snowflake74

In the short time I've been on SR, I did not expect it to be so helpful and supportive! On Friday, I didn't use it like I needed to, and took 2 more pills than was the plan. Yesterday I used the site well and I was able to stay on track. So today, I'm trying to do the same.

I need to stick to 7 pills today. To put in perspective, I'm down from 13 and tapering for a "controlled landing" on May 23rd to be off the drug completely (I like to use airplane analogies - I'm really into airplanes and flying!)

If being on the ground means sobriety, I am a huge jumbo jet in the air that needs to land, and there's a runway in sight that is 4 days long (starting on May 23rd) for which I'm aiming. Lose altitude too fast and I crash and burn. Stay in the air beyond the runway and I lose fuel and crash. Come into the runway too fast and I won't be able to stop before the runway ends and I crash. So the goal is to come in at the right rate of descent so as to land and come to a complete stop on the 4-day runway. A week ago I was flying so high I was in the stratosphere - where planes were not meant to fly and sustained major damage. Today I'm at 70,000 ft. and have re-entered Earth's atmosphere. Today stabilize at 70,000 and tomorrow descend to 60,000. You guys are like my Air Traffic Control on the ground, helping me land sucessfully. Thanks for your support!

Bruce292

There is no easy way out of opiate addiction. The deals we make in our head to cut down or only take them as a reward are endless. I went through withdrawal twice. The first one was bad ... the second horrid. I literally didn't get up off the bathroom floor for two days. However, the hardest part was afterwards when my brain started to tell me that even though I had just gone through hell the solution to all my problems were more opiates. I think it's wonderful that you're tapering. It means you're serious about leaving your dependency behind. I guess I just want to leave you with a thought of hope. There IS life after opiates. You CAN leave it behind. It takes a while for the brain to adjust but it can and for me it did. Do your best and hang in there. I'm also going to be a bit of a nag. If possible, don't go it alone and talk to a doctor.

Be well.

topspin

Thanks for the post Snowflake,

I have no experience with opiates, but we have a member of our April Class who successfully tapered the last three weeks of March, and has been clean for over a month.
....just wanted to thrown that out there , ...she a great inspiration to us all.

I agree , it's surprised me , from day 1, how helpful and supportive this site is !

snowflake74

Topspin, is it ok to ask the member's name that successfully tapered? I would love to chat with her. If you don't feel comfortable telling me who she is, can you ask her to private message me?

Bruce, I am seeing a doctor - thank you for your nag :P May I ask you how long you were addicted to opiates and how much were you taking? You can private message me - that would be great. I love hearing from everyone, but I'd like to connect with as many opiate recoverers as possible.

My day was ok - except that in the middle of my 2 year-old nephew's birthday party today I had a bathroom emergency reminiscent of the worst scenes from the movie "Trainspotting." I need not say more. Thoughts did cross my mind to take an extra pill to recoup from that moment, but I didn't... thanks to you all. I knew I'd have to report back, and I didn't want to say I got off track. So thank you all! Tomorrow descending down to six!

purechaos

I am proud of you... Slightly concerned the taper is still too fast (your plane is coming in too quick and will still hit hard) ... I think when doctors taper people they cut back super slow... like 1 pill every few weeks... I obviously wish you nothing but success but I really hope you don't suffer the way I did.. Keep coming here.. Keep talking.. keep reaching out.. Keep your head up and keep moving forward. The good thing about opiate withdrawals is they won't kill ya... they will sometimes make you feel like you want to die but if you push through you will come out on the other side... 4 days should be a pretty good start of time off even if you come down too hard...

Rar

I don't have experience in opiate withdrawal, but I just want to say , " hang in there". Post when you feel the urge and wait for some responses. You can do this. You've already cut your dosage in half.

snowflake74

Purechaos, thanks for your concern. I've done this exact taper two times in the past 6 months... one was around the xmas hoildays and the other was in February. I've tweaked this taper schedule using those as lessons for what I needed to change. December I came down too fast too far away from the runway and had to hover at a low altitude for way too long. February I stayed high up for too long and plummeted down to the runway too quickly. This time I'm right in the middle, and so far it feels just right. I think the one pill a week'ers are for people with much more serious addictions...either hooked for much longer than me (I'm 1 year 2 months) OR was taking much higher dosages or stronger drugs.

Honestly I have no choice in my rate of descent, because the runway appeared relatively recently. I can't get off opiates if I don't have a window of a few days with which to do it because otherwise, I'd have to take sick leave from work. But I have almost none left. So thanks to Memorial Day weekend, I could just take Friday off too, and only have to use one vacation day of leave and suddenly... I've got a runway! Before that, I thought I'd have to be in the sky indefinitely because there was no runway in sight.

But the timing just worked out to give me a rate of descent that is still right in the middle of the extremes of my past two attempts, so I feel pretty confident I'll be on the ground safely and in one piece on May 23'rd.

Maybe you all could come to the airport and cheer me on when I come in for a landing! I can't wait to see all of you on the ground! Look for a big 747 with an orangutan face on the tail. Orangutan Airlines! Captain Snowflake in command! You all probably think I'm crazy, lol.

