bostonlucy

Hello, this is my very first post. I have an identical twin sister who has been an alcoholic/substance abuser for 5 or 6 years. She blames a lot of her addiction on her mental illnesses (OCD and bipolar disorder). Within the past year, she has attempted suicide, been hospitalized for drinking several times and completed one month of rehab at a facility in Palm Springs. She's gone through detox several times and has attended AA sporadically. Her addiction has pushed away friends and family and caused her a little bit of legal trouble. She's lost every job she's had during this time, and has been unemployed for several years. She cheated on her husband with a long-term (three year) affair, in addition to physically and emotionally abusing him. He is now filing for divorce. She's treated our family horribly during this time and has caused so much pain and heartache. In an effort to decrease her alcohol dependency, she's resorted to using inhalants (specifically, canned air dusting spray). She's using so regularly that she has sores on her face. She also smokes marijuana and cigarettes and has stopped eating solid food for the most part. She regularly falls and injures herself while drinking and I am concerned that she will die any day now. I am at a loss for what to do and cannot stop worrying. I can barely sleep I worry so much. Despite everything she's done, I love her so much and want to help her. I've been to therapists and Al Anon, but I can't stop worrying. Does anyone have any advice?

HeadLump

Hi Bostonlucy. I'm hoping that someone else will be along shortly to give you some advice, but I just wanted to welcome you to SR I know how hard it would be to watch a sibling go through this, I cannot imagine what it would be like if it was a twin

iSPAZ

Bostonlucy - In my experience if someone does not want to help themselves there is not much you can do to help her. I would do everything you can to take care of yourself. I ended up having a nervous breakdown over another persons addiction. When I was asked to take care of myself it felt very selfish to me. That was until I was the one in the nuthouse and the addict was still living the HIGH life. Sadly your sister probably has no idea that she is negatively impacting anyone. The denial can sometimes run very deep. She is in a cycle she does not know how to break. When people start using they stunt their emotional, spiritual and intellectual growth. Especially emotional growth. They are left in an adult world with a child's mind. I can only assume they know something is wrong but can't seem to put a finger on the problem. It will be apparent to everyone outside but not to them. I myself attend Al-Anon and went there as most to fix my ex wife. It did not work as I expected. It did however teach me to detach emotionally. Easier said than done especially when it is someone you love. I also go to open AA and NA meetings mainly when they have speaker night. It teaches me about the nature of addiction and it is also very uplifting. I am going to an open AA tonight actually. This place (SR) help me soooooo much as it lets me know we are not alone in watching the addict and the suffering that is involved in doing so. We love them and want the best for them. Check out the friends and family section and you will get more support there. You can tell her you love her and will be there for her if she seeks help. Be careful not to enable in any way. The people at NA and AA that have been there a while and changed their lives know how to cut through the denial and manipulation so well because they have been there themselves and have climbed their way out of the hole they found themselves in. I feel for her ex husband as he probably loves her and hurts deeply to see what is happening. Hope you guys find peace and serenity. Praying for you.

livin14

Has the one month rehab center been the longest one she's completed? Did it seem to help her short term? If so, maybe try a longer stent if it's feasible. The truth, no one can cure her but her. Just love her and don't destroy yourself in this process.

bostonlucy

Yes, that's the longest length of time she was sober. We all told her to stay (as the staff encouraged) but she does what she wants and she wanted to leave. Her medical bills are far into the six figures at this point.

bostonlucy

Thanks, iSPAZ.

You are so right about having a child's mind in an adult world. Actually, your entire message was spot on. I want to detach emotionally and I've read the Al Anon book (even though I am Agnostic and couldn't really get into the religious aspect as much), but every time I think I've detached I hear something about her and the pain starts all over again. Anger, sadness, frustration, helplessness, regret, etc. The emotions just cycle over and over again.

