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living with recovering spouse I wonder how many recovering addicts/alcoholics find it difficult to find a balance in life. My husband has been in recovery for about 3 1/2 years. I am grateful for AA and the help that it offers. The thing that I don't understand is why is it so difficult to balance AA with life. I know how important AA is to recovery. Is it not as equally important to improve and balance all aspects of your life while working the program? I have been to a couple of Alanon meetings and have found it difficult to totally relate to the majority that are still living with and being affected by loved ones that are still using. I know that recovery is ongoing. Until recently, I have been very supportive and understanding of AA meetings and service work. I don't want to control when or how many meetings are attended. I just want to feel like his family is important enough to set aside some time for us. I am a pretty independent person and do not require a lot of attention but I am feeling neglected. Is there anyone out there that has gone through something similar? Any advice from those of you that are in recovery? Thanks for listening. Would appreciate any input that might enlighten me. |
unfortunately i cannot relate but instead wnated to welcome you to this site. just wait a while and they will start coming with their stories and advice. many recovering alcoholics on here and if you keep searching you will find a place for loved ones of recovering addicts and alcoholics. one piece of advice i have for you:never stop supporting. alcoholism is nasty and your husband is doing great to be sober for threee years. however, having said that you need support yourself and i hope you find some here. sorry i couldn't help much audra |
I am feeling neglected. It seems you realize the life-or-death importance of your husband having a program, but what about you? Having your own program can help you sort out what your needs are, how to meet them, and how to ask for help when you can't meet them alone. If you need more of your husband's time, you need to let him know (if you haven't already). You can work together on finding that balance. I hope this makes sense and helps some. I'm pretty tired and I might be incoherent. If you want to PM me, feel free. Maybe I'll be more lucid. Wishing you both the best! Love, Eddie |
Snick, what Eddie said. Also, AA almost ruined my relationship with my s/o. She felt left behind and out. That I wasn't spending enough time with her. However...... I needed (and still do) those meetings to stay sober. I have discussed this with her and she now realizes that she has alot more of me going to AA then she ever had with me drinking. Now, when she needs me the most (and she'll let me know), I'll skip a meeting here and there. Like Eddie said, can you bring this up in the open? Again, like Eddie said...... why doncha head over to the Al Anon forum? You need to take care of you. As I'm sure you know, its a family disease. |
Hi and welcome! As a recovering alcoholic I can understand your side of the situation. I know as much as AA has become a way of living for me that it's difficult for non-program people to understand what it's all about. It does take time, patience, love and support in learning to balance our relationships. I had to explain to my husband my meetings, activity in the program and the support I try to impart here is all part of what keeps me sober. Though, I could lay off the computer time some day's I understand, stop, think about what's urking him and try to restore balance. But see, I didn't know until he said something to me, had a heart to heart, and we talked about it. I guess in some aspects I became neglectful as this was what I had to do to stay sober, but failed to tie in my relationship with my family as part of my program. So we're confused, starting to grow again, and learning to restore balance and that's all important. Sit down with him, talk to him, explain how you feel. Come up with a plan that works for the both of you, set a date night for the two of you, plan events that everyone enjoy's, compromise what your both willing and able to do. It seems to me you've done your part already, now just ask him how you can help him do his. I'm sure he'll understand when you bring it to his attention, this is how your feeling. I'd like to suggest if you haven't already, read the chapter in the Big Book, "The Family Afterward", and "For the Wives".. it may help you see what he's trying to accomplish as well, though I agree with you, he may need to give a little more. |
I think I know what you are feeling - my drinking was ruining our marriage. It got to the point where it was either stop drinking or lose my wife. Luckily, I chose my wife, but she did not understand that I had to radically change my life and focus on my recovery. This lasted about six months and I/we considered it an investment for my survival first and foremost. In fact, on a couple of occasions when my wife got frustrated about my single-minded focus during recovery, I had to tell her that I would have to leave for awhile - I could not handle the additional stress. Was it selfish? Yes, but I had to fix me first, then try to work on the relationship. After six months, I felt like it was time to begin to work on the marriage and it is not easy, but has been a mostly positive process for the last four months (I have been sober for ten months). Just remember, problems are not magically fixed by themselves after the drinking stops! Three and one half years and still no balance, to me illustrates that the marriage needs attention. I know that there is no cure for alcoholism, but I would think that the initial stages and struggles of recovery are over