HealthFirst

Hi all,

I'm on day #4 today and went to AA meetings Monday night and Wednesday night. I planned on going to another meeting tonight, and possibly Saturday. When I got home last night, I told my wife that I wasn't sure if the group from last night was for me, and that I'll have to keep trying until I find groups that I mesh with ... and that I was sorry that I am away to these meetings rather than spending time with family. I explained how some of these guys are there with 25+ years sobriety, and I made up a stupid story in my head that she was disappointed that I'd have to attend meetings "forever", rather than only in the beginning. I said it was nice to see where I'll be in 20 years when our little one is older and how I'll communicate to the little one when she's older that "daddy doesn't drink". And then I felt that my wife was disappointed that I'll have to tell my daughter that I have/had a drinking problem when she's old enough to understand and wonder why I don't drink.

Anyway, her response was "you'll find 1 that works and in the meantime we can plan a family day so that you can schedule a full day each week for you to spend with your family". As I write this, I realize now that I have no idea why I took offense and became a complete ass to her. Said "you don't understand, it takes more than 1 meeting to stay clean. I'm not even away from family, the kid is asleep by the time I go to my evening meetings.". I told her that I'm doing this for her and the kid and that I would still be drinking if I were single. We went to sleep angry at eachother, and I don't like this.

Looking back, I felt ashamed that I have to attend meetings "forever". I now feel ashamed for blaming her. I have feelings that she doesn't get it; but I'm also projecting my shame onto her. We're actually not talking today because when she asked if I want to talk in the morning, I said I had nothing else to say. I guess I feel like she's taking it too lightly combined with my own surprise that I have to commit to meetings forever and make this "an issue" with my loved ones forever.

Now I've decided to miss my meeting tonight and the weekend. Maybe just go to the Monday night meetings and be resentful towards her. I guess I can't help but feel like a complete failure in front of her if I have to rely on meetings.

I really don't want my sobriety to *)(& up my relationship. It is ironic. Why the heck am I acting like this??

Berrybean

Because you've got the 'washing machine head' thing of that first few weeks of AA. So much to take in. So many preconceived ideas to adjust. So many habits to change.

Get a bag of sweets to suck on to keep your sugars up. Apologise if you feel that you were wrong. Get your butt to the meetings. This anger and confusion is part of the journey. It will get easier in time, but for now, just focus on a day at a time.

SoulKat

This just jumped out at me because it's an issue in my house. Are you doing it for them or for you? I think it will benefit them but you should be doing it for you.

curliQ

Don't let your shame get the better of you by projecting your feelings onto her. Apologize to her and get to the meeting tonight.

FreeOwl

it's really OK.

This is totally 'normal' stuff.

Some of it is shame, some of it is your addictive voice trying to fight back and open doors back to drinking, some of it is simply the fact that in sobriety we have to start dealing with a lot of confusing thoughts and emotions as we find our footing in a new way of living.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Share with your wife the things you just shared with us. She'll appreciate the communciation. Tell her you didn't mean to be an ass. Then move on with a smile.

doggonecarl

Early sobriety is a real roller coaster of emotions. But it doesn't mean you have to take your wife on the ride with you.

She asked for you to just schedule a "family" day. One a week. That sounds doable. Apologize and break out a calendar.

Verte

The "washing machine head" analogy just makes me giggle. Thanks for that BeccaBean!!

Hey HF,

Maybe your wife is feeling like things are a little bit unpredictable or out of control these days and is trying to impose a little order to reassure herself that everything is going to be ok??

Kind of like last week you were dancing the 'cha-cha' and this week decided the 'samba' and next week she accepts that you want to dance the samba but she want's you all to do the country line-dancing together as a family?

Perhaps she recognizes the importance and significance of Day4 but might be afraid that family will get squeezed out of the 'important' zone. Maybe she does hear you and 'get it' but she feels scared as well.

Having a conversation about what you can do for each other to help feel more grounded in your relationship during a time of sludge-y ground just might help you both feel a bit better.

Sorry if all the metaphors are hard to follow. They are written in all seriousness and meant to be helpful. My brain just automatically makes a metaphor out of everything naturally.

Nice job on Day4. It is challenging.

sugarbear1

Find a sponsor, work those 12 steps and commit to a specific number of meetings a week....?

readerbaby71

^^this. If anything it sounds like she's pretty supportive.

EndGameNYC

It isn't your sobriety that's ****** up your relationship, HealthFirst. It's your alcoholism.

I see many things in your comments, including setting yourself up for a relapse. Blaming your sobriety -- which currently is very young, especially when compared to your drinking life -- for your problems, is not simply a red flag, but also an admission that you're yet willing to make your recovery a priority.

Projecting as much as twenty years into the future about what a failure you are and will be because you need help and may continue to need help is a nontrivial symptom of your struggles with alcohol, and a ready-made excuse to drink at any moment as you attempt to achieve sobriety. Deciding to skip your planned meetings, and perhaps maybe not go at all, speaks for itself.

It seems you may be so afraid of who you truly are, discovering that person in sobriety, that you'll do anything, even short circuit your recovery, in order to preserve the illusion you project onto your wife that you are altogether self-sufficient, and not at all in need of outside help. In the meantime, the consequences of your drinking and your apparent insistence that your wife see none of your natural human limitations only throws in sharper relief just how much help you truly need.

