snowflake74

Last night I had a "This **** just got real" moment when I counted my remaining pills on my opiate taper and realized I don't have enough to make it to my sober date if I kept up what I was taking.

For those that are following my flying analogy, I was flying so high that if I kept at that same altitude, I'd fly right over the airport, or worse, I'd run completely out of fuel and crash.

So because today was a random planned day off from work (my last before the runway) I nosed down and plummeted down to 40,000 ft. (4 pills). Now I'm at the right altitude for a proper approach to the runway again, with enough fuel to get there. But it was harrowing. My scalp burned and I felt like a zombie. But I did it.

I have a new landing plan based on my remaining fuel and it involves stabilizing at 40-50,000 ft. for a few days. That was a drop from 90,000 ft. I'm concerned that tomorrow will be difficult given the rapid descent today, but I have no choice now but to stabilize at this current altitude and continue descending.

Although this plane is banged up, debris flying off, engines are smoking... it's nice to be closer to cloud level. The plan is still for wheels to touch ground the evening of May 22nd and to have 4 full days to come to a stop.

I have this site as Air Traffic Control to help guide me down and next week a repair plane will makes some repairs mid-air with an anti-depressant to have stabilize the plane. I haven't decided yet whether or not to turn in my pilot's license once I'm on the ground, as I don't want to get flagged as having flown outside of my flight path into restricted areas, but for now I'm definitely walking away from the airport after I celebrate with all of you, and checking into a nice hotel spa so as to recoup from this harrowing one-year flight from hell.

Dee74

I've never had an opiate taper so I have no experience to share.
Have you thought about getting professional medical advice snowlflake?

D

snowflake74

I have done tons of research on the internet, and it's fairly common knowledge, that opiate withdrawal is not something that requires medical supervision or approval. Although it can be extremely horrible and uncomfortable, withdrawal is not life-threatening, such as would be with alcohol withdrawal. You don't get seizures or anything like that. Whether you go cold turkey or taper, there's not much a doctor can advise you on that is necessary for safety reasons. And either way, you're not going to die.

Now doctors can prescribe medication like suboxone, etc. to HELP, but I'm not interested in that and don't think I need it. I know lots do and it can be helpful.

I feel like your concern Dee is hinting that a doctor really should be supervising this taper, and I appreciate your concern, but medical supervision is really not necessary. I promise.

I do plan to consult with my psychiatrist about getting on anti-depressants.

OpioPhobe

Snowflake - if you read the fine print it says that it isn't lethal in MOST cases. People have died coming off opis. There are lawsuits against certain jails that let H addicts die from dehydration when kicking. Also, those stats saying it isn't lethal don't include suicides.

I am not saying that to try to scare you or anybody else from quitting. It just isn't factually correct to say that it isn't life-threatening in ANY cases.

Dee74

I'll always suggest seeing a Dr. It seems to me to be the best option.

I know oxy withdrawal is not usually life threatening, but I also know I was a pretty terrible Dr. to myself...no sense of perspective, y'know?

good luck with whatever you decide

D

Verte

The above snippet is about all that registered in my head.

Ok. So you are counting pills and getting anxious about the quantity. What inside of you are the pills taking care of or masking?

*Call your Psychiatrist tomorrow.

You mentioned in the previous post that you feel depressed. The antidepressants take time to kick in.

*Call your Psychiatrist tomorrow.

You have legitimate pain. Pain is anxiety inducing.

*Talk to your Rheumie about long-term non-opioid pain management options.

Snowflake - if you wish to cut the ball-and-chain of short-term opioid dependence/addiction (and it is a serious dependence and/or addiction in the long term) you have to set yourself up to give it your best shot. I know you know this.

*Call your Psychiatrist. Talk to your Rheumie. They know a lot more about you than the internet.

Talk to your Docs. That's my suggestion for that flight plan.

snowflake74

I called my psychiatrist but his answering machine says he's out until may 9th. I don't want his sub to start me on something - he doesn't know me from adam. I left him a message to call me the day he gets back - trust me, I know it takes a while to kick in and I want the soonest appt. after may 9th!

I am definitely going to talk to my rheumie as well. But I want to be cautious as to how I say it. I'm not going in there and telling him I'm addicted to the opiates he's been prescribing (although he has to know that based on the quantity he has been prescribing me) and I'm having trouble quitting. I know that would be the best thing, but I just can't do that - it's just not an option. What I plan to say is more casually that I'm thinking about trying something new, perhaps non-opioid...

We all have to deal with our problems within the parameters of our lives as best as possible. If I REALLY were to do this the right way, I would take two weeks off from work and go to a rehab facility in Pasadena. That's a great option for some, but not for me due to the kind of work that I do. I can't be known as an addict, even in recovery - that would be a deal-breaker for my job. If there was a list of the Jobs Least Desirable To Have If You're An Addict In Disguise, aside from POTOS, mine would be right up near t he top. That's why I'm on this site anonymously and not at an NA meeting right now.

Verte

A mohawk?

No, seriously. I really do understand the need to not be labeled. I really understand this. Wanting to stop opioid dependency (even without the addiction) is a completely legitimate conversation with your prescribing Rheumie. It still is not in your (or any living beings) best interest to be prescribed these meds long-term. So you need to push the point or think about finding a new Rheumie.

