DeanHV

Just what the title says. I know that there is no one answer to such a dilemma but anyone with insight? During my heavy drinking days, only 58 days ago, I put my wife through a lot so I think that I should cut her some slack. Since beginning my journey into recovery, I have not asked her to stop nor do I think that I ever will. Does it bother me? Well, sometimes it does. Something inside of me tells me that if I have to ask then any action would not be sincere anyway. So, I go to my meetings and she goes to the bar that we used to go both together and separately. Perhaps I should ask my higher power in my daily prayers to remove this issue from me....sort of like the application of the Serenity Prayer. Any insights would be welcome....
Thanks,
Dean

Raider

Dean, I don't see a question in there.....

DeanHV

Ok, to be brief, should I be bothered by it or let it go? Or related, is it normal for a recovering alcoholic to have such a situation bother them?

LBrain

Does she want you to stop drinking?

DeanHV

Excellent question. She probably would want me to be able to drink in safety but I can't so given the available choices, she would choose sobriety over chronic alcohol abuse.

jimmydean

Best thing for you to do is focus on yourself. Keep going to your meetings, doing the hard work and taking one day at a time. She will change once she starts seeing positive results in your life... hopefully! Stay strong!!

Raider

Does it bother you she drinks? And why?

13unluckyforsom

Personally I find it hard to be around alcohol. I understand that I can't expect everyone to become t-total just because I don't have an off switch.

My willpower has wavered when I've been in a situation where alcohol is involved before so I think it boils down to how strong you feel in your choice and in your sobriety.

I think in an ideal world it would be helpful if our significant others abstained for a while until we felt secure in our footing but that's not always going to happen and nor is it a fair expectation.

LBrain

I think it is an absolutely fair expectation for a spouse to not drink.
my next question was going to be Does she love you...

13unluckyforsom

I guess it depends on the length of the relationship - this guy's obviously married and probably for a while. Where as me starting a relationship 6months ago and expecting the other person not to drink didn't seem very reasonable or acceptable to ask.

GotGrace

Should it bother you? If it bothers you, it bothers you. Don't get tangled up in trying to tell yourself what should or shouldn't bother you. That rarely works, in my experience!

My situation, for what it's worth: my husband still drinks and I think he has a problem with drinking, but there is not a heck of a lot I can do about that. I cannot change him, but I can change me. So that is what I have done.

Does it bother me? Sometimes. He does not drink to excess when I am around, but I sometimes remove myself from his company when I know he is not going to stop anytime soon. Sometimes when I am having a bad day and he has a few drinks I feel jealous or frustrated. But I never regret not drinking the next day when he looks crappy and needs a nap, lol!

His drinking has reduced since I stopped, and for that I am thankful. And I told him from the start that I was quitting alcohol, so I was accountable to him, and his opinion is important to me.

I hope you will be able to find some peace. Congratulations on all the great progress you are making. You should be proud!

Ruby2

My husband and I are both alcoholics. We were both sober when he relapsed and then I freaked out and relapsed myself. After a couple of months I got sober again. It was really hard at first and I ended up kicking him out of the house because he was out of control. He sobered up and we are back together. Our marriage will not survive if either one of us is drinking and we accept that to be the case so it isn't an issue. However, my mother in law, with whom I would drink, still is drinking and I get angry with that. It is somehow harder for me to accept that it is okay for her to continue drinking and I can't. Is it reasonable or rational for me to be angry that she can and I can't? No. She is a grown woman and can do what she likes. I have to let that go because it jeopardizes my sobriety by putting bad ideas in my head like it is okay for me. And I don't even like my mother in law very much. Drinking with her made her more tolerable to be around.

I guess my point would be that if it is impacting your ability to stay sober then you will need to make choices. Whether to let it bother you or not. Like whether or not you will resent her continuing to drink at some point. Relationships do change when one person gets sober and a lot of adjustments need to be made along th way. With 58 days sober (good job by the way) you are still new and dealing with your own stuff. Focus on your recovery, find support here and in real life. Find some mutual activity for socializing that doesn't involve alcohol. It can be done. Good luck.

anykey

Make it abit harder.

Get rid of the booze. If you have a booze cart with all the accessories toss it in the garbage.

Marcher13

Dean you don't indicate if your wife has a problem herself with alcohol. My husband doesn't, he can enjoy a light beer and rarely has even a second, I'm glad he enjoys the relaxation and it's not an issue for me when he has a beer with his evening meal -- he doesn't go out to have it.

