Boyfriend in REHAB PLEASE i need advice
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Boyfriend in REHAB PLEASE i need advice
i dated my boyfriend for over 2 years, when i first met him he was very honest and open about his addiction for the last 8 years of heroin but that he went away for 9 months to a religious rehab mission and was ok now, however he was on suboxene, i dont judge and i never thought i would fall for him but it happened, he has a great job for the union, treated me great, we got along on every level and had so many things in common.
this past summer in august we were out one night and ran into an "old user" friend who was wacky from my point of view. i told my bf to to stay away from him but they live in the same area and winded up running into eachother. i noticed a change in my bf and after much thought i told him i needed a break. my bf and this friend started hanging out on a normal basis but the friend was "all cleaned up" now ... didnt believe. my bf n i never stopped seeing eachother or dating for that matter but i knew in my gut someone was wrong. in october he finally got honest and told me he was using coke on the weekends, i told his older sister bc i was really worried at this point it got alot worse after he confessed, he was hit with an intervention from his family and he said he would clean his act up and take random drug tests. we still were seeing eachother, the holidays and then both our birthdays, valentines day.
fast forward to end of march of this year i noticed another huge change again i then told him i needed to be left alone no contact, the drugs were just to much, he was prescribed subutex and xanax at this point, selling extras he had, helping other people he would say that needed it. about 2 weeks later he called me n realized what he he lost ... me... and confessed he was on a smoking crack binge for a few weeks. . i told him to get help like ive been doing for past 6 months telling him. i told him he gets help ill support him anyway but if not i cant be apart of his life. he agreed but would keep "messing" up every few days.
easter sunday he was doped out and his family realized how skinny he was, (his parents are divorced) he called me HYSTERICAl these phone calls were crazy about his family is sending him back to the mission i have had crazy phone calls from him but these were crazy, about 10 of them. i reached out to his mom, brother and sister, his mother is crazy she told me he does not have his phone, wallet or keys and she wld let me know what happens to him that he was detoxing and they were trying to get county funding,, his brother let me know things and my bf or ex u could say now called me 2 days later and just was soo drained, messed up, sad... then on friday the funding came through and he went to a rehab place and is going to detox for a week. he called me numerous timed again to say goodbye all sad and crazy and how much he loves me n how sorry he is. bla bla bla.. n i havent heard from him since --its been 4 days i know i sound selfish im tryng to cope and understand and get through this, ive nver done drugs or had any relationship go through this having someone in rehab right now.. thank you everyhone
please help me
this past summer in august we were out one night and ran into an "old user" friend who was wacky from my point of view. i told my bf to to stay away from him but they live in the same area and winded up running into eachother. i noticed a change in my bf and after much thought i told him i needed a break. my bf and this friend started hanging out on a normal basis but the friend was "all cleaned up" now ... didnt believe. my bf n i never stopped seeing eachother or dating for that matter but i knew in my gut someone was wrong. in october he finally got honest and told me he was using coke on the weekends, i told his older sister bc i was really worried at this point it got alot worse after he confessed, he was hit with an intervention from his family and he said he would clean his act up and take random drug tests. we still were seeing eachother, the holidays and then both our birthdays, valentines day.
fast forward to end of march of this year i noticed another huge change again i then told him i needed to be left alone no contact, the drugs were just to much, he was prescribed subutex and xanax at this point, selling extras he had, helping other people he would say that needed it. about 2 weeks later he called me n realized what he he lost ... me... and confessed he was on a smoking crack binge for a few weeks. . i told him to get help like ive been doing for past 6 months telling him. i told him he gets help ill support him anyway but if not i cant be apart of his life. he agreed but would keep "messing" up every few days.
easter sunday he was doped out and his family realized how skinny he was, (his parents are divorced) he called me HYSTERICAl these phone calls were crazy about his family is sending him back to the mission i have had crazy phone calls from him but these were crazy, about 10 of them. i reached out to his mom, brother and sister, his mother is crazy she told me he does not have his phone, wallet or keys and she wld let me know what happens to him that he was detoxing and they were trying to get county funding,, his brother let me know things and my bf or ex u could say now called me 2 days later and just was soo drained, messed up, sad... then on friday the funding came through and he went to a rehab place and is going to detox for a week. he called me numerous timed again to say goodbye all sad and crazy and how much he loves me n how sorry he is. bla bla bla.. n i havent heard from him since --its been 4 days i know i sound selfish im tryng to cope and understand and get through this, ive nver done drugs or had any relationship go through this having someone in rehab right now.. thank you everyhone
please help me
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
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Welcome to the Forum!! 