for your spouse, but as my wife has told me, then the real work as far as saving the marriage begins. I am not a marriage counselor, but I agree with eddie z - don't just sit back and wait for things to get better. Take the initiative, let your spouse know what your needs are and make a commitment to change the pattern of your relationship. I learned in recovery that dysfunctional relationships sometimes exhibit poor communication and negative habits or schemes. A lot of times we do not even consciously know that we have developed these negative patterns - they happen slowly over time. Don't be afraid to make some changes in your relationship! If I were your husband, I would be ready to address your needs and would do everything in my power to meet and exceed them. In other words, if you are not happy in the relationship, how can your spouse be? Obviously, this is a topic that I am passionate about so I am sorry if I am rambling!! I know others here will also weigh in with more wisdom - take care and good luck! Dave |
Thank you for all of your input. We have sat down and had several serious conversations. I am totally supportive of AA and want him to have that in his life because it is what he needs. For awhile we started our week with a schedule and a date night. It lasted for about 2 months. He then decided that I was trying to control him and our date nights have slowly dwindled away. I also started working out with him 3 times a week so that I could spend time with him. Today is the 4th of July. I went to my mom's for a bbq. He went to his sponsor's for a bbq and fireworks, he insisted that he was obiligated for both. I tried to negotiate so that we could be together, bbq at mom's fireworks at his sponsor's. That wasn't good for him so here I am alone. This is after he spent 3 1/2 hours this morning trimming their bushes so their house looked good for the bbq. I tried to explain to him that we need family time as well. By the way we spent 5 hours with his family yesterday. It wasn't until 4 months ago that I decided that it was time to put some serious balance back into our lives. After 3 years in the program I didn't think that spending 4-5 days a week attending meetings and doing service work was working for our family. Today he informed me that I am trying to be to controlling and am too emotional. You could ask anyone that knows me and they would tell you that I am not a needy person that relies on others to make me happy. All of us need some attention. I am getting very little of it and when I bring up the fact that we need time together I am considered controlling. I have read most of the blue book and it was very enlightening. I attended a couple of Alanon meeting and felt very out of place. All of the people there were still living and dealing with loved ones that were still using. I continue to read and learn each day, this board has been helpful. Thanks for listening. |
i am sorry your husband is unable to strike a balance. i probably cant' give the best advice, but i wanted to post to let you know you are definitely in my prayers. marriage takes work and i believe two people have to spend some quality time alone for the relationship to be healthy and for each person to have their individual needs met. it sounds like you are very understanding about his recovery and looking for hope and a way to make it thru. i hope this forum helps you and yours. and i am sorry i don't have the advice the rest do. like i said, will pray for you and hope that a balance is found. |
:hmmm: At this point, Snick, I would suggest some professional counseling. It sounds like you have already done the things previously suggested. Family counseling helped me start learning how to express my needs assertively and how to communicate more effectively. It's impossible for me to tell if your husband's interpretation of your requests as controlling are coming from something about HIM or from something about how you're expressing yourself; it's probably a combination, of course. I know it's very tricky for me to say what I feel without sounding accusatory thus putting my husband on the defensive. But I think I'm getting better with practice. Still wishing you both the best and feel free to PM me. Love, Eddie |
Hi Snick, I am the wife of a recovering alcoholic. I blamed him for the way I felt for years. Through Alanon I am learning that I can't expect someone else to change so that I will be ok. Drinking or not, spouses can't make us happy. They can't live their life to meet our every need. I needed to get involved in my own life. I needed to look for some of my needs in others. I had to look at why I was REALLY unhappy, and not blame someone else. I am sorry that you haven't found Alanon helpful. Working the 12 steps, and being willing to learn and change myself has made so much of a difference in my life. The caring and understanding of the people has taught me how to build new and fulfilling relationships. These have met some of the needs that I demanded of my spouse, and helped my relationship with him become stronger and better. It might be worth another try with Alanon. There is plenty of literature and recovery tools for us who are living with sobriety. I am living proof that it works. I also invite you to join us on the Alanon forum. There are many who are dealing with and overcoming the same challenges you are facing. If you want help, there is help. You don't have to do it alone. Hugs, Magic |
Oh Snick huge hugs! It's obvious your trying, but to me it seems like he's not willing to put in the effort and appears to be using AA as his excuse. Please know it's not the norm for most of us. Magic gave you some good suggestions, I hope you'll consider them. In the meantime it's time to think about you, do something for yourself, get involved, maybe when he see's your not "controlling" and are moving on with your life, he'll get motivated to participate in your relationship. *hugs* |
