rbotlove

I realized yesterday I have no one to blame but myself. I chose this lifestyle though I hate to admit it. I chose to lose myself I chose to drink everyday. I didn't choose the situations, but I chose to react to them in a negative way. I remember when I was 19 and I was going places. I was healthy, I was physically fit. Then life happened as it usually does ( mental breakdown, psych ward, heartbreak, alcoholism). I can't even remember the last time I've felt like my old self I miss it. All I can do is try and change, change is good and it's something different. I need different. I'm really scared and also pissed at myself that I let my life turn out like this. I know what I want, it's just really ******* hard. Have you ever felt that your not living up to your expectations of yourself you once had when you were young? I'm glad I have support from all of you, I feel I can get through this, it gives me hope . Now enough of that rant I just felt like sharing.

BHappy2014

I am with you. I feel the same way and just want change. Done feeling bad all the time.

RazaR

I can completely relate on how our situations are brought on by our own poor decisions. I was truly disgusted in myself. Not until recently though have I begun to hold myself at a higher standard. My expectations of my current self when I was younger were that I'd likely be dead by now. Ya, I was not a model citizen for a very long time. Woohoo! I've exceeded expectations in that regard lol. There is a certain "version" of myself that I do miss though. My career was on the rise and I had no substance abuse issues (yet). That version was eager to meet every days challenges at work and I loved learning new things.

I hope to get back to that feeling again.

anewpage

I have been blaming other people for a long time. Situations I was put in, etc. But I myself chose to react with a bottle of alcohol. Nobody's fault but mine. It's a hard pill to swallow. I'm still dealing with it. Venting here does help.

Coldfusion

If you were in a psych ward, was there a diagnosis? How you take care of underlying problems is the key to sobriety.

Aellyce

Rbotlove, welcome to SR - this can be the beginning of a new life if you choose to make it so, perhaps not even meeting your "old self" again, but a new you that you don't even know very well yet? It certainly feels that way for me often 3 months into my first attempt to live free of addictive behaviors.

I'm often thinking that I've probably never really known life free of serious stress and drama... I was 10 when I developed an eating disorder and struggled with versions of this for ~15 years, I knew they seriously affected my life. Then had probably 3-4 years in relative peace and happiness (good, productive kind of happiness, not fake hedonistic type), to then slip slowly but surely into alcohol abuse, which lasted another >10 years... Lots and lots of weirdness during all those years.

I feel I'm learning how to live, interact, and just live a good life now 40 years old... I feel immature in many ways.

"Have you ever felt that your not living up to your expectations of yourself you once had when you were young?"

YES, absolutely, ~ all the time in my life. Still feel this way, but I'm now more satisfied that I'm actually working on all these things in a constructive way, not a halfhearted way like before. I think an important component in the journey of early recovery is accepting what's done - past is past, it is what it is - learn from it what we can and look ahead. Try not to repeat old mistakes too much, as much as possible. It is really not easy.

I wish you all the best, keep posting and sharing!

Thepatman

I also can relate. When I was around 18 everything seemed so simple.

What I learned is that I grew up in a dysfunctional family, that I never developed healthy coping mechanisms for life's challenges. That my emotional development is equal to a 12 year old.

That being said, I have a full plate in front of me. Attacking this sober puts me in a good situation.

Sobriety is work, work and more work in ourselves.

Similar to pimp my car, except it's pimp my person. LOL!

Verte

Last night I was cleaning the toilet and this popped in my head:

"When I grow up, I want to be sober and cleaning the toilet while wanting a beer more than anything I have ever wanted before. Then I want to hate wanting this beer, for ever wanting beer, and work really hard to love who I am and where I am...while I am cleaning a toilet."

Did you ever see that commercial with all the kids saying ridiculous things they wanted to be 'when they grow up'?

YEs! The above sentence is ridiculous-ness...the kid in me is here and totally aware.

You can do this!

Upward2Enlightenment

I bet most if not all of us have felt or feel that way here. I know I do.

rbotlove

I'm glad that I am not alone in feeling this way. Btw I was in the hospital because of a psychosis, and later got diagnosed with major depressive disorder with psychotic symptoms. I'm on medication but trying to get off and get clean.

Coldfusion

I would say it was best to deal with one thing at a time, and not try to quit drinking and taking psychiatric medications at the same time. Work with a doctor on this--if you can, check yourself in to a rehab center that specializes in dual-diagnosis (there is one in Chelan, Washington).

OpioPhobe

I definitely felt like I wasn't living up to the standards that I had set for myself in my youth. In my infinite wisdom I had given myself a set of standards that no one would have been able to meet. Even if I had met them I would have just reset the bar and told myself I had been taking it too easy.

It wasn't so much about the shame of using that made me feel like I wasn't living up to my standards. I was pissed at myself for a long time because I wasn't 'strong enough' to use without it affecting me.

None of the emotions of guilt, shame, blame or regret did anything positive for me though. There isn't anything you can do about past choices. Your choices going forward are the only things that matter now.

Thepatman

Good news is that WE are better than the sum of our addiction. Why put ourselves down when we are the true achievers of what life is all about, self discovery and self improvement?

Nothing against the balanced folks, the ones that appear ok, but I think our curse is also our blessing.

BHappy2014

You are not alone.

Aellyce

ScrewdUpInDe, I LOVE that graphic! Just saved it so can look at it and share with others.
Thank you for posting it!

Dee74

It's never too late to make a fresh start Rbotlove. I was 40 when I made my life over.

You have a great opportunity now to write the life story you want, and deserve
D

LBrain

Thanks Dee, I waited till I was 55.
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!

Upward2Enlightenment

I am doing it at 45.

rbotlove

I'm doing it at 22 sometimes I think mate I'm not worth going into rehab, like other people have ***** problems an I'm just gonna waste people time.

least

I got sober in my late fifties. It's never too late to start again.