Anna

I think you (we) can't be 'normal' because alcohol causes major problem in our lives.

You do not owe anyone an explanation as to whether you drink or not. It's nobody's business but your own and anyone who asks is rude, plain and simple.

I hope that you are ready to begin recovering.

AnvilheadII

now you know there will ALWAYS be a situation where alcohol is present and you need to deal with it straight up. that's a crucial lesson! they aren't going to close down the pubs and bars, and clear the shelves at the 7-11 just because YOU don't drink. and unless we go live in a cave on a mountainside somewhere, we can't sanitize and eradicate alcohol completely.

i guess we could roll the tape back to where you were first IN the bar with the professor - was it necessary to BE there? if we are going to be in such settings it really helps to have our defense strategy in place FIRST. I.DON'T.DRINK. thanks.

Croissant

Hi Brendon. I think it's a normal part of any process of moving on, lamenting what could have been and what we think we are entitled to. Sorry if this is too deep...but I honestly feel that that journey of choosing sobriety does involve some mourning time, of both the good and bad things. That is difficult.

Sometimes, a memory comes from nowhere, a happy drinking memory and I want to be that person who could drink normally. The door has shut on that time. It just has.

Denial I had a problem that needed to be addressed urgently and seriously lost me at least 7 years, a wonderful relationship and probably a million other things I will never know.

Over time, Brendon, this thing called alcoholism changes the ratio of good times to bad.....and by that time, the pieces can be so shattered and broken, it's hard to know where to start to piece them all together.

Your post struck a chord with me about normal. My favourite saying in early sobriety was "sober is the new normal". It can be fantastic. Give it time, work through understanding how to deal with the situations that trick you into thinking you can drink. It can be done.

Good luck. Stick around. We all want you to win!

tomthern

I say I don't drink and if they ask I just say I'm driving or I just don't want to. It does work.

Wastinglife

You don't have to say you are an alcoholic. Just say you don't drink. I know a lot of people that don't drink for religious reasons, health, or just personal preference. I lost a career and everything else as a drinker so now I just don't drink period.

MattyBoy

I think many people in this forum underestimate the difficulty of social pressure when it comes to drinking. Just saying no thanks can actually be extremely awkward and uncomfortable in some situations especially if someone has already brought and paid for your beer and slapped it on the table in front of you. In future, you have to take charge. Buy your non alcoholic drink straight away so there's no chance of being brought another.

Of course I agree that no one needs to give an essay about why they're not drinking but saying no thanks often isn't enough unfortunately.. Say you're not feeling well/have to be up early in the morning/alcohol messes with your stomach/ doctors orders/ weight control etc etc.

Hope you get strong enough to do this in the future and I'm sorry you feel you have to start over on day 1. I guess it's a lesson learnt ey?

Dee74

Maybe it's an age thing Matty but no thanks has always been enough for me.

I'm just too old and ornery to be pressured into something I don't want to do.

I'm not hanging around in bars or with people who knew me as a drinker either.

D

Berrybean

You know, I had a bit of a panic about my boss / Head Teacher finding out (something that was said in the AA rooms) and, knowing what she's like - i.e. a very strong character who prefers people to tell her themselves if they've ****ed up - I made the decision to tell her as I didn't want to start this new phase of my life feeling that someone could hold it over me as a threat (as almost happened to someone else).

I decided that if she got difficult about it, at least I could be expecting the fallout and know what caused it (rather than if someone went to her to tell her about her alcoholic teacher, I might not even know!)

I managed to find the strength to sit with her in her office and explain that I have realised I have a problem with alcohol, and have started going to AA. I also explained that I love my job and don't want to let her or the pupils down, and that I sure that at times I have not been at my most productive, patient or creative because of my drinking. I promised her that I'm committed to turning that (and other areas of my life) around so that I can be the best me possible through sobriety.

Anyway, she cried a little, asked advise for 'a friend', said she understood more that I could know (?!), hugged me, and told me that if she can do anything to help, please let her know, and to come for a chat any time. She said she is proud of me and that she feels lucky to have me on her staff, and flattered I felt able to trust her.

Alcoholism is an illness. If you are (genuinely) trying to fight it then no boss worth working for should (once they've been given a little info and insight) hold it against you. Of course, if she had thought I was making excused for shoddy work and not telling her what I'm doing to try to put things right it could have been a very different meeting!

