Need advice about a friend/fellow alkie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 233
You know, none of it is really what it is. I really don't give a cr*p that my neighbor drinks. Only that I was trying to make him my "boyfriend," yet not someone I want to sleep with. Being overly judgmental because I have no one else.
And why I say that, it is true, you know. It isn't just HERE, it is everywhere. I really have NO ONE else, except him and my mother.
I am 44 years old, just got done reading a post about a girl who is 30 and why she is so distraught over being single. LOL. I have NEVER been married. If I was any more alone, I don't know how.
Did I mention I have NO FRIENDS, except him and my mother.
I have NO CHILDREN. It is like I am the freak of the world.
Yet ... be patient. I guess. Accept all this sh*t I cannot change. Or the people. Or whoever. This has been going on for seven years.
And before any of you say, "It is because you drink you have no friends, etc." NOT TRUE. When I was sober for seven years I had no friends either. Just the family. No girlfriends, no one to talk to, just the new boyfriend that I ACCEPTED (just like AA says you are supposed to) whether I liked him or not. Trying to change, but I don't know, I can't make anyone want to hang out with me either. Trying to not be judgmental, trying to have at least something.
So here I sit, angry and frustrated, age 44. No kids, just mom and the stupid neighbor. People not understanding why I am still single, after all this time, drunk or sober, and me not understanding it either.
It is so easy to say to "accept," when you get tired of waiting for your life to start. For at least an end to being a lonely person. At least someone in your life who loves you in some way, except, of course, dear mother.
What does this have to do with the neighbor guy? Even as a drunk, I HATE other drunks. I could be three sheets to the wind and I still don't want to be hanging out with them. Really. I hated my Dad as a drunk and I hate all of them too. Yet none of the "good, decent people," seem to accept me. Or maybe I am too afraid that they won't.
I want other choices. I want to not have a friend try to hook me up with a child molester (really), or go out with a guy who is missing teeth. I am better than that. I KNOW THAT I AM. Even drunk I am not THAT bad and I am tired of accepting (as I did with the ex-boyfriend) people for not living up to my standards. But there doesn't seem to be anyone else either.
So ... keep waiting. Keep reading posts about being 30. LOL. Or even people being single. At least you were married. At least you had kids. At least you had something.
I have the drunk neighbor and my mom. And that is all I have.
And why I say that, it is true, you know. It isn't just HERE, it is everywhere. I really have NO ONE else, except him and my mother.
I am 44 years old, just got done reading a post about a girl who is 30 and why she is so distraught over being single. LOL. I have NEVER been married. If I was any more alone, I don't know how.
Did I mention I have NO FRIENDS, except him and my mother.
I have NO CHILDREN. It is like I am the freak of the world.
Yet ... be patient. I guess. Accept all this sh*t I cannot change. Or the people. Or whoever. This has been going on for seven years.
And before any of you say, "It is because you drink you have no friends, etc." NOT TRUE. When I was sober for seven years I had no friends either. Just the family. No girlfriends, no one to talk to, just the new boyfriend that I ACCEPTED (just like AA says you are supposed to) whether I liked him or not. Trying to change, but I don't know, I can't make anyone want to hang out with me either. Trying to not be judgmental, trying to have at least something.
So here I sit, angry and frustrated, age 44. No kids, just mom and the stupid neighbor. People not understanding why I am still single, after all this time, drunk or sober, and me not understanding it either.
It is so easy to say to "accept," when you get tired of waiting for your life to start. For at least an end to being a lonely person. At least someone in your life who loves you in some way, except, of course, dear mother.
What does this have to do with the neighbor guy? Even as a drunk, I HATE other drunks. I could be three sheets to the wind and I still don't want to be hanging out with them. Really. I hated my Dad as a drunk and I hate all of them too. Yet none of the "good, decent people," seem to accept me. Or maybe I am too afraid that they won't.
I want other choices. I want to not have a friend try to hook me up with a child molester (really), or go out with a guy who is missing teeth. I am better than that. I KNOW THAT I AM. Even drunk I am not THAT bad and I am tired of accepting (as I did with the ex-boyfriend) people for not living up to my standards. But there doesn't seem to be anyone else either.
So ... keep waiting. Keep reading posts about being 30. LOL. Or even people being single. At least you were married. At least you had kids. At least you had something.