Again, thank you for all of your input. Life is a balancing act in normal day to day life. I was pretty upset when he came home late the night of July4th after the fireworks. He came into the house and acted like everything was just fine, he hates conflict and was hoping the hours that had passed had cooled me down. For the first time in our 13 years together I told him he was not sleeping with me. The next morning he got up and said good morning and acted like all was normal with the world. After I explained to him again that we needed to focus on our family and marriage he admitted that it is easier for him to focus on his recovery without having to deal with everything else. It is an escape for him. We have 2 daughters, 17 & 19. He has a very difficult time communicating with them. When he does talk to them it is about something he is unhappy about, room needs to be cleaned, do you have your homework done, where were you, who were you with. He is very suspicious and just knows they are doing something wrong. Drives me crazy (and them too). They just want a dad and approval from him. We talked for a long time and agreed that we would focus on our relationship and spend more time with our girls as a family. We both had the day off and both of our girls were home (very unusual for all of us to be home at the same time). He went and asked them what their plans were for the day, they were both going to be around all day so he planned for us to rent a jet ski for a couple of hours. Both of the girls brought a friend and we all had a blast. I know we still have a lot of work to do to put the balance back into our lives, one day at a time. I have been reading the posts on this board for a couple of months and really appreciate the open and honest communication. Not only is is conforting to know that I am not alone, I also find it enlightening to read the posts from the people that are expierencing life in recovery (both sides) and those that are seeking that life. Have a wonderful day. |
That's just fantastic, Snick!!! I am so happy for you that things are working out. Sometimes we just have to be persistent and assertive about our needs, huh? I guess I should take a page from your book now! LOL Love, Eddie |
i am so happy for you snick. nothing is funner than spending the day with your own family. not the one you grew up with, but the one you created with soemone else. just the 4 of you. i hope and pray he will remember the great time that you guys had and looks forward to more of those time with you all. how is today going for you? audra |
I felt the same way! Hi Snick I felt the same way as you do. Sometimes I still do. I went to alanon meetings and still try to make one a week. I find that I cannot relate to most as they have people in their lives who are still drinking. My AH started AA just a little over 3 years ago and I was getting fed up with being left behind even though I know how important it is that he continue the program. I find my AH can be very selfish at times. I think he got used to me focusing on him doing everything to support his not drinking that it became the most important thing to me also. In doing that I think I (we)just forgot how to be US. I know he needs the program but he was also sponsoring about 4 people and spending more time with them than his family. We talked about this and he has found that he can be just as good a sponsor by phone as he can in person. He still attends about 3 meetings a week, puts on a detox meeting once a month and has his sponsees plus the phone line. I still try to go to one Alanon meeting a week and I still don't relate to most but I am listening and reading. Maybe we should start an alanon group for people who no longer have alcohol in their lives? I am sure there are many more of us out there that get the same feelings that just don't go back. I think "what if he started drinking again and I needed support" It would be harder to go then so I just keep plugging away and hoping to "GET IT" some day. We (my AH and I) went to an AA roundup a couple of weeks ago. We actually combined it with our 18th anniversary. I was really not too pleased about that!!! I tried hard not to let it show. Guess what? It seemed that I was enjoying the Alanon meetings and he wanted to take off to spend more time together. I think the weekend alone did more for us than anything. It made us both aware of each other. I guess the same as your day together jet skiing. His counsellor suggested we get this book on relationships, It's the one "Men and Women and Relationships" written by the same fellow that wrote "Men are from Mars - Women are from Venus" and that we each have our own copy. There are a lot of eyeopeners in it. A lot of crap too but it is mostly the fact that we are both reading our own copy and talking about it. It has helped. Keep talking and trying to spend time together. Many ups and downs to create the balance. Hang in there. |
