BHappy2014

Im on Day 2 after my latest setback. I have to do this but those close to me are being so hard to me. I deserve it. I was a hateful, resentful, mean drunk this time. I said things that I wouldn't say to my worst enemy if sober. How can I stay sober while feeling this pain and guilt? I know I can't snap things right but it's hard to not numb the pain. I know that is about me. I dont deserve to just "feel better" but I'm scared I'll cave.

Verte

Do not drink.

Do not drink.

Do not drink.

Accept the pain and do not drink. Apologies are meaningless if you drink and it happens again, and be assured that it will and the consequences will be more significant.

Take the guilt and turn it into motivation to not drink, then do your best to let the guilt go because it has done it's job.

You can do this!!

doggonecarl

You don't drink. That's how you stay sober. And you suffer through the pain and guilt knowing that if you stay sober, you won't add to the guilt and pain by drinking and doing anymore reprehensible things.

You are afraid you'll cave because drinking is the default setting for dealing with guilt. And for an alcoholic like I was, I felt guilt SO I could drink. Terrible loop to be in.

You can't undo the past. But you can move forward and never repeat it. But only if you stay sober.

BHappy2014

Thank you. I keep trying to apologize but that starts more fighting. It's a horrible circle. all I can think about is wine. Thank God for this group. I will make it.

MariahGayle

BHappy - You can't go back...just move forward. I know exactly how your feeling with the guilt & shame as many many here do. You are not alone & you can do this!!

Upward2Enlightenment

BHappy wait a while before you apologize any more. If the pain is fresh in them you are just rekindling it. I learned this the hard way.
Don't drink then after you have been sober a while you can try and calmly talk about it. Sober time will show them that you are changing and mean your apology.

Verte

doggonecarl...i drank 2 cups of coffee this morning - gave me the 2 second edge in beating you to the first post

BHappy2014...want to add that I am just 5 days ahead of you with my sober Day7 status. It feels really good to be committed to not being that __fill-in-the-blank__ person to others (most importantly to myself) while drinking.

Forgiving myself [yourself] and not being 'that person' ever again can only be assured while sober. Realizing this makes it a lot easier to do what I have to do to keep everything in my life that that I want, let go of the unnecessary/useless, and bring in lots more good stuff.

AND this forum is a Godsend...just want to add my thanks again for this.

You are here. Make it work. Make it happen. Day2 is a really big deal. Huge.

BHappy2014

I obsessively try to apologize and it just makes me feel worse and want to drink. I was told I'm being aggressive and abusive to try to make myself feel better. Guess that is true. Problem is I see the people I was nasty to twice a day. They watch my daughter ( motivation ) while I work. I tend to fall apart the weekends she's with her dad. Not exactly enjoying this divorce process. Guilt is killing me.

hopeful4

Think of the guilt you will experience if this continues.

You can do this. You are stronger than you think! The best thing you can do for any and all you love is to get yourself well, be open and honest, and forgive yourself.

Verte

BHappy2014 - guilt is only useful if it serves a greater purpose and 'killing you' does not qualify.

Alcohol is a nasty bugger. Stay committed to booting it out of the equation.

Stress. Come up with a good plan to manage the immediate carpola (letter mix-up intentional...family friendly site ) & stress. If being alone is hard...then work harder to be with someone, other people.

Take deep breaths when you see the people you behaved nasty towards. Allow them the space to experience their own reaction and feelings. Remember that even though you behaved horribly...they are absolutely responsible for their own behavior as well.

biminiblue

Day two. Really well done.

The spinning thoughts die down more and more the longer you stay away from alcohol. The first couple weeks were really hard for me, too. Just hang in there and know that there is an emotional roller coaster ride you are on for a while.

Don't drink at it. That's all you have to do today. Call for support to AA or a sober person who is sympathetic, like a priest or counselor.

BHappy2014

Thank you everyone. This site is so helpful. I am in that stage where I just feel insane. I don't want another Day 1!

Verte

The people in your life that matter will support you. We all figure this out one way or another (often the hard way) I think.

Most important though is the support you give yourself. Take the option of drinking alone off the table.

I'm very 'post-y' this morning...I'm procrastinating on a few deadlines.

Keep coming back here reading and posting! LOTS of wisdom on SR.

biminiblue

I think it is important to me to remember just . how. awful. I felt at the end of my drinking and the beginning of my sober.

I wrote a lot of it down (they also have you do this as part of Step One in AA.)

We have broken "remember-ers". Our "forgetterers" work a little too well.

Maybe journal these thoughts and feelings as you go along. It is a powerful reminder of what you have to look forward to if you pick up again.

BHappy2014

My life has been complete drama for 2 years. I left my marriage after my husband assaulted me and it's just been rough. I need to feel this pain, not drink and move on. I used to be fun and carefree. Not sure who I am now? I want to sleep through this part but we all know that isn't possible. I feel on the edge.

Berrybean

It sounds to me like the 12-step process of the AA might be helpful to you - and def the support that the people you meet there will be. It is so important to avoid those HALT feelings to stay sober. Oh - and that washing-machine-head thing with all the feelinsg and thoughts tumbling about? Totally normal. You're not going mad now - that was when you were drinking!! xx

willhunting264

BeHappy- think of it this way. All the stuff you are feeling is normal. You aren't alone. Since I quit drinking I've been out on another anxiety med cause alcohol masked it before. Trust me, being a mean drunk is pretty common. It just means you and alcohol don't mix. I recently quit too. I'm about a month in and I've been mean to my wife numerous times. It's even a harder pill to swallow for me cause I'm a police officer. Cops love to drink. But I had to make a choice. Stay strong. Don't let the poison beat you.

biminiblue

I've been in three physically abusive relationships with men.

I now know what to look for in early relationship days. If you got out, you are a survivor. Don't kill yourself now! You've got the best of life ahead.

He was a jerk. It's not your fault. Learn from it and have a great life.

Dee74

I pushed a lot of people to the edge. When I got sober I had to take my lumps.

Talk was cheap - I needed action before people would trust me again.

I stayed sober - I made real changes - and people responded to that.

I'm sure they will with you too Bhappy - give it time

In the mean time, use the support and understanding you have here

D

least

When I stopped drinking I wanted my daughters' trust back right now, but it doesn't work that way. I had to prove myself, and my actions verified my intent. Give it more time. Stay sober and they will see this.