Croissant

I disagree. If that was the case, no one would get sober.

And yes, I've rejected drinks that have been bought and paid for. There's always someone happy to drink it.

There are always many other options than saying yes to a drink.

Aellyce

Brendon, I had the same dilemma in the beginning, did not know how to deal with the work related drinking. I still most often avoid situations where there is alcohol involved, but we can't always do that so it's better to learn to deal with being a non-drinker in social situations and face it head on, in my opinion. There is no way anyone would harm their career with not drinking and I feel it's actually more polite to say "no, thanks" than refusing to go to certain events especially when we are interacting with our superiors.

whatcouldbe

I am in only on day three myself but I have to say I admire your restraint! It had to have been hard not to keep going. My hope is you learned something and that you continue on your journey. There is a lot of good advice here that I have found, you can do this!

Notimetoloose

BrendonM
The social pressures to have a drink can be enormous and it really is necessary to practice responses early on to keep you a step ahead of your AV.
The way that alcohol is used every day as a social lubricant is great if you can have one or two and stop there.

In the past I have done what you have done and had one and got away with just one, patted myself on the back and unfortunately that opened the door for me to think that I could do it again...and we know what happens then.

choublak

If another person chooses to spend their money on a beer for you, who's problem is that?

You could always give it to someone else.

Aside from which, if it has gotten to the point where you need to buy a non-alcoholic drink "straight away", maybe it's time to stop hanging out in bars.

MattyBoy

I think Dee hit the nail on the head. It's an age thing more than anything else. When you're in your 30s/40s and beyond its much easier to decline a drink.

When you're 20 like me and live in the UK it's much harder. It's almost unheard of to be a 20 year old male in the Uk and not drink anything at all. Of course a lot won't binge drink, but nearly all will have the odd glass or pint of beer here and there and leave it at that - that of course is not an option for me.

Sorry for sounding whatever, but it is very frustrating being in my position - an alcoholic 20 year old in the UK who cannot take even a sip and that's why the social pressure question hits close to home for me and it can be frustrating when people minimalise the problem..

I guess that's something I'll have to work on myself .

Carlotta

Whoa, you sound just like me LOL Time to switch your avatar to Grumpy cat maybe?

Seanfox

It is a difficult one. Refusing a drink in the UK when in your 20's can cause annoying follow up questions and people can't seem to let it go, I really don't get it... If you turn down a drink that should be the end of it, it's not like the person offering you the drink has to stop drinking. It doesn't affect them whatsoever yet the keep on at you and sometimes I'd get so frustrated I'd just go home.

Berrybean

I'm older, but am well known for my drinking, so stopping has caused lots of comments, including a pub landlord 'friend'(??!!) telling me that I should 'get a life'. I took someone's advice on here. I just ask for my AF drink. If they press me on it I ask "Does it bother you that I'm not drinking alcohol?" (with a relaxed smile - not in a confrontational way at all). If they say "No", I say, "well that's okay then" - if it's a yes, then I ask "Why's that?"

It's been the first time I ever understood and managed that internal "What you think of me is none of my business" thing, and it felt really empowering yet conflict-free. No anger. No hassle. Just a simple redirection of their focus.

The other way would be to invent a medication that you're on that means you can't drink. Not honest as such, but if it keeps you sober it may be worth it. For a while at least. Or some training regime, or sponsored sobriety for charity?

bucolic

Brendon if they bought you a handful of pills and said "Here just take these sport." would you have any problem telling them no? More than likely you would tell them "Are you freakin crazy? Get that crap away from me."

I passed the point awhile ago of feeling pressured and ashamed that I couldn't drink. Just remember saying no makes you 100 times the person of those that bust your chops because you don't. Personally I have no problem telling people I can't handle alcohol and don't know when to stop so I quit all together. 99% of the time they go "Good for you man. Wish I could." The idiot that wants to keep pushing you to drink just wants to bring you down to their level so they can feel better about themselves. Screw em.

Hang in there, you got this, and after awhile that embarrassment will turn to anger and that's a sign that your that much further away from drinking again.

choublak

It seems that way, doesn't it? The only thing I can say is, maybe try to find some young people in AA to hang out with, and remember that "this too shall pass".