I have the drunk neighbor and my mom. And that is all I have.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Gibbons2 
And what is beyond that? I have no idea. Even being really, a drunk or sober. To me it is all the same. Keep hacking it out as a single, lonely person. What else is there?
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
Gibbons - I know that it seems impossible and that you have been trying for a long time to fill out your life with friends, significant others and possibly a family of your own. It is frustrating and certainly unpleasant when those are things you very much want in your life.
That said, the reality is it may or may not happen. Making peace and liking ourselves is part of the process. I have had tons of friends and family bless my life but once I got sober I had to figure out how to like ME. I mean the real, warts and all, me. I still don't have the answer but I'm trying. I drank to remember and I drank to forget and I drank to forget about life for a while - drinking never, ever showed me the real me. It made me into a version of me that was not who I knew I could and should be.
So I'm working on this right along with you. I can't say that life will magically become wonderful with sobriety because you and I both know that even after years sober life still sucks sometimes. It's good to vent it out here - and keep doing so - but work also to find yourself and LIKE yourself. It is easier said than done. I do believe that once that self love is true and real the rest starts to roll along with it.
I wish I had better advice but I'm not an expert. I'm just another sober alcoholic navigating my way too
that's why I love this place, we can get there together.
That said, the reality is it may or may not happen. Making peace and liking ourselves is part of the process. I have had tons of friends and family bless my life but once I got sober I had to figure out how to like ME. I mean the real, warts and all, me. I still don't have the answer but I'm trying. I drank to remember and I drank to forget and I drank to forget about life for a while - drinking never, ever showed me the real me. It made me into a version of me that was not who I knew I could and should be.
So I'm working on this right along with you. I can't say that life will magically become wonderful with sobriety because you and I both know that even after years sober life still sucks sometimes. It's good to vent it out here - and keep doing so - but work also to find yourself and LIKE yourself. It is easier said than done. I do believe that once that self love is true and real the rest starts to roll along with it.
I wish I had better advice but I'm not an expert. I'm just another sober alcoholic navigating my way too
that's why I love this place, we can get there together.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 233
What have I come here for? Well, help with getting sober I suppose. I just know from my past that I was sober for 7 years and I still didn't really have any friends. Shrug. Maybe I keep people at a distance and just don't see that about myself. I really have no idea.
I am smart, have my own business, I'm attractive, I'm nice to people. My only thought on this is sometimes I am so busy doing my "own thing" that I find it hard to fit other people into my life. It is hard for me to shrug off my responsibilities (cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, keeping up with the business, keeping up with what a boyfriend, if I have one at the time, wants to do, etc.) and make time for other people. There are just not enough hours in the day to have everything I want in life.
I am smart, have my own business, I'm attractive, I'm nice to people. My only thought on this is sometimes I am so busy doing my "own thing" that I find it hard to fit other people into my life. It is hard for me to shrug off my responsibilities (cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, keeping up with the business, keeping up with what a boyfriend, if I have one at the time, wants to do, etc.) and make time for other people. There are just not enough hours in the day to have everything I want in life.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Set boundaries and stick to them:
An example could be not to allow him in your house when he is intoxicated or not hanging out with him when he drinks.
When you plan an activity with him or visit him at his house, have an exit plan so if he starts drinking you are out.
Also a caveat, his alcoholism might progress to the point where the healthy thing for you is to go no contact. It does not mean you do not care for your friend but we have to remember to put our oxygen masks on first. Allowing yourself to be dragged down by your friend's alcoholism is not going to make him better but it could destroy you.
Good luck, it is tough and also devastating when we witness someone we care about destroy themselves. We are powerless over their alcoholism...we can't fix them and it is heartbreaking
An example could be not to allow him in your house when he is intoxicated or not hanging out with him when he drinks.
When you plan an activity with him or visit him at his house, have an exit plan so if he starts drinking you are out.
Also a caveat, his alcoholism might progress to the point where the healthy thing for you is to go no contact. It does not mean you do not care for your friend but we have to remember to put our oxygen masks on first. Allowing yourself to be dragged down by your friend's alcoholism is not going to make him better but it could destroy you.
Good luck, it is tough and also devastating when we witness someone we care about destroy themselves. We are powerless over their alcoholism...we can't fix them and it is heartbreaking
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