Are you perhaps missing your wife's companionship when she goes to the bar? If so, what about telling her that and making some suggestions for how the two of you might spend time together -- go to a movie or get out a dvd, take your dinner out for a picnic, get in or make some pizza and so on.

If she enjoys a drink or two at the bar could you suggest you'll have dinner ready at a certain time, then you can sit down and eat together?

Verte

This is a question I have been contemplating awhile for myself.

My husband and I have been together in life for a long time and married for over a decade. Our emotional paths and responses to life in general have been and continue to be so different.

This (I think) contributes to the question of why either of us drink at all. I started abusing alcohol regularly over the past year and have decided that if I want all the fulfilling things I want, can achieve and deserve in this lifetime then I cannot drink.

My husband is in a different place emotionally. If it is not a significant part of his life then I would think that not drinking (as I take each day one by one) would not be a big deal. But we are on different paths with this. He does not feel the need to change this part of his/our life at this particular time like I do.

I am only on day one with my personal journey, but I feel like the answers regarding our relationship will come if I remain honest with myself and keep the importance of sobriety in mind.

Not sure if this helps you in any way. But it sure helped me to write it out. Thanks!

AlcoholFree66

Hi DeanHV - I really can relate - this has been an issue for my husband and I since I originally got sober nearly 11 years ago. I have always fought with the thoughts "why should he stop - it is my problem" BUT I will never be able to be near/intimate with him when he's been drinking because I can't bear the smell.

I was sober for over 6 years then picked up a drink after a tragic event - I have had sober periods during the last 4.5 years - one year and one 6 month period. I don't think my husband really wanted to accept that I couldn't control my drinking until very recently. Over the years it has become much clearer to me that although he enjoys a drink he is definitely not an alcoholic. It has been a double edged sword for me in recent years because after a period of sobriety I would say to him 'look I can give it up if I like - I can't really be an alcoholic - I've learnt so much - I will control it now". But of course when I start drinking again the deception and hiding start from day 1.

This is Day 11 sober for me. It got to the point that I knew I would lose my teenage children and my marriage. I had never really thought before I would lose my marriage. My husband is being very respectful at the moment and not drinking at home. In time that won't bother me as much. Maybe this time he will be less inclined to drink with he is with me at home and we can just enjoy everyday life together without alcohol. Sorry I'm rambling ...

I just wanted you to know - I can totally appreciate your quandary!

LoftyIdeals

I can relate to so many of these stories and concerns. A drinking spouse can be an enabler to return to drinking. Thats been my experience. And probably my biggest struggle in remaining sober. Ultimately, for me, the marriage has won, which means the sobriety has lost. This despite the fact that everyone in the house knows I need to stop when I am drinking...but how quickly we all forget when I am not. I think its human nature. I have to be the one to remember, and to be strong, and to decide to be a non-drinker. And that can present dilemmas on occasion. Like the ones mentioned above. It may mean I have to get out on my own in those instances...to a movie, the library or park, etc.

Today is day 5 for me. My wife was out of town overnight last night, and I had a very peaceful, relaxing evening, but then I tossed and turned and awoke all night because she wasnt by my side. Can't live with 'em...you know the rest.

FeelingGreat

Hi Dean. I don't think you have the right to ask your spouse to stop drinking because you have. I would have been very resentful if it had happened to me.
Where you go from here depends on how much her drinking bothers you or threatens your sobriety. You've obviously got to the point where YOU were ready, and have done so despite her. But sober people often see aspects of drinkers they missed when they were under the influence, and that may be an another issue.
If your marriage is important to you, consider discussing everything with her and getting her POV.

phoebe64

I do not have an answer for oyu. My spouse drinks and it makes it much harder for me to be sober. Period. He drinks too much, IMO, as well, but similar to Grace, I can only change me.

I am taking it slowly, and hope if I stay sober for a long period, forever, that he will come around or at least reduce his drinking. Or, I will just deal with it another time. Right now, I just need to focus on my own sobriety and well-being.

RazaR

11 days now for me... My wife still drinks as much as I did and to me, that's her problem. At least until she makes it my problem. Right now and for the foreseeable future I'm focusing on myself and our kids. Though I may be the king of my castle I don't feel I have the right to tell/ask her to stop or cut back until I have a good reason to. Even then, she has to want to stop or nothing I say will matter. It is my hope (not an expectation) that in the process of getting myself right she will take notice and become more self aware of her drinking.

Only time will tell and this could have many different outcomes and I need to prepare myself for all of them. I just need to be patient and see how this plays out.