Ok. I'll back off now.

snowflake74

OpioPhobe, fair enough. I guess it's possible one can die due to opioid withdrawal. I guess what I was trying to say was that the odds are fairly low, particularly when compared to other drugs in which medical detox is imperative.

I'm here for peer, non-professional support. I think that's the understood purpose of this site. I know people mean well, but the constant barrage of "seek medical advice" is not helpful and a little cold and irritating. Again, I know you mean well when you say it, but let's try to give feedback that goes beyond what is already a ground rule for being here and thus goes without saying (or should). Sorry if I seem a little cranky. I'm withdrawing off of opiates.

snowflake74

LeTheVerte - you can cut the facetiousness out. You're becoming a little adversarial. That's not helpful.

Verte

Fair enough. You are correct Snowflake.

The thing is this advice IS coming from personal experience. I, like many, am also a patient. Self advocacy takes a lot of work.

Truly sorry that it was not helpful for you.

OpioPhobe

Snowflake - I hear you about working within the parameters of our own situations. I would have loved to go to rehab, but it wasn't in the cards.

If you are really sweating telling the doctor about the addiction you could bring up other side effects (e.g. constipation). If you just say that you are thinking about trying something new that is non-opiate based it may sound suspicious without a valid reason. What is your response going to be if he asks why you want to try something new?

snowflake74

That's a good idea opiophobe. I'm not too worried about my doctor questioning me, as I feel like he will welcome any comment that is about trying something new. It's just a vibe I get from him. He wasn't superly enthusiastic writing me a prescription for such a large quantity of pills in a month. I poo-poo'ed the idea of another med he recommended because it doesn't come in generic, and while not an opioid, it still can cause dependency issues. I forget the name of it. But he specifically asked me if I was getting constipated with all of these opiates, so it could be very easy to say that I am now. My next appointment is with him on Thursday.

purechaos

Keep the faith my friend. . People only want what's best for you. .. The crummy part of recovery is its not particularly enjoyable. ..Sometimes that includes the advice we get, the truths we need to own up to, and the things we have to do.

I think people are just saying that with a stronger support system you could have easier success. So with your new plan will you go up now from 4 pills or stay at 4 for awhile. If you survived a day at 4 pills I would suggest you try that a few more days (of your plan is to go back up)..

I think you can easily tell your doc you want to get of these meds without being labeled addict. . Even people who take them 100% just as prescribed build up the same tolerance its chemistry and science. Say you are constipated say the meds just are not having the same effect with the pain and you want a new option. ... There are other options. . Issue becomes with real pain those options usually don't quite live up to the pain meds. .. But there are obviously other benefits to kicking the opiates.

I know you want to remain anonymous but I am curious what you do. ... Are you a doctor? An addiction counselor? A police officer? There is never really a good profession to be an addict in. ...

Still cheering you on. .
Keep your chin up and keep moving forward.

snowflake74

I know people mean well here, for the most part. I also know that in settings such as this, that involve an anonymous volley of posts between strangers it is easy to engage in a debate with someone just for the sake of debating. There's a wonderful quote I heard recently, that I think is applicable here...

"Sometimes we listen less to understand and more to reply."

I just want people to know that at this moment in time, I am an irritable, miserable, cranky, volatile, wonderful person who is trying their best to withdraw off of opiates. I am a scorching hot mess and just trying to get through this horrible time in my life.

Right now I would just really appreciate expressions of kindness, support and encouragement.

Some are going to read this and immediately feel the urge to confront this post by saying something such as "you only want people to say want you want to hear." At this moment, yes that is true. No need to debate it. I readily admit it.

Please understand. I'll be stronger hopefully very soon and at that time I'll be able to handle advice and constructive criticism, confrontation. Just not right now.

Please understand.

Dee74

I think, regardless of what they write, people take time out their day to help you snowflake...that's pretty awesome, and I think it's best taken in that spirit

sometimes it might not be want we want to hear, but more often than not it's something that stays with us for use later, y'know?

D

snowflake74

You're right, Dee. I should appreciate every gesture of help. Sorry.

Druwyd

Hang in there Snow, the hot volatile mess part does improve.

snowflake74

I had a good day today. And many of you will be proud to read this:

I had my appt. with my rheumie today and I was able to express to him that I'm a bit disillusioned with staying on the pills and have been thinking about possibly tapering down. I mentioned some constipation (which is not a lie). He did not seem sketched out and simply said that he supports that, and that perhaps in a month or so we can look at tapering down (I didn't tell him I'm well under-way with tapering myself already). We actually had a fairly long chat about how I'm doing in general. I told him I think I'm a little depressed and thinking about getting on an anti-depressant. He said he thought that's a good idea. He dictated a note to my primary care doc and psychiatrist updating them on my work with him, what I'm prescribed and how I'm considering tapering in the near future. My PCP is gonna FREAK OUT when he sees what my rheumie has been prescribing me! Maybe that's a good thing. My PCP knows I've been taking opiates but I don't think he knows how much my current prescription is for.

My PCP might be my "higher power in action" in AA terms. He was never been thrilled that my rheumie prescribes me pain medicine because he thinks my neuropathy diagnosis is bogus even though I've had a skin biopsy which proves it. (It's not bogus - I have legitimate neuropathic pain). He has always been concerned about me taking opiates, but understands that I'm just following my other doctor's treatment, thus I am a little caught in between them. But he will be happy to hear the part about me wishing to taper down.

Flying at 50,000 today and descending to 40,000 tomorrow where I'll be through the weekend.