Thanks Chillgal. I knew there had to be people out there that knew exactly what I am feeling. I have to keep remininding myself, one day at a time. Lizzy you asked how I am today. Well, just when I think things are going to improve I start to wonder again. We had a great time Monday with the family, went to work Tuesday and spent the evening together watching a movie. I asked about his schedule, Wednesday - volunteer for prison meeting out of town (5-10pm), we ate dinner together and he left. Thursday - normal group meeting (usually 8-9:30pm). I got home yesterday after a rough day at work, very busy as my assistant is on vacation for 2 weeks. I was really looking forward to spending some time with my husband. He got a dinner invitation from his sponsor and wife to go before the 8:00 meeting. He got home at 4:45pm and left at 5:00pm. He didn't invite me to go to dinner with them, it didn't occur to him! I don't understand how he thinks we can have a relationship seeing eachother for 1 hour 15 minutes in 2 days. Why couldn't he take a raincheck on the dinner for next week? He had just been with these people the night before when they went to prison meeting (an hour in the car each way). I am so frustrated! I want him to have AA in his life and the people that are important to him, but I want to feel like and be one of the important people too. We use to be best friends and did everything together. This is tough. Maybe today will bring some smiles! According to his plans for the week he is available tonight, we will see if it changes. He is busy tomorrow with a special speaker meeting. I definately think we need some counseling at this point, we saw a marriage/family counselor about 3 years ago. I wasn't impressed with the counselor, we didn't seem to get to the root of any problem. Thanks for listening. Have a great day. |
Hey Snick--I am sorry you are struggling. Did you try setting up a date night with your husband? As a recovering alcoholic, I know we can be very selfish. I heard what you said about only seeing your husband 1hr and 15min in two days and couldn't help thinking, "Wow, that is actually alot of time for some couples. Especially after spending the whole day together Monday and the evening on Tuesday." I hope that doesn't sound harsh. I know quite a few couples who are NOT in recovery who struggle to piece together a few hours a WEEK to spend together. It seems to me like you are letting yourself focus on the negative rather than the positive. Keep communicating with your husband. Did you tell him you were upset about him going to dinner with his sponsor and not inviting you? I will keep you both in my prayers. If you were an alcohlic, I would say, "Remember, let go and let God." Actually, I would like to say that to you any way. Hope you have a nice weekend! Don't forget to pray. :lumpy |
I did talk to him about not inviting me to dinner, didn't occur to him. Hmmm, all the couples I know that are still together make time for eachother and spend much more time than an hour a day together. Coming home from work, preparing dinner, eating dinner, talking about the day, spending some time with the kids, laying down together before falling asleep. Is this too much to expect? We had this for many years and now it is gone. How much time do all of you spend with your significant others? Are my expectations too high? Some insight please. |
Coming home from work, preparing dinner, eating dinner, talking about the day, spending some time with the kids, laying down together before falling asleep. Is this too much to expect? My husband saw the title of this thread and made a very wise remark, I think. And that is that living with a recovering spouse is much easier if you're in recovery yourself. We are both in recovery and have our own programs. It might be good if you had a program too and support from other women. I've gotta cut this short. I hope it helps! Love, Eddie |
Snick I just finished a long message to you, tried to put a smillie in and lost it all. So here is a shorter version of what I tried to say. I don't agree. Not all couples BOTH have to go to recovery in order to have a marriage. I know lots of couples that have one spouse in AA and the other not and they seem to have good relationships. There is such a thing an an idyllic life. You both have to work at it. As far as I am concerned As have selfish tendencies and have to be reminded from time to time. I went to an Alanon meeting on Friday Snick (and yes they do help some) and here is what I got out of it. A quote "They will continue doing it as long as WE let them" and the other thing that really stuck in my head was It is my life and that is the only thing I have control over. I guess it has made me think, yes he spends a lot of time with AA and meetings but I have to do things for me that I have put on the back burner that I stopped going to because 1. he came but usually made an ass of himself or maybe he didn't but I always worried he would. And 2. AA and his recovery always comes 1st because without it there would be no US. Then on Saturday he worked for another A to pay back some counselling time. Was supposed to be done in the am so I decided I'll just wait and we can do something in the afternoon. NOT. He finished around 8:30 pm. So if I had of listened to what I did learn and decided to live my life and plan something different I would not have spent the day waiting around. I guess what I am trying to say is that we have to stop waiting around while they go to meetings and just start doing things on our own. It does not have to be Alanon, if that is not for you, just start living your life. Think about all the things you have on that back burner and start bringing them to the front. I think it is hard for us because we know how important AA is and we don't want that other life back. But some part of us enjoyed the fun we had in that other life. I talked to my AH about Saturday and waiting around and he says why didn't you call one of your friends and do something. It is because Ideally he is my best friend and he is the person I wanted to do it with. But if he is not going to be there then I have to start going with my other friends and family and doing the things that I want. Hope this makes sense. Get out there and plan things. Maybe he'll find more time too when he realizes that you are having fun and not just being THERE FOR HIM. Good luck. ChillGal |
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