a shaky promise to myself
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 62
a shaky promise to myself
Struggling with the persistent grip of insomnia, I have some thoughts.
I can’t remember the last time that I have felt like I am happy with the way my life is going. I was happy the summer after high school. I have been happy for a few extended periods of life since then. But largely, this idea has become lost on me. And I struggle to put together why.
At its core, I believe it stems from my introversion. I don’t mean to say this with an entirely negative connotation, but it starts there. I don’t have any background in psychology so can’t be of much help about the origins of the human personality or how we end up like we do. I am also not a sociologist. So I have no explanations on path dependency or routine building, or how to break them. However, this is who I am for one reason or another.
Since I was very young I have been involved in being creative; in music, or books, or whatever. This is where I have spent the bulk of my energy for the majority of my life. But it wasn’t until college that I started to try to create. More importantly, this was when I tried to start to write words. Since I was a sophomore in college, this is what I have been trying to do. Yes, I have also been in school and yes, I enjoy my classwork. But I have never had any illusions of it fulfilling my existence. The writing of music served as a way for me to constructively enjoy solitude. But, see, I have always been (and still am to this day) terrified of showing something that I’ve made to anyone. Thoughts of showing demos to people, lyrics, poems, anything, fills me with anxiety. In short, the thing that I spend the most time doing is what also fills my life with the most stress and anxiety. But how do you ever plan to make it as an artist if you can’t ever show anything to anyone? And what’s the point if no one gets to enjoy and experience it with you, right? (Going the Emily Dickinson route seems less than appealing)
I think that a lot of the reasons that we drink are to make social situations more bearable. It’s a social lubricant. It gives people confidence. So for someone who would, on most occasions, prefer to be anywhere where meeting new people isn’t part of the evening, having a few beers is great. It makes you not as aware of the reactions that people may have to your words. It makes it easier to say what you mean. There’s a reason why most of the times anyone has seen me play songs I’ve written in my room I’ve been drunk. I don’t care as much that people are seeing this side of me, the side that pens introspective and anxious words onto pages on a daily basis.
So, that’s the last three years. A constant struggle between the thing I love the most and the thing that makes me the most anxious. Coupled with this is the environment in which we put ourselves. When I moved in with my roommate sophomore year we would drink together but he was largely busy and I was still feeling okay. When we moved in junior year, we added another roommate to the mix. The three of us seem to feed off of each other. This is in no way a shot at anyone’s character, more an analysis of probability. The chances of one of us wanting to drink three nights out of the week wasn’t very high, but the chances of one of us wanting to drink on one night were. And if those nights happened to fall on different days, then the others would feel inclined to join in.
Putting things frankly, I don’t think that it has helped that this has been our common interest for the last two years. Obviously, it’s not our only common interest. But there are fewer than we would have if we lived with other people. The way that people bond is through common likes, and ours was drinking. Honestly, another thing is probably how dark our house is all the time. It bums me out.
Things seemed to have just gotten out of hand the last year. It got to the point where these kinds of days were more and more frequent. Unlike my two roommates, though, I haven’t seemed to find my way out of this trend, though. I would give anything to go back to the days when we could all have fun and it wouldn’t affect my psyche or my social life or my lack of responsibility. But then again I haven’t been very proud of the person I am for as long as I can remember. With the things that we all witness, the baggage that we all have, I should be standing taller than I am. For when my ex-girlfriend’s father drank himself to death. For when my best friend’s cousin overdosed. For when I was visiting another friend in rehabilitation for heroin abuse. And for my sister, when she was going through radiation. I should be the strong one, the one that can offer comfort and advice, because my life has been pretty great in comparison. I’ve never been good at being the strong one, though.
I have no intentions of staying like this for any longer. None whatsoever. All I need to do is design a map for myself to help me get to where I want to be. I think that if I start to create more art in a sober state of mind, with less introversion and more positivity, that it will be easier for me to share it with people. It will still be hard, but I think part of my issue is that our music so far has centered around the last four years of my life; four years I spent drunk. I think if I read more and find more things that really stimulate my mind, that I will feel more at ease. I think that if I move somewhere close to a music community that I can become a part of, and contribute to, that a lot of things would change for me. And finally, I just need to finally be responsible and realize that we live on an earth that is full of wonder; one that expands outwards and inwards. There are so many things to appreciate and so many things to not take for granted, for once. I hope to commit fully to being better, this time.
I can’t remember the last time that I have felt like I am happy with the way my life is going. I was happy the summer after high school. I have been happy for a few extended periods of life since then. But largely, this idea has become lost on me. And I struggle to put together why.
At its core, I believe it stems from my introversion. I don’t mean to say this with an entirely negative connotation, but it starts there. I don’t have any background in psychology so can’t be of much help about the origins of the human personality or how we end up like we do. I am also not a sociologist. So I have no explanations on path dependency or routine building, or how to break them. However, this is who I am for one reason or another.