In my book, the price you're paying, and that you are willing to pay, is much too high for the exclusively negative results you'll inevitably get from your self-sabotaging enterprise.

Brian316

Your reactions are very normal my friend. Congratulations on 4 days, your emotions are gonna be all over for a little while. I'm just over 6 months and mine still are. But I would say apologize for acting out of line or "short". This has been part of my recovery process. But you don't need to apologize for going to meetings. Our sobriety must come first. Without that we have nothing. The meetings help keep us grounded so we can enjoy our family and learn to live sober.

ontherightpath

Been there, done that. I have fought with my husband many times about going to meetings. I have gone to many meetings worked up because of the guilt trip he laid on me. Spouses don't always know how to process us getting better. We don't even know he to process getting better. But if I were a diabetic, and had to go away to get a shot of insulin, my husband wouldn't blink an eye, but when I go to aa to get my medicine, his feelings get put off.

I have allowed him, in the past, to get irritated enough that I would go to less meetings or attempt sobriety on my own. I drank. When I stand firm in my need for meetings, I do better.

We are all aiming for a sober life, and given the right balance of meetings and understanding from my family, I do believe that long term sobriety is achievable for me. I wish the same for you.

Persys

It's all about finding a balance that works for you and your family. I struggled with it (actually still do) and so do many others. I found that going to meetings in the morning (there is an 8am meeting M-F near me) was a good compromise. It takes time to find the balance as well as trial and error.

I do think you are doing a good job of being honest with your wife. I have trouble telling people how I truly feel especially when it comes to meetings, so it sounds like you are on the right track in talking about why you need to go.

whiskeyman

i struggled with the going forever thing.
I remember my first meeting, talking to an old timer who shook my hand, and they asked me if i was sober, i said no, i asked them and they said yes, 23 yrs and i so clearly remember thinking, damn what a loser, why dont they get this and dont they have anything else to do.

Now three years sober, i cherish the fact that this is forever, i am forever grateful that this is forever.

MIRecovery

The is nothing that is more important than my sobriety because without it nothing else is possible.

I have a more or less non negotiable AA schedule. Then I work the rest of my life in around my meetings. Realistically there is plenty of time for everyone

littlefish

Those first few days I tried to find any possible rationalization why I shouldn't try for sobriety. I was terrified to quit, but terrified to keep on drinking.
The feelings of shame at "having to attend meetings", the decision to not go to a meeting because you see it in conflict with your family obligations...guess what? Most of us had those early conflicts.
I hope you stick with it and soon you will realize that a meeting usually will not interfere with much: they are only 1.5 hours and there are of course hour meetings as well.

HealthFirst

Thank you all so much for sharing. It's been an amazing week.

I apologized to my wife for letting my shame get the best of me. She insisted that I have nothing to be ashamed of.

I've met some incredibly supportive people at AA who I talk to/text on the phone. I've been able to better explain to my wife how sobriety is helping me and she's super excited (although earlier, she said that I don't need AA because I don't really have a problem... but I explained otherwise).

Thank you all!
P.S. EndGameNYC: I know this was not your intention, but I found your post negative and discouraging. These are all new emotions that I am dealing, or learning how to deal, with. Just want to be honest and I know that you've got everybody's best interest in mind.

EndGameNYC

Yeah, I get that sometimes.

Taken together with your more recent thread, it's difficult for me to deny that you've been placing other things and other people before your sobriety. That's a tough way to get sober.

You were first overly concerned about your wife's impression of you were you to admit that you need help. Today, you seem preoccupied with what your friends will think of you were you not to attend a two-day drug and booze fest, or were you to attend and not drink or use drugs.

I'll have three years back in August following a three-year relapse that was only supposed to last a couple of weeks. I couldn't have gone anywhere near a bachelor party for at least a year after I got sober. Or a wedding. I don't care if it were my brother or my best friend who was getting married. If I were invited today, I'd go for about an hour, and then politely remove myself from the killing zone.

I don't think I'm putting words in your comments; nor do I think that what I'm observing has escaped other people who've read your comments.

I am curious, though, about whether or not you're surprised that some people who responded to your comments believe that you'll drink or use drugs if you attend the bachelor party, and how it is that you know that you'll control yourself if you do go?

HealthFirst

Thank you for your response. My drinking was a problem of binge drinking until blacking out. I did not drink every day. I could often have just one drink. My issue was that I never knew when that 1 drink would turn into 20 drinks. I am confident that I can reject the first drink... I just don't know how to deal with people who are (probably) problem drinkers themselves. What to say to get them to understand and respect it, without making a joke out of it.

StormiNormi

Healtfirst, firstly congratulations on your 4 days of sobriety and your honesty is refreshing.
LIKE YOU, in my early days of AA, I would be offended with some of the comments that came my way from the old timers.
I was told by my sponsor you can't BS an alcoholic. They know and see when the addiction voice is active through minor behavior or vocabulary changes.
This at first infuriated me, but now I truly appreciate comments like those from EndGame, because I am a sick person and I am in DENIAL (Don't Even kNow I Am Lying)
I find EndGames comments right on the Mark 99% of the time, and I have come to appreciate his/her comments and am learning to see the truth behind my old ideas and patterns of behavior.
I am a chronic relapser- completely unaware of WHY, but now I am learning HOW by being honest, open minded and willing to be teachable.
EndGame, please continue to call it as you see it. I respect your experience, strength and hope.