nmd

I've seen a couple other posts from people mentioning they are married or in a relationship with another heavy drinker, and they are trying to quit.

This is the case for me, my girlfriend drinks about the same amount as I have in the past, but doesn't want to quit. I've tried to talk to her a number of times about my desire to quit (or in the past cut back), and her responses have varied from silence to a sarcastic "good luck with that" to "I hope you don't expect me to quit drinking". I think I last time I brought it up was in March/April before joining this forum. I quit and have relapsed twice. I've been here for support, not really feeling any empathy or support elsewhere with my GF or friends. I love her to death, and it's her choice to drink or not, but making a major life change and not really discussing it with the one you love sucks. Just simple things like, "it was hard today to not drink." I think a lot of her attitude is due to not wanting to raise her hopes because of addicts she has dealt with in the past who relapsed, and of course this time that is me. I can't blame her.

So, I'm not sure she objects to me quitting, but she certainly hasn't been supportive. Hopefully that will change and she will see how I'm doing and be proud of me rather than silent, but only time will tell.

kiki1988

That sucks NMD. I don't really have any advice as I'm single, but good luck. Stick around here.

ScottFromWI

Don't forget that we cause a lot of distrust with our drinking so it's not surprising that we get sarcastic responses or that people don't believe us. Think of how you would react to someone who repeatedly told you they would do something, but then did not - and repeated the cycle several times.

The only thing you CAN do at this point is to actually quit and make a serious effort to do so. Have a serious conversation with her about why you want to quit, and SPECIFICALLY how you plan on going about it. And then follow through on the plan. You can't change what you've done before, but you can regain a lot of credibility by what you do today and moving forward.

doggonecarl

You can quit without her support...or you can quit without her as your girlfriend.

Your call.

nmd

Well, yeah. I've chosen the first option, that didn't give me much pause. It's just difficult.

ScottFromWI

Getting sober will be difficult whether you have the support of your GF or not. It's certainly not any easier if she's not fully supporting you, but perhaps if you frame it differently this time and show her you mean it she will be more supportive. Be honest and follow through on what you say you are going to do.

Carlotta

It can be done. My first time in sobriety, my live in boyfriend was a raging alcoholic who would drink in front of me. I stayed sober, joined Al Anon and eventually got rid of him. This is a difficult path though, especially if you live with her.
(I assume that she is also an alcoholic since you said she drank as much as you did)
If you decide to stay with her you will have to do some extra work on your recovery, learn to detach with love and not form resentments because "she can drink and you can't". You cannot make your sobriety contingent upon hers and you will have to be extremely focused. Her drinking is bound to give your AV tons of ammunition.
Also, having a face to face sober support system such as AA or SMART would really help you.

Good luck to you, you'll need it. I have been in your shoes, it is doable but very difficult.

nmd

created distrust - Yes, I have. regain credibility? I hope so! My conversation with her happened before I relapsed and quit again. I could have that conversation again but, going back to the credibility thing... already lost it. For now, I have just been saying I don't want to drink today. That doesn't cause any issues at least, but the serious conversation has to happen.

Verte

My husband and I were really great friends before we dated and got married. We both went to alcohol and drug saturated schools, had alcohol and drug saturated friends, celebrations, lives, losses.

Naturally have experienced a whole variety of first and second-hand struggle and loss.

When I would talk about this with other wives, husbands, friends...the usually response was that the struggle of being or loving someone with substance dependency/abuse is typical, 'normal'...everyone needs to do/use something in order to 'do' the amazing things they are doing and 'be' the amazing people they are.

Then I realized years later that most everyone in our circle were totally committed to maintaining dependency and never sobriety...replayed continuously like a really bad country ballad.

And I asked myself who/what could make the pain of the sobriety struggle easier for me? Do I need to be married/dating/friends with a stone-cold sober priest (obviously not really possible).

Even the sober priest could be my best buddy in the world and still struggle daily with dependency and addiction (private or public). Still be totally lovable. Worthy of love. While struggling. Still need to come to his own conclusions about life and dependency. And that person is everywhere.

Nobody I know is going anywhere I'm going but I do not feel lonely or disconnected about it with my husband anymore. Just have to go where I'm going, find people on a relatively parallel journey and be honest, kind and thoughtful along the way.