Since I was very young I have been involved in being creative; in music, or books, or whatever. This is where I have spent the bulk of my energy for the majority of my life. But it wasn’t until college that I started to try to create. More importantly, this was when I tried to start to write words. Since I was a sophomore in college, this is what I have been trying to do. Yes, I have also been in school and yes, I enjoy my classwork. But I have never had any illusions of it fulfilling my existence. The writing of music served as a way for me to constructively enjoy solitude. But, see, I have always been (and still am to this day) terrified of showing something that I’ve made to anyone. Thoughts of showing demos to people, lyrics, poems, anything, fills me with anxiety. In short, the thing that I spend the most time doing is what also fills my life with the most stress and anxiety. But how do you ever plan to make it as an artist if you can’t ever show anything to anyone? And what’s the point if no one gets to enjoy and experience it with you, right? (Going the Emily Dickinson route seems less than appealing)
I think that a lot of the reasons that we drink are to make social situations more bearable. It’s a social lubricant. It gives people confidence. So for someone who would, on most occasions, prefer to be anywhere where meeting new people isn’t part of the evening, having a few beers is great. It makes you not as aware of the reactions that people may have to your words. It makes it easier to say what you mean. There’s a reason why most of the times anyone has seen me play songs I’ve written in my room I’ve been drunk. I don’t care as much that people are seeing this side of me, the side that pens introspective and anxious words onto pages on a daily basis.
So, that’s the last three years. A constant struggle between the thing I love the most and the thing that makes me the most anxious. Coupled with this is the environment in which we put ourselves. When I moved in with my roommate sophomore year we would drink together but he was largely busy and I was still feeling okay. When we moved in junior year, we added another roommate to the mix. The three of us seem to feed off of each other. This is in no way a shot at anyone’s character, more an analysis of probability. The chances of one of us wanting to drink three nights out of the week wasn’t very high, but the chances of one of us wanting to drink on one night were. And if those nights happened to fall on different days, then the others would feel inclined to join in.
Putting things frankly, I don’t think that it has helped that this has been our common interest for the last two years. Obviously, it’s not our only common interest. But there are fewer than we would have if we lived with other people. The way that people bond is through common likes, and ours was drinking. Honestly, another thing is probably how dark our house is all the time. It bums me out.
Things seemed to have just gotten out of hand the last year. It got to the point where these kinds of days were more and more frequent. Unlike my two roommates, though, I haven’t seemed to find my way out of this trend, though. I would give anything to go back to the days when we could all have fun and it wouldn’t affect my psyche or my social life or my lack of responsibility. But then again I haven’t been very proud of the person I am for as long as I can remember. With the things that we all witness, the baggage that we all have, I should be standing taller than I am. For when my ex-girlfriend’s father drank himself to death. For when my best friend’s cousin overdosed. For when I was visiting another friend in rehabilitation for heroin abuse. And for my sister, when she was going through radiation. I should be the strong one, the one that can offer comfort and advice, because my life has been pretty great in comparison. I’ve never been good at being the strong one, though.
I have no intentions of staying like this for any longer. None whatsoever. All I need to do is design a map for myself to help me get to where I want to be. I think that if I start to create more art in a sober state of mind, with less introversion and more positivity, that it will be easier for me to share it with people. It will still be hard, but I think part of my issue is that our music so far has centered around the last four years of my life; four years I spent drunk. I think if I read more and find more things that really stimulate my mind, that I will feel more at ease. I think that if I move somewhere close to a music community that I can become a part of, and contribute to, that a lot of things would change for me. And finally, I just need to finally be responsible and realize that we live on an earth that is full of wonder; one that expands outwards and inwards. There are so many things to appreciate and so many things to not take for granted, for once. I hope to commit fully to being better, this time.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Hi upsides,
Sorry to hear that you are not doing so well?
Writing about your day here can be a huge help in honing in on how things might be tweaked here and there to change the bigger picture for the better.
Keep posting. There are many varied experiences and lots of expert advice to be had.
**and just a tip. Try breaking up your writing into smaller chunks or paragraphs. It is a lot easier on the eyes this way (especially those of us who think they need to run to the drugstore sometime soon to check out reading glasses
)
Post, post, post! Keep at it.
Sorry to hear that you are not doing so well?
Writing about your day here can be a huge help in honing in on how things might be tweaked here and there to change the bigger picture for the better.
Keep posting. There are many varied experiences and lots of expert advice to be had.
**and just a tip. Try breaking up your writing into smaller chunks or paragraphs. It is a lot easier on the eyes this way (especially those of us who think they need to run to the drugstore sometime soon to check out reading glasses
)Post, post, post! Keep at it.
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