The best thing for your boyfriend now is to concentrate on dealing with his addictions, it'll be tough not knowing what's happening, but letting him go for a week to detox is the best thing for him. Surrendering to that is difficult but without him sorting out his addictions, your relationship may always be affected by his addictions, so it's a good thing that he is getting the help he needs, and then see where things are on the other side!!
Stay strong!! You'll find loads of support here on SR!!
The best thing for your boyfriend now is to concentrate on dealing with his addictions, it'll be tough not knowing what's happening, but letting him go for a week to detox is the best thing for him. Surrendering to that is difficult but without him sorting out his addictions, your relationship may always be affected by his addictions, so it's a good thing that he is getting the help he needs, and then see where things are on the other side!!
Stay strong!! You'll find loads of support here on SR!!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Even though you say you love him, do you really believe he loves you?
It takes two in any relationship. If one of them are abusing substances, they aren't really available for a healthy relationship.
I would use this opportunity to cut and run. I know you're in pain, and I feel for you, but how much more pain are you willing to bear? He is going to be wrapped up in trying to become sober for a very long time. He's not available. Find someone who is.
It takes two in any relationship. If one of them are abusing substances, they aren't really available for a healthy relationship.
I would use this opportunity to cut and run. I know you're in pain, and I feel for you, but how much more pain are you willing to bear? He is going to be wrapped up in trying to become sober for a very long time. He's not available. Find someone who is.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
sorry to hear about your problem. be aware that while in detox at a rehab he most likely has no contact with the outside world for a few days. I wasn't allowed to use 'the' phone for five days. his every move is monitored, he can't just pick up a phone or anything like that. and when he earns phone privileges it only is at certain times for 10 minutes. he'll have to wait in line to use the pay phone. That's how it works around here. give him some time to come around. but also know that he may not want to talk to or see anyone while he is in rehab. it happens, it's nothing personal, when he comes out of detox he will be going through a lot of emotional trauma. he may feel embarrassed or otherwise deflated, give him some time, talk to the family. write him a letter. good luck
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: philadelphia
Posts: 17
thank you i have questions though
thank you so much i understand, this is really killing me not knowing i get what ur saying, i really aprreciate it but im jst really upset what happens during detox in a rehab ??? its just like he took me to crazy extremes in the past week and it just hurts that while hes dealing with his addictions im just playing the guessing game-- and i mean that in the nicest way possible
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
even (if)
Originally Posted by dollbaby115 
on friday the funding came through and he went to a rehab place and is going to detox for a week
it may be a long bumpy road to recovery
you need to figure out exactly what you want out of your life ?
wait for him and not know for sure what the future will bring ?
or move on and in proper time look for a healthy one ?
MM
let's hope and pray that he is one of the chosen ones
because the odds (at this time) are against you and him
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: NJ
Posts: 60
Doll,
First of all, YOU WILL BE OK. Second of all, he is in a rehab so you know that HE WILL BE OK. Realize that, take a deep breath, and step back and analyze the situation from a broad perspective. You and his family have done all they can to help him. I've been in his boat before and I can tell you that sadly, nothing will change for him until he wants it to. Even if that means losing you and his own family. I lost mind after several times of taking them for granted and going behind their backs and lying to them. Over the last several years, I figured out anyway to maintain using on a semi-regular basis while functioning in society. This worked out great until recently. Last month I OD'd as I got some really strong stuff and did the normal amount I would do after a coke binge to come down easy. Well, I wound up passing out in my room alone, woke up the next day to my roomate be his girlfriend saying I woke up several times that night running to the bathroom puking, and that they heard me making weird noises in my sleep and almost came in to see if I was alright. Little did they know I was ODing right in the next room. Well that wasn't enough. I took about a 2 week break, decided I was ok and used some more. Well this last Sunday I binged all weekend and forgot about my dad's birthday party. My sister picked me up, and as the drugs wore off, I started withdrawing for the first time in my life, right in front of my whole family. It's like the flu times a million. They had no idea, just thought I was really sick, and took me home. For whatever reason, laying in bed the rest of that Sunday, (sweating, puking, diarrhea, aches and pains, stomach pains, no appetite, etc) that was my last straw. I realized there is no way for me to be normal and use drugs at the same time and function. THAT day was my rock bottom. I've been withdrawing cold turkey for the last 3 days and it's only just starting to get better.
I guess the point I'm trying to make by telling you MY experience is that this "rock bottom" experience is something every recovering addict has to go through in order to make the turning point to get clean. Your boyfriend will only get clean when he hits rock bottom. How much he has to lose on the way down is up to him and his limits.
Please do not take this as a negative response. You have done more for him than any girlfriend I've ever had, especially having no drug experience (and please keep it that way!!). He is lucky to have you in his life. If you love him, keep checking up on him. If he comes out of rehab, see him but make it clear where you stand on his drug use and how it affects your relationship.