Hope this offers a perspective for you. I'm having a chest-squishingly thoughtful day. Totally sober. Totally worth it.

Janis

I can only draw off of my experience with my BF. He is supportive of my sobriety, however, he's normal so cannot really and truly understand my struggles since I'm an addict and he is not. I found more comfort when I have turned to other places to get the true support I need from others that stuggle with the same problem that I do which is alcoholism/addiction.

I understand how difficult this is and even more so when you don't get the support that you want but you can reach outside to get the support you need.

Good luck and remember that the best way to convince someone that you are really committed to becoming sober is by action more so than words. I have definitely relapsed and discredited my claims of sobriety but I try to get up and show them that I am committed to this life change. It takes time for people to come around.

Congrats on taking this big step!

nmd

Yes, some support group would help. I've casually looked for something lunch hour but haven't acted yet. I don't think SMART in the Buffalo area or at least it's not listed on their web page. AA seems ubiquitous.

Anna

The main thing is for you to make the changes in your life that you need to do. Hopefully your girlfriend will see your example.

ontherightpath

Living with this currently. I do have empathy for you.

RazaR

I'm on the same road as you. One day I just told myself this was it, I'm not doing this anymore and I've been sticking to it. I didn't tell her at first, she didn't really know up until yesterday. I didn't ask for her support nor do I expect it. Then again, that's the kind of person I am. If I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it myself. If I'm building a new deck in the backyard and you come over with a toolbelt on I'm gonna send you home. No offense but it's my job and I'm gonna be the one to complete it. I prefer that my successes or failures are completely dependent on myself.

My mother has always said that it's just me being stubborn and I can thank my dad for that.

Thank you Dad :-)

Berrybean

I'm in the same situation. I joined AA to get some emotional support. There is the occasional negative comment about it, but he can see I'm determined. I've told him straight out that I'm doing this for me. He can continue drinking and that's his choice, but I'm going to get the support I need to keep me sober.

At first he seemed to almost drink more. After about a month he started cutting down at least some days as well.

It will make things harder if she brings alcohol in the house. It will cause differences in opinion re the best thing to do to socialise. She may not want to quit at the moment, but may change her mind later (as long as you don't pressure her) when she sees how beneficial it is to you. (It's easy to kid yourself about your own drinking when your partner does the same, but it becomes glaringly insane when you aren't part of a double act I think).

Good luck. It's possible.

patricia68

"Be the change you wish to see in the world"

She'll follow you in your sobriety, you'll see

Verte

I'm right there!

Last night (Sober Day6) I was writing my first blog entry on SR. My husband came into the kitchen and asked what I was writing about and I told him it was a story about my experience from a night of drinking a few weeks ago.

After more questions I told him specifically that it was about a conversation I had with a beer bottle a few weeks ago after he went to sleep.

"Really?!?!?", he asked. laughing and surprised. Then he read it, gave me a huge hug and said "I had NO idea you talked to a beer bottle and I love you for your honesty."

Ummm. Talking to a beer bottle is nutty as a Christmas cheese-ball, but definitely not the nuttiest story I could write. The sober me realizes this. The drinking him thought it was funny and honest.

NUTS!

nmd

lol!

nmd

Oh, we're fully stocked. Beer/liquor/wine. She drinks every day, probably 4-6 beers on a weekday, maybe ten a day on weekends.

Asking for no alcohol in the house would be almost synonymous with asking her to move out.

Is she an alcoholic? I would say yes, but she needs to walk that path herself and I'm not going to judge her. The word doesn't really help, IMO.

littlefish

I think for a lot of us, at least for me, recovery is an inside job. It's my thing. I share my thoughts and feelings about my recovery at meetings. If it is more personal, I talk to a friend in recovery. I had an addictions therapist for a long time and an aa sponsor.

I didn't ever really draw my husband into the whole process of recovery, like mentioning if I had a rough moment wanting a drink. In the beginning I mentioned an exit plan for parties and showed a disinterest in going to heavy drinking events. But he generally hasn't really gone on the journey with me step by step. Maybe I felt like I put him through the mix master and back again with my drinking, he didn't need the grief of holding my hand through recovery. But, thats just me.

What kind of expectations nmd do you have in the area of partner support?