Lance40

I use SR for my recovery program and usually am not able to attend the Tuesday and Friday chats, so I need to share for a little support on the open forum.

Tomorrow will be 2.5 months of sobriety. The cravings are long gone, and I no longer feel much desire for alcohol. The boredom of the early days and weeks of sobriety is gone. Insomnia has been a continuing issue for me. I still have restless sleep and wake up multiple times during the night, but this week is the first that I've been hitting the snooze button instead of being wide awake long before the alarm goes off.

The issue that I am having is that I am experiencing sobriety as a bit of a bondage instead of freedom. It has to do with me tying my self worth onto the length of my sobriety. It's as if the count of days / weeks / months has become more important than the actual sobriety, and somehow in my mind the longer I'm sober the better of a person I am. On one hand it is a powerful deterrent to drinking, but on the other it seems unhealthy. It's as if I've tied self worth as a sliding scale tied to day count with Day 0 being zero self worth and then building every day to perfection at a life time of sobriety.

The fear that I have about this is that I'm human and may slip sometime. If I would have even one drink I would go back to Day 0 which would be devastating because I would feel like I was standing in a sewage pit and have to rebuild all the days of sobriety to get back to the same level where I was. I could easily see that as just being too overwhelming and deciding to just lay down and wallow in the ****.

Counting days has become more of a "you must achieve" instead of a celebration of what I've accomplished. Maybe it's time I stop counting days and try a different practice of living into sobriety?

Thanks for listening - any ideas?

Nonsensical

I don't have any ideas that top this one. Somewhere in the 80-85 day range I stopped not drinking and started living a sober life. The freedom is exhilirating.

Congrats on your sober time. You're winning.

doggonecarl

Count...don't count. I've see people struggle with counting (though I don't understand it myself) and your "reason" is probably more valid than most.

Or as you speculate, it could be your mindset. Are you counting "the days you haven't drank?" or are you counting "each day you are living sober to the fullest?"

Somehow it seems like you are counting the former and that could be counterproductive.

LBrain

Lance that is a great self assessment. Many of us in early sobriety are in the counting phase of it. And sometimes we get mired in the "sliding scale" of sobriety as you call it. We tend to measure ourselves on how many days we have and look for milestones to acknowledge our success. There are still others that continue to "count" the days until their last one. Whether it is 30,000 or 1000. Worrying about days can be unhealthy for some. There is that constant reminder that we are just one day from drinking again and we have to start at zero. Even after 1000 days, if we drink we start at ZERO again. And we forget that we had 1000 days. To me that is counterproductive. It's time to focus on what we need to do to better ourselves - aside from not drinking one day at a time. We have to start living one day at a time. Once we start that, the one day at a time aspect of it will disappear into the shadows. Certainly we must remain diligent and not lose focus. But we cannot dedicate ourselves to keeping a daily count. It becomes like an anchor to our development.

Do not dwell on it. Know it's there. Keep a calendar that is hidden from view. One day you'll forget how many days you have and happen to see that calendar and are surprised to see you have 200 days. I don't know how many days I have right now. It's more than 4 mos and less than 5.

If you ever played baseball, think of it like spring training. In the beginning we are shaking off the cobwebs and focusing on the fundamentals. We may make a few mental errors along the way - like letting a runner get to third by not hitting the cutoff man. But we don't collapse and say, "All that practice for nothing, I'm a failure and have to start over." We make a mental note of it and move on. Next time we hit the cutoff man. The coach doesn't kick us off the team. A couple months into the season it becomes second nature.

It is still early in the season for you my friend. Keep on the fundamentals, but don't over think everything that it bogs you down. You continue to improve every day. Half way through the season spring training is a distant memory. Sure you may have to refer to some lessons along the way. Just keep looking forward and stop looking back.

Congratulations on your 2.5 months. It's quite an achievement.

LBrain

while I was typing, doggonecarl intimated the same idea Lance

tomthern

I think in the beginning it is about counting the days and then as time goes on it's about living for the day. That's what I have found. Things aren't perfect but they are so much better.

Dee74

I counted the days til about 90.
If you're over counting days don't count days Lance - just stay sober.

Sobriety should never be a chore - it's about life, and living it

How are you going with building a sober life you enjoy?

D