Be strong, and remember that this too shall pass. There will be an outcome one way or another. We are all here for support so come back whenever you need us!!
Much love and good vibes your way,
-Steve-
First of all, YOU WILL BE OK. Second of all, he is in a rehab so you know that HE WILL BE OK. Realize that, take a deep breath, and step back and analyze the situation from a broad perspective. You and his family have done all they can to help him. I've been in his boat before and I can tell you that sadly, nothing will change for him until he wants it to. Even if that means losing you and his own family. I lost mind after several times of taking them for granted and going behind their backs and lying to them. Over the last several years, I figured out anyway to maintain using on a semi-regular basis while functioning in society. This worked out great until recently. Last month I OD'd as I got some really strong stuff and did the normal amount I would do after a coke binge to come down easy. Well, I wound up passing out in my room alone, woke up the next day to my roomate be his girlfriend saying I woke up several times that night running to the bathroom puking, and that they heard me making weird noises in my sleep and almost came in to see if I was alright. Little did they know I was ODing right in the next room. Well that wasn't enough. I took about a 2 week break, decided I was ok and used some more. Well this last Sunday I binged all weekend and forgot about my dad's birthday party. My sister picked me up, and as the drugs wore off, I started withdrawing for the first time in my life, right in front of my whole family. It's like the flu times a million. They had no idea, just thought I was really sick, and took me home. For whatever reason, laying in bed the rest of that Sunday, (sweating, puking, diarrhea, aches and pains, stomach pains, no appetite, etc) that was my last straw. I realized there is no way for me to be normal and use drugs at the same time and function. THAT day was my rock bottom. I've been withdrawing cold turkey for the last 3 days and it's only just starting to get better.
I guess the point I'm trying to make by telling you MY experience is that this "rock bottom" experience is something every recovering addict has to go through in order to make the turning point to get clean. Your boyfriend will only get clean when he hits rock bottom. How much he has to lose on the way down is up to him and his limits.
Please do not take this as a negative response. You have done more for him than any girlfriend I've ever had, especially having no drug experience (and please keep it that way!!). He is lucky to have you in his life. If you love him, keep checking up on him. If he comes out of rehab, see him but make it clear where you stand on his drug use and how it affects your relationship.
Be strong, and remember that this too shall pass. There will be an outcome one way or another. We are all here for support so come back whenever you need us!!
Much love and good vibes your way,
-Steve-
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: philadelphia
Posts: 17
thank you so much everyone -- i sent him a box of stuff he might need and it arrived today i just feel so bad bc i dont know what hes thinking and he has been an emotional mess esp on friday he left me the saddest v/m ever bout how sorry and how hes hit rock bottom and how muhch he took me for granted and loves me its just been a real tough week
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
the good news
Originally Posted by dollbaby115
how sorry and how hes hit rock bottom and how muhch he took me for granted and loves me
possibly
leave him alone so as to seek what he needs to be seeking
tell him a time out would be for the best for the both of you
it seems that you both have major issues to work on
two hurting souls together never make a whole
not saying that some where down the road things may not change for the good
MM
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
I wouldn't worry too much, he's probably not sure what he's thinking at the moment either, I mean that in a constructive way as I remember from the days I was withdrawing off alcohol and I wasn't too sure what my emotions and feelings were, everything was all over the place for the first week, if not weeks.
So having a meaningful conversation is probably not possible for most recovering addicts at the start, so give him time, give him space and let him focus on dealing with his addictions.
So having a meaningful conversation is probably not possible for most recovering addicts at the start, so give him time, give him space and let him focus on dealing with his addictions.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Thank you all so much, i havent contacted him im just really new to all this addictiom talk,him actually being in a rehab, its so ewsy to step away yet i just genuinely care about him. Thank you all sp much. Ots really hard goimg through this esp bc hes at his lowest place since i met him. I really cant thank you all enough
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so now his brother told me last night that county funding only lasted him 5 days and hes going to pick him up today and hes probably going to be going to that religious mission -- is this bogus or what? and like it hurts and even gets me angry that i havent heard from or his family these last 5 days who promised to keep me posted one everything -- its just not right or fair that addicts do this to people -- like he made all these crazy phone calls saying how much he loved me, and took me granted and how sorry he is that im such a great person and how toxic he is and he doesnt deserve me and bla, bla and to let him just worry about himself everyone says they need their space and let them work on them well im sorry i feel this way its just not right. i rather of not known anything then be in this mess now. im sorry im really confused.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: NJ
Posts: 60
Just hang tough. We know that none of it makes sense or seems fair. It's might be for the best that you don't talk right now. If you know the address of the religious mission he is going to, see if you can write a letter and check in with him. I'm sure he is thinking of you throughout this process.
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