinking to take a bunch of anxiety pills...

SoberLeigh

Aiko, sweet girl, please don't take a bunch of anxiety pills. It will only set you back. I know this is so hard for you but it will get better, I promise you. Stay strong; stick it out.

awuh1

It's time to have one life. You don't have to go there all at once but take steps in that direction.

For me it was a huge relief to say, out loud, and to others, that I was an alcoholic. It might help you also.

I know it's very difficult now. I wish you all the best.

Aiko

Thank you for helping me out!

I am going to have a hard weekend I know!
Hope the waves will get lower with time it is horrible!
I will go to NA tomorrow night.

The pills are starting to calming me down...