AlcoholFree66

My husband likes to drink and would like to drink 4/5 nights per week. He is not an alcoholic. But it is hard for me and it has been a problem throughout our marriage over the last decade where I've had long periods of sobriety. Drinking with my husband is always the excuse I use when I pick up again. Of course I know that I drink very differently to him e.g hiding, sneaking more etc. I'd love advice if others have had a similar situation.

Gottalife

When I stopped drinking my family offered to remove all alcohol from the house and not drink themselves.

While that was very kind and supportive of them, I declined their offer because my drinking was my problem and it was my behaviour that had to change, not theirs.

My drinking was not caused by anyone elses drinking, and my recovery was not brought about by changing someone elses behaviour.

Having said that, when I was living in a flat situation, while I did not object to my flatmates having a drink, I have never tolerated alcoholic drinking and behaviour.

EternalNow

I sympathize with you completely. My wife sips whiskey everyday. She doesn't get sloppy or drunk, at least not visibly, except once in a while. I have been sober for 1 1/2 years and have struggled with alcohol for 25 years with many relapses. I have been with her all along. It is starting to bother me and gets my AV (addictive voice) going. I have not asked her to stop though. I am wondering what to do as you are. I want to be with her but she is always under the influence of alcohol and I'm not. We have been married a long time and we are not spring chickens. Sorry to hijack your question with my own but you hit a nerve.

Dee74

A lot of people here have to deal with drinking spouses AF. I've no doubt it makes things more challenging but it need not be a deal breaker.

in essence all of us have to learn to be ok with being around drinkers. They're the 'normies'.

Find sober support and use it - you're not alone

D

EternalNow

Could you explain what AF means?

Dee74

OP's user name: AlcoholFree.

D

EternalNow

No Need, I figured it out. DUH!! Thank You.

Dee74

'sall good

D

AlcoholFree66

Hi Eternalnow - yes it is a tricky one! We've been married twenty years and this is no new problem!

DeanHV

I have the same situation at home. I'm still pretty new at sobriety so sorry I have nothing really to contribute. I just deal with it and part of dealing with it is an attitude that is almost like a 'I'm gonna stay sober despite of you'. Probably the wrong tactic in the long term but that's where I am now.

Dee74

Have you talked to your husband about this AF?

D

ChickChick

My husband and I have been talking about this. He to drinks 3-4 nights a week. We have decided for now it is okay with me if he only has enough for him to consume in a night. So he's been buying a 6 pack and if he doesn't finish it I pour the others out. Yes it is wasteful but if it is just laying around it bothers me. The cost is worth it to me to have it out of my reach!

I don't know if something like that would work for you. Just throwing out my 2 cents.

Verte

"Have a beer"...my husband JUST suggested, I kid-you-not, after I told him that I have a raging headache.

Oh the horror!!

"Listen here you bleepity, bleep, bleep, bleep...", was my first impulse (I'm no angel ).

Instead I said, "Please do not suggest that ever again. Our lives depend on me not having a beer."

I'm on Day5, no alcohol, and thus far it has been really challenging (deep question - do not all of our lives depend on it?).

All of my drinking has been done when it was not in my best interests but that never stopped me before. Everyone and everything around me has been and continues to be enabling when I look or ask for it. The big difference is that I am no longer looking for reasons to drink.

He's an awesome, compassionate, smart guy (and human) and my sobriety is definitely not a new topic of discussion. Yet he still drinks and suggest (I do not think he will ever suggest again after receiving the daggers I spat from my eyes) that I do as well.

I am on Day5 of sobriety and taking everything one day at a time...including my relationship with my husband. That's definitely the best I can do and the very most I can think about.

So far, so good. Sober Recovery is a Godsend, for sure.

LadyBlue0527

I happened to luck out and although my husband is a normie he was so sickened by where alcohol had led my life he stopped about two weeks ahead of me. He has no intentions of quitting but I have to say that it made those early days a lot easier. I couldn't care less if he drank now.

AF, can you talk to your husband and ask if he can refrain just until you get some sober footing under you?

At the end of the day though we're the ones who have to change. A challenging part of that in the beginning is to be around people who drink.

I hope that you can talk to him and see if he can stop for a while.

AlcoholFree66

I have tried talking to my husband many times over the years (I have been sober 7.5 of the last 10 years - a 6 year one month stint, then back to drinking, then another year sober, then back to drinking, then 6 month sober and then the last year - until 15 days ago - I drank). We've had this conversation many times. I did express my frustration and that 'I felt like I give an inch and he takes a mile' - he said he appreciated what I was saying but.......My husband has so many great qualities but facing problems and having a short term memory aren't amongst them. But let's face it - I haven't been the perfect wife either. It can't be easy for him.

Thank you all for your support and advice.