Ktessa

I have not had a drink since December, 2011. Prior to that I was sober one year, then drank on and off for a year. Everything everyone says about going back out is true. I had my misery back any time I wanted it. And miserable I was. I know this intellectually. But I am so resentful because I can't relax and have a drink like I used to. I did not have a problem with alcohol until I was in my late 40's. I'd enjoy a glass of wine or two and be done with it. Or, I wouldn't drink anything. It wasn't a NEED back then. An abdominal surgery and reconstruction changed the way my body processed alcohol, and I was off to the races. Obviously the addiction was laying in wait.
In the time I've been fighting the active addiction, my family has lost so many people, starting with my mom, but to me that was the natural order of events. This loss was quickly followed by my sister's husband, (godfather of my daughter), two of my husband's brothers, my youngest sister, and most recently my other sister's husband. All of these people were young (my sister only 48). Two of them died from alcohol related causes (both had had the same medical procedure as I). You would think that seeing them die would make my resolve to not drink stronger. But the resentment is killing me. Any suggestions?

least

Welcome to the family. I had many warning signs that I should stop drinking but ignored them until the day came when I was sick and tired of always being sick and tired.

I'm glad you joined us.

sweetenuff

Hi Ktessa, I'm on my latest stint of trying to stop and I always go back because I resent not being able to have a drink, I want a drink. I convince myself I will be OK and end up gradually in the same place. I have never managed more than a couple of months so I think that you have managed amazingly.

Lots of people with long term sobriety here who will no doubt have advice, in the meantime welcome

brasa

Ktessa, for what you describe about processing alcohol differently after abdominal surgery, I believe you are referring to drinking post roux-n-y gastric bypass... It is true. There are lots of long term studies now.

Not only the metabolization of alcohol is faster and longer, but that is also the issue of cross-addiction. Wine seems to be the worst.

If that is your case, I would start with talking with your surgeon (if it was bariatric surgery) and he will probably refer you to a specific support group. The psychiatrist who performed your pre-op evaluation should also be contacted.

You can conquer this!

mecanix

Hmm... "relax and have a drink" .. you can relax anytime you like . Missing drinking is one thing , relaxing is another .

What have you done to learn how to relax ? What have you learned about how others relax and switch off without taking mind altering substances ?

I'm a bit of a perfectionist and drove myself really hard , these days i make sure i give myself time off in which to do nothing much other than watch funny films , read a good book , go on a gentle walk somewhere pretty .

You can be self indulgent and relax without alcohol , alcohol always made me really tired .. exhausted ..

Bestwishes, m

Anna

I'm sorry that you're feeling resentful that you can't drink.

I find that focusing on Gratitude helps a lot. Maybe you could start a Gratitude Journal and focus on the positives of not having alcohol in your life.

Ktessa

Trying to relax has always been a challenge for me. I've begun to meditate, read, take walks, etc. I also keep a list of things I'm grateful for. maybe I should have stated things differently. I feel like such an outsider in my life which is made of of many wonderful things and people. We have a lot of gatherings, both impromptu and planned. I am, much more often than not the only person not drinking alcohol. I feel so sorry for myself, and it turns into such resentment. I want the desire to drink to be lifted, but that has not happened. I hate this. I'm still allowing alcohol to control me, even though I'm not consuming it.

LBrain

Ktessa, Get it out of your head. I know it's easy for me to say that. I still think about it too.

Think that perhaps there are some at your gatherings who are rather jealous of you that you don't have to drink to enjoy yourself. It took something I read here to remind me that not everyone else enjoys drinking. I mean, the people who do not have a problem with it. They just don't drink, never struggled with alcohol or battled addiction. These people exist. And they enjoy life. They do not think about drinking, it never occurred to them that is was an issue. Try to be one of them. In time it will become second nature to you. It won't even bother you that others are drinking.

Anna

My suggestion would be to stop being around people who are drinking.

Find things to do that don't involve alcohol and make new sober friends.

I stayed away from alcohol and people who were drinking for almost 10 months at the outset, and even now, I'm rarely around alcohol because my life has moved in different directions.

yeahgr8

Go to AA, get some support, learn about how alcoholism affects you, integrate into the meetings, get a sponsor, work through the steps and as a result recover from the mental obsession for alcohol.

I think waiting for the day when you suddenly realise that a drink can't help is folly so it's time for action if you want to be sober long term.

ru12

Well, I think it is normal to desire things that we don't or can't have. Perhaps can't isn't the right word, we all could drink if we wanted to. The problem for me was that alcohol overshadows the rest of my life when I drank it. It was simply toxic for me. Kind if like when the little boy finds out that he really didn't want the bee after all.

You've been sober a good spell. What have you done to expand your life besides just not drinking?

Dee74

Hi and welcome ktessa

I think there's been some good advice here. I resented the heck out of the fact I couldn't drink for a long while.

But them I started to like who I was sober and I liked the things i could accomplish sober.

I had to build a new life tho to make that happen. My old life was all about drinking...I realised that as long as I led that same life I'd either drink, or be resentful I couldn't.

D

soberclover

In my early sobriety I was resentful that I couldn't drink. The reality set in. I began to realize how absurd it was for me to be resentful about something that was literally killing me. The reality, too, was that drinking made me tired....not relaxed. Relaxed for this sober person means that I can actually enjoy the moment that I'm in. I can notice the sun shining and actually feel it rather than clouding everything up with the wine. Drinking numbs the brain. I am learning to really relax now and NOT numbing myself out which is what I was doing before.

Hevyn

Welcome ktessa! You found a great place to talk things over.

Yes, resentment & feeling sorry for myself kept me drinking long after I knew I was in trouble. I bargained with myself - surely I could use willpower to control it. Of course that never worked, & in the end I was drinking all day. At that point it was counterproductive - causing me so much anxiety & misery - never relaxing or fun anymore. I started to look at quitting not as a loss, but a huge triumph. We're not meant to be in a haze.

I'm very sorry for all the loss you've suffered. I hope you'll keep posting - we care.

MIRecovery

The feeling that we can ever drink like other people has to be completely smashed. In reality I never want to drink like other people I wanted to he a drunk without the consequences

courage2

Ktessa, my condolences go out to you on your many losses.

Are you sure that what you resent is that you can't relax and have a drink like you used to -- and not that you resent something -- fate, God, what you will -- for the deaths of your family members?

Just asking because I know a man who had 19 years sober and went back to drinking out of resentment about the death of his brother. He's fortunately sober again, but I think still struggles with a feeling of injustice about the loss.

Notimetoloose

I am so very for your loss.
Is it possible that it is part of the grief process, anger can be part of grief. Anger and resentment can feel similar. You have lost a lot of your near and dear family members.
I think you are doing amazingly well under the circumstances. I am glad you are here.