Verte

Hey buddy...whatever you have to do to get where you need to be.**








**Safety checks required. No crash landings.

Druwyd

Good luck with the landing! Is there a Plan B in case cross winds push the plane on to the shoulder of the runway and the landing gear sustains damage while the jet is still rolling? I ask as I just landed April 17 myself and the runway was icy.

snowflake74

Depending on the emergency at hand, Plan B may need to be to throttle up and circle around for another attempt at landing. If work is threatened, I can't crash. It's just not an option. But this plane will be on the ground one way or another, and hopefully on May 23rd.

Solar

I noticed this is your third emergency landing in the past half-year. Is your plane going to take to the skies again after May is over, or do you have any solid plans in place to keep the aircraft on the ground once she's in the hangar?

snowflake74

Fair question. I'm not sure my answer is that great. I have this site now. I didn't have that before. Feeling a lot of turbulence this morning.

OpioPhobe

Snowflake - it is good that you have it all planned out and are sticking with it. My best laid plans got swept away with the first wave of withdrawal. For what it is worth, you may consider bumping up your schedule by a day. I was able to work through the first day without too much trouble if I dosed late on the prior night. It didn't start getting bad until later in the day / night of the first day. That would allow you to have days 2 - 5 off rather than 1 - 4.

Also, it isn't impossible to work through withdrawal. Sometimes working can help because it keeps your mind off of it anyway. Withdrawal is 'uncomfortable' (I think that is the term the doctors like to use about it - ha) whether you are at home or at work. Days 3 - 4 (cold turkey) were really the only days where I would not have physically been able to work.

If you check out the sub / methadone forum you can see one guy that worked through methadone withdrawal. I think he took one week off, but even week two coming off methadone is brutal. He was working in a physically demanding job too. If you have to interact with a lot of people face to face throughout the day that may change the situation.

When you 'crash landed' in February what were the worst parts of the withdrawal that caused you to give up? Do you have a plan to ameliorate those symptoms this go around?

snowflake74

I get your point... make my sober date the day before my 4-day weekend, to maximize the time the withdrawal will actually hit me. Great idea. The last time though, I found because my daily dose was so low in the days prior to the sober date, that I didn't really feel horrible withdrawals on my sober date - they were more in the time period that I'm still in now, in this go-around... and it's bad. Today was a bad day for me. I did not stick to my plan today. Unfortunately my job does involve a lot of interaction with people. I can work though a lot, but sometimes I'll start sweating profusely out of the blue - that's an example of a symptom that makes me updose. Basically if I think I look like a person withdrawing from drugs at work, I'll want to updose, lol.

To answer your other question, when I crash landed in February, it wasn't the withdrawal that made me give up. I was totally clean for 5 days, and not experiencing any withdrawal (at least what I believe was withdrawal). I just had a moment when I was feeling a little crumby from my baseline problem of neuropathy and starting thinking about how a pill would make it all go away. In not very much time I was putting in for a refill and picked it up and got back on. I know somewhere in there was that classic addict line we tell ourselves "I'll just take one... that's it." And then it became "Well I'm back on, but this time I'm going to keep it low... like one a day." Yeah that didn't last even through the first day.

I'm very worried that is going to happen again. I do have this site this time, which I didn't have before.

snowflake74

I have a good update. After I finished typing my last reply to opiophobe, and thinking about the bad day I had today, I came to the conclusion that I am indeed depressed and for the first time in 20 years am ready to try an anti-depressant again. I have been depressed for years - I just was so resistant to the idea of meds because 20 years ago I became psychotic when coming off of the only anti-depressant I ever tried, which is one that is not even heard of these days... Serzone.

But when thinking about my two "crash landings" and my current struggle with my taper, and what needs to be different this time around, I realize I take a pill in part because I'm having trouble coping with life. I think if I was on an anti-depressant I'd be more likely to get and stay clean.

I've left a message for my psychiatrist (who has now only historically been treating me for anxiety) to make an appt. to see him to get on an anti-depressant. Hopefully if I get started on one next week it will start kicking in around the time I'm coming in for landing on final approach.

Adnamaeel

I think that's a good idea, and it hope it helps.

Druwyd

Good idea Snow, more options should be a good thing.

Verte

Sounds like you are committed to setting yourself up for success!

I highly suggest coming up with a short-term and long-term plan with your Doc (or at the very least, in your head) - for managing both the anxiety and the depression.

Keep follow-up appts. close together & know if you can call a Doc 24hours a day if you have questions...do not plan to go through any med changes alone I suppose is what I am suggesting.

Do you feel like you can you be honest with your Psychiatrist about wanting to be off of opioids?

Druwyd

Gritting my teeth and choosing to be honest with my doctor(s) was a very hard, but extremely important step for me. Until I did so, I really was not committing myself, 100 percent, to shaking the opiates. I was leaving myself a back door to run back through in case I flamed out. Twas a scary-boo thing to do but by the same token it was a weight off my mind. Food for thought.

Coldfusion

Thursday, May 22, is a "Best Day" of the month to quit, according to the cycle of the moon. The other "Best Day" is the 26th, but that's the day before you have to go back to work.

But let's just say that the weather forecast is good--you're heading for the runway in the right direction according to the wind.