Anyway, thank you for your insight and kind words. Much appreciated.

livin14

Copy and past your post in the 'friends and family' section. You may get more support on that link with more people in a similar circumstance. I wish the best for you!

seek

I feel for you. I sent you a P.M. Hope you find some relief!

iSPAZ

Bostonlucy - I attended several groups before I found one that fit. I still bounce around some just to hear different perspectives. Some groups just sit and complain. Don't get to caught up in the religious part for a couple reasons. One - it is more spiritual than religious. Two - you choose your higher power. It can be the group, the universe, god, a toad whatever. That is between you and yourself. I joke sometimes and tell everyone mine is God-zilla. I can tell you no one at any time has told me to believe or forced anything on me in any way. I did however get support that I badly needed and learned so much from the others stories. The first group I went to I could not stand. Full of negativity and trashing of the addict. I loved and still do my ex. I have however come to terms with the fact that I simply can not help her unless SHE wants to quit. Even then she is in better hands with people that have been through what she has been through. I started dating my wife long before her drinking career and she was a very morally sound and family oriented person. Not the case anymore. I carried a lot of guilt thinking that I had caused this somehow. Something I did or said. I now believe that not to be true. We learn we did not cause it, can not control it and can not cure it. I thought I could. Here are some of the things I did that did not work for me. Try to reason with them, beg them, plead with them, show them examples of the problem, manipulate them, love them out of it, give them literature, send them books about addiction, manipulate through triangulation through a third party. I still get blamed for that one and I have not tried it in a long while. I honestly thought that my love was stronger, more enduring, better than anyone else in the whole wide world. I am now out of the picture yet she still drinks now more than ever. I see clearly it has nothing to do with me and the disease if in fact that is what it is progresses just I have been told. Only they can find the path to sobriety. So sorry you are dealing with this in your life. I know he pain and worry it causes. The month prior to my breakdown I slept less that 30 per day and the year prior to that I was lucky to get an hour or two. The last week was 15 min. I tried to sleep but could not because I thought she would die imminently if I did not save her. That was about two years ago and the party goes on. The knowledge and tools I have obtained in MY recovery has helped in many areas of my life.

least

Welcome to the family. Unfortunately there's not much you can do if she doesn't want to help herself. That's frustrating, but true. She has to want to get sober, to get well. Any attempts to force her will be met with resistance and hostility.

I'd suggest AlAnon for support for yourself from people who truly understand your situation. Also take a look at our friends and family forums.

Stoogy

Hi, I am terribly sorry to hear what you are going through, it is truly a horrible thing indeed, although I cannot relate to this situation all you can do is be there for your twin sister in any way she needs, support is vital to anyone with addiction problems. I seriously would not have quit drinking if it was not for the love and support of my wife, sometimes when you can't quit for yourself you can do it for the ones you care about the most. Be there and be as strong as you have to be for your sister, it's all you can do but it could be vitally important.
Wish you well.

Tamerua

Sorry to hear about all of that. In my experience, all you can do is let her know that you are there for her if she truly wants help to stop. Otherwise, you have to let go. I know it is painful, but it is better to focus on you.

Dee74

Welcome Bostonlucy - I'm sorry for your pain.

I'm not sure we can ever stop worrying about someone we love who's lost to addiction.
Prayer and support are great comfort, at least they have been for me.

and...remember there are success stories too. I was at deaths door once but I saw what I was doing to myself and I turned my life around...I recovered and have been sober the best part of a decade now.

I hope your sister will have a moment of clarity like I did.

Do stick around - you'll find a lot of support here

D

Dee74

Welcome Bostonlucy - I'm sorry for your pain.

I'm not sure we can ever stop worrying about someone we love who's lost to addiction.
Prayer and support are great comfort, at least they have been for me.

and...remember there are success stories too. I was at deaths door once but I saw what I was doing to myself and I turned my life around...I recovered and have been sober the best part of a decade now.

I hope your sister will have a moment of clarity like I did.

Do stick around - you'll find a lot of support here

D