Do I have a problem; If so, how do I tell my spouse?
 

Hi All,

I am dealing with some denial and sadness. I feel like alcohol is a part of my life and I don't know if that's such a bad thing. Lots of people feel that way and don't have a problem - so I'm not sure if I'm blowing this out of proportion.

The reason I feel I need help is that when I start drinking, I often do so until I can't remember what I did or said. That makes me really hate myself the next day. The reason I don't feel I need help, is that I don't drink daily and this isn't the case all the time. I can often have 1 beer or a glass of wine without going overboard. I drink 1-3 times per week. Only 10% of the time, will I drink "too much". I don't want to quit because I feel like a glass of wine for an anniversary, or a pina colada by the pool during the summer is part of the experience of these types of events. But hell, maybe I'm just in denial.

I'm the guy that people know will be pouring drinks when I host a party. Nobody leaves my house sober!

I feel so ashamed to call myself an "alcoholic". And if I do end up getting help though meetings (i.e. AA), I don't know how I'd tell my wife, parents, siblings, friends, etc. While I can tell most of these people that I don't want to drink (when offered or I'm hosting), I would need to tell my wife that I'm going to meetings. As a father to her child and a husband that she looks up to for advice and to run the house, I feel like a complete failure if I tell her I've gotten to a point that I need help and need to leave family or work for meetings. Has anybody dealt with this type of shame or worry? If so, how did it turn out? How did you approach it?

So, what do I do from here? I really hate to quit cold turkey FOREVER. But it might be the only choice, like I did with cigarettes 10 years ago. There was no "occasionally smoking" and I assume there will be no "occasional drinking".

I'm so f***ing mad.

By the way, I've hinted a couple of weeks ago that I am considering quitting drinking altogether (without mentioning that I have a problem) and she said "that's not realistic".

Welcome HealthFirst. Please know that you are definitely not alone, your story is similar to many of us. The worry and shame is very common too - the best approach for most is to stop drinking. How you go about that is up to you - as well as who you tell, etc. It is almost certain that your spouse knows too, unless you are doing your blackout drinking away from home.

Welcome!

First of all, I think it's important to talk to your wife, but beyond that, it's surely not necessary to share the information with anyone else. I am no longer ashamed that I am an alcoholic, but, it is just a part of who I am and I choose to focus on other things. Other than my husband and two adult children, I have told no one in my life about my addiction. That wasn't my decision early on, but as time went by I realized what a personal journey recovery would be.

If alcohol is causing problems in your life, then stopping drinking is the best answer.

Thank you for the responses. How do you handle being offered drinks by those who know you as a person who drinks if you don't tell them about the addiction? It's almost automatic that if I'm at a family member's or friend's house, that we'll have at least a drink together. I can't keep saying "not tonight" forever.

Hi, you are most certainly amongst people who can sympathise with the situation, drinking daily or binge drinking does not mean or not mean you are an alcoholic, In my opinion it is a simple rule to determine, can you control your drinking? Or does your drinking control you?

Only you can answer that question honestly?

How about 'I've decided to quit, it was not agreeing with me'.

If you are getting this drunk, even 10% of the time, I doubt it's a secret from your wife, meaning she already knows you have a problem with alcohol. Unless she drinks as much as you, I'd think she'd welcome hearing you say you want to quit.

Good luck.

I just say no thanks. The only people who obsess about whether we are drinking or not are ourselves, other people really don't care one way or the other.

Regarding immediate family, I did tell my in laws and my parents that I wasn't drinking at all anymore and none of them questioned me in the least. In fact, you are more likely to get a response like "that's great - sometimes I think I drink to much too".

No, not forever, but you keep saying it until they quit asking you.

Anyway, don't be getting ahead of yourself. Quit drinking first, accumulate some sober time AWAY FROM YOUR DRINKING FRIENDS AND FAMILY, then worry how you are going to introduce the sober HealthFirst back into society.

You could wait till you drink every day, get drunk every night, lose your family, job home etc. I mean, a lot of people do. Or you could use your wakeup call to your advantage. It is funny, but after a while, you don't miss that drink any more then you do that cigarette. I quit smoking a long time ago, and I don't miss it. I quit drinking and I give no explanation except, I don't want a drink. No one cares what I drink, and I don't care what they drink. A glass of iced tea by the pool is great. You will find things you like to drink, I promise. Do whatever it takes for you to be the best you that you can be.

Hi, your story sound like mine. i finally told my spouse and he was relieved that i had realized I have a problem and tells me I am brave to seek help. But he also thinks that I will with time be able to moderate. I think it is really hard for "normal" drinkers to understand the feeling when you are an alcoholic and crave more drinks. It is not just to stop. I found it surpisingly easy to tell people I don´t drink (although I manage only very short stretches of sobriety so I am no expert..). I tell them that I discovered have more fun sober, that alcohol doesn´t make me feel well. Most people don´t seem to mind and drop the subject. At work I say I plan to excersise the next day or that I am driving as I have a job where I really don´t want people to know.

Good luck on your journey!

I found the only person who did not know I had a problem was me. I seriously doubt it will be a surprise to most people

I guess I'm scared of the stigma that comes with going to AA meetings. I just never wanted to be "that guy", especially to my wife who looks up to me so much (no disrespect to anybody who goes to meetings; I envy your courage to take control of your lives). Yes, my wife brought it up last week that I drank too much the day prior and wouldn't listen to her when she asked me to stop pinching her and that it hurt. I don't even remember the event. She does drink, too. Sometimes to an unhealthy, puking point, but that is much rarer than my episodes.

Is this a good start? "Honey. I think you have noticed that I occasionally drink too much. Unfortunately, I have realized that as much as I try not to get to that point, sometimes I just can't control it getting out of hand. Therefore, there is no healthy amount for me to drink because I never know when that one will lead to ten or more. I feel I'll lose weight, feel more energetic, and also be a better husband/father without it. There are groups that I want to join that support quitting completely and I want you to support me through a journey of completely quitting.".

Gosh. I guess it doesn't sound as bad as I thought after I typed it out.

Wow. Everybody's responses have been so darn helpful. I never imagined this much support and "getting it" from people who just read a post from me online. THANK YOU.

For me, "No, thanks" works really well.

Try to remember you don't owe anyone an explanation as to whether or not you are drinking.

The act of honesty is far more important than any specific words you can say. If what you typed above is what you really feel, then that's exactly what you should say.

I think that is excellent. Now think about what you mean by "support" (and I mean concrete examples of what she can do to help you) and you are well on your way.

And I think the same phrase, modified slightly, will work with friends and family too.

I think it's worth putting it on the record here that the occasional heavy drinking often leads to use of cocaine (maybe once a month or two) which leads to a ridiculous amount of guilt. :-(

Do most people quit by joining groups like AA? Or is it sustainable without those meetings? I am having a really hard time getting myself to go to a meeting (I feel ashamed.).