Regrets
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 24
Regrets
Hi people.
THIS IS A BIG STORY - I AM SO SORRY.
I always feel bad venting to you guys about stuff, but I am going to have a look after I post this and try give advice to you about your problems too. I know you understand me.
So I've been on antidepressants since I was sexually assaulted, so around 2 years, and before my dose was upped on my meds I used to lash out drunk and do REALLY stupid stuff.
What I've found recently is when my boyfriend and I, Alex, changed slightly due to these anxieties and our own problems, we felt disconnected. I turned to drink more and had nights I'd wake up in the local police station, no money, make up all over my face etc. It was not pretty. This is partly why I have decided to stop drinking.
But recently guys... I have been feeling so guilty about my actions while drunk. I have been sober for a short time but am feeling positive - but I have been told by people I was with while drunk of my actions. One or two in particular, terrifies me.
I supposedly kissed some guys while on ecstasy and alcohol, but I have a boyfriend. This was when we were both not in it 100%, and I had some anxieties floating about since it was a hard time due to the court case. I was calling them all 'Alex', so I clearly thought they were my boyfriend. I have no recollection of this, other than lying in bed with one of them, his hands attempting to wander down my pants (sorry for crudeness) and me telling him to stop and he did. I then done this again, (just a kiss - I have only ever kissed someone else, never more) and I can't remember a second of it.
Now my boyfriend and I are looking to reconnect and build our relationship back to the strong, comfortable, stable relationship we had before. But this guilt is tearing me up.
People say alcohol is just an excuse, but I genuinely have no intention of cheating on Alex which is why I find it hard to believe this took place. But nonetheless, it may have done so - I just can't remember.
So um, please remember I'm only 21. And I hate hiding things from Alex, but I feel I need to vent. I've spoken to my parents and friends who have said, my mind is very mixed up just now, I have a problem with drink and I'm only 21, and after the court case and how it made me feel, and the disconnection from Alex, its understandable mistakes were made. But I don't know how to get over that. I just know I despise drink and what it makes me do.
Please help. I can't remember a thing and am been told things by other people. I would never choose to cheat on Alex, connected or happy or not. But the guilt is tearing me up. I know if he was to find out, he'd leave. And I need him more than anything right now.
Sorry for rambling. Love you guys.
THIS IS A BIG STORY - I AM SO SORRY.
I always feel bad venting to you guys about stuff, but I am going to have a look after I post this and try give advice to you about your problems too. I know you understand me.
So I've been on antidepressants since I was sexually assaulted, so around 2 years, and before my dose was upped on my meds I used to lash out drunk and do REALLY stupid stuff.
What I've found recently is when my boyfriend and I, Alex, changed slightly due to these anxieties and our own problems, we felt disconnected. I turned to drink more and had nights I'd wake up in the local police station, no money, make up all over my face etc. It was not pretty. This is partly why I have decided to stop drinking.
But recently guys... I have been feeling so guilty about my actions while drunk. I have been sober for a short time but am feeling positive - but I have been told by people I was with while drunk of my actions. One or two in particular, terrifies me.
I supposedly kissed some guys while on ecstasy and alcohol, but I have a boyfriend. This was when we were both not in it 100%, and I had some anxieties floating about since it was a hard time due to the court case. I was calling them all 'Alex', so I clearly thought they were my boyfriend. I have no recollection of this, other than lying in bed with one of them, his hands attempting to wander down my pants (sorry for crudeness) and me telling him to stop and he did. I then done this again, (just a kiss - I have only ever kissed someone else, never more) and I can't remember a second of it.
Now my boyfriend and I are looking to reconnect and build our relationship back to the strong, comfortable, stable relationship we had before. But this guilt is tearing me up.
People say alcohol is just an excuse, but I genuinely have no intention of cheating on Alex which is why I find it hard to believe this took place. But nonetheless, it may have done so - I just can't remember.
So um, please remember I'm only 21. And I hate hiding things from Alex, but I feel I need to vent. I've spoken to my parents and friends who have said, my mind is very mixed up just now, I have a problem with drink and I'm only 21, and after the court case and how it made me feel, and the disconnection from Alex, its understandable mistakes were made. But I don't know how to get over that. I just know I despise drink and what it makes me do.
Please help. I can't remember a thing and am been told things by other people. I would never choose to cheat on Alex, connected or happy or not. But the guilt is tearing me up. I know if he was to find out, he'd leave. And I need him more than anything right now.
Sorry for rambling. Love you guys.
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
Hi Bennevisgal, are you still sober? If so I would say you should sit down with Alex and tell him what you told us explaining to him you don't remember these events but you don't want to hide them.
That being said only you can decide because he may leave. I wish I could give you better advice. You will feel better not holding this in.
Good luck, others may have different advice.
That being said only you can decide because he may leave. I wish I could give you better advice. You will feel better not holding this in.
Good luck, others may have different advice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by ScrewdUpInDe 
Hi Bennevisgal, are you still sober? If so I would say you should sit down with Alex and tell him what you told us explaining to him you don't remember these events but you don't want to hide them.
That being said only you can decide because he may leave. I wish I could give you better advice. You will feel better not holding this in.
Good luck, others may have different advice.
That being said only you can decide because he may leave. I wish I could give you better advice. You will feel better not holding this in.
Good luck, others may have different advice.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
The important thing is your Sober and you or any of us don't have to go back to that place, the regret, the not remembering, the embarrassing stories from others, the guilt etc
We can choose to move forward and draw a huge line under how we used to be and how we want to move forward.
I know it's difficult to forget or not worry about these things, but remain Sober, concentrate on your relationship with Alex, and with time all the worries of things you did when drinking will drift into the your past and stop becoming the present!!
We can choose to move forward and draw a huge line under how we used to be and how we want to move forward.
I know it's difficult to forget or not worry about these things, but remain Sober, concentrate on your relationship with Alex, and with time all the worries of things you did when drinking will drift into the your past and stop becoming the present!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by purpleknight
The important thing is your Sober and you or any of us don't have to go back to that place, the regret, the not remembering, the embarrassing stories from others, the guilt etc
We can choose to move forward and draw a huge line under how we used to be and how we want to move forward.
I know it's difficult to forget or not worry about these things, but remain Sober, concentrate on your relationship with Alex, and with time all the worries of things you did when drinking will drift into the your past and stop becoming the present!!
We can choose to move forward and draw a huge line under how we used to be and how we want to move forward.
I know it's difficult to forget or not worry about these things, but remain Sober, concentrate on your relationship with Alex, and with time all the worries of things you did when drinking will drift into the your past and stop becoming the present!!
Thank you so much, god bless you and your own struggles.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I wouldn't confess to something I didn't remember. But that's just me.
When sober I remember everything. So at least I have that going for me.
When sober I remember everything. So at least I have that going for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by tanyapmc
I try to remember that the things I did while high or drunk is not who I am. I do not do those things sober.
Be gentle with yourself.
Be gentle with yourself.
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