Aiko

I am so thirsty........
my lips are dry! I press my teeth!

I am taking anxiety pills+antidepress but I have to keep the dose!
Been all weekend away running around a SPA with a friend I did not want to be alone! Her boyfriend is all the time in Jail due to drugs so she understands!

I did not want to go in Rehab so a friend does not talk to me,
and been threaten to tell my family as last resort to bend my will!
But I choose to do it alone!
I still got some neurones awake!
What is the point to get into a private psychiatric unit
to control what I take If I come one in a week to work under pressure!

So I throw all the pills... I think............ God my head is thinking to search!!!

But I am sure I do not have Benzo or I would be shaking....
the sea high of pills by now!!!

Just got home and I am starting to get nervous again,
I can not keep on switching drugs and alcohol!
So I have been spending the weekend... my other vice shopping!
And I am back to cigarettes too, and I F+++++++ hate it!!!!!!!

I really hope I learned my lesson
I lost 3 good friends so far,
Is affecting work,
I do not know how the hell I work...
I got to manage money stoned...
and people are getting worried about me!
Still can keep the lid to my family!
I can confirm my dad is gone in the head................ my mum suffers!
and we do not know when he will die!!!!

I loose control completely now! I keep on telling myself that this is it!
I am finally accepting I am an alcoholic and and Addict!!!!
I have to be careful even with normal pills and mixing
as I end up with benzo bc that just does not get me stoned enough!

I went to 2nd NA Saturday after flushed the pills,
and they could see it in my face... Just a couple of hours awake!

But I still have not touched alcohol or pot since Jan!
my friend was smoking in front of me but I did not mind
I said smoke I do not mind... poor was not smoking bc of me!
Just tried not to look!!!!!!

But I feel different... this time round (againnnnnn),
I have to get through this week clean and sober! what ever happens!
I got a week free off work to get together!
I am going to do a list of things I postpone and FINISH SOMEEEEE!!!!

I was crying on Friday to the doc... I just do not know why I do it!!!
I have it all and am so fortunate!!!
But is not a Question of What you have or you do Not have!!!

And I saw the down in the Mediterranean this morning awake,
and I was missing it!!!

Big Kiss,
Aiko

Thepatman

Really sorry but reading your post I cannot make heads or tail if you are drinking or not or taking pills or not. Are you sober and taking a medication the doctor gave you, as prescribed?

Take care

Aiko

I am just taking medication from the drug centre....
and am trying to stick to the dose!

but I am not doing a thing for 3 days...!!!!

I just am a bit of a mess changing... one then another then change...
Sorry I can not keep track myself..............

Thepatman

It's perfectly normal to feel strange in the first few days.

Well done for not drinking 3 days! Just keep moving forward, baby steps is what works best.

SoberLeigh

Hi Aiko, glad to hear that you are taking positive steps; very courageous of you. 3 days is a great start.

If you are having detox issues that you think you cannot handle, please go back to the doctor or the ER.

I am not sure from your post - is your friend still with you?

jaynie04

Aiko…you sound so lovely and talented, and I know you have a huge heart.

I have watched you struggle since I have been here. Last fall you were convinced that your pilgrimage was going to be the deciding factor.

I would want you to tell me this if I was in your shoes….

I am worried about you. If I took your posts from last fall and put them into today's thread they would appear almost identical. It is hard watching you bashing your head against the wall. You are too talented and have too much going for you to stay stuck like this.

I can't suggest strongly enough that you consider rehab. I say this because I don't know if I could have gotten sober without a 30 break to reflect on how dangerous my substance abuse was.

You are combining a lot of things and have been since you have been on here. I was doing the same thing and at the end I THOUGHT I knew what I was doing, but, holy s**…it wasn't until later I realized just how far gone I was.

I don't want another year to slip by and have you still posting the same type of posts next spring. You need to do more.

You are approaching this from the backend…getting rid of pills, throwing out booze. That doesn't keep you sober. You need to approach this from the front end, fine dump the pills of course, but more importantly add things like support, meetings, therapists, rehab.

Whenever someone here posts a picture of themselves, like you did last month with your avatar, I feel much more connected. You are too precious, too lovely and too smart to keep going round like this anymore.

Aiko

NO my friend is angry and giving up on me!!!
they just do not understand how hard it is for me to throw the benzo away!
and do not do this, do not do that, do not drink....
They get tired of picking me up!!!
I do not blame them!!!

God Just got to the Hotel Reception... and asked if I wanted a champaign glass of welcome!!! and all along would you like a glass of Wine... NO THANKSSSSSSSSS!!!

Is accepting I can not do a thing and FULL STOP!!!
But I am lucky and have many people that love me even they do not know!!!
I can come to SR, and I can go to NA, and I can go occasionally to the drug centre!!!
So if I do not make it is because I am as THICK AS SUGAR!!!

But I am ok with the withdraw... I had a worse one... I lost my marbles...
this time I am medicated by a doc!!!
Just nervous and home alone... but OK!!!

Aiko

jaynie04 You are wright in all!!!

But now:
I accept what I am!!!
I know is Just NO ONE THING!!!
I am going to try to go to meetings etc...
Is affecting my life big time now...
If I continue like this I will end up job less,
and my family will find out!!!

I die if I take the happiness of my mum!!!
She lost my brother... and she got up!!!
She would be on my all day long NO way!!!

But the thing is I have done all my life all sorts...
I am trying so hard!
But I feel I am getting hold of it!!! I sound pathetic.........
If I fall again............ that would destroy all my confidence!

Thank you for your kind words, and I love your Ostrich

jdooner

Aiko my friend, the basic definition of addiction means that we go back to the substance or behavior that hurts us knowingly. We are powerless over the drug. If you had the power over it you would not be an addict. This also means we cannot do this alone, we need the help of others. I say this from the bottom of my heart, you need professional help. I know you want to try and hide this and herein is the problem. You say you accept who you are but then why not let the people who love you know. Do you think your mum wants to loose another child to addiction? Reach out before its too late.

Dee74

congrats on day three aiko

D

Hevyn

3 days is great Aiko. We all know how hard it is, but things will improve.

Aiko

My dearest and nearest jdooner!
No way!!!
I can do it!!!

I had an overdose at 19 and they found out!
But now they trust me and they do not have a clue!

If I can not make it this time I might have to say I am going on a long tryp!!! But i am worried they are not well!
My younger brother needs me!
I have to make it or break it!

You know i bump onto my younger brother when i was going to NA he asked... Where r u going? U want me to take u??? Nooo go to see a friend! I walk!

I am going to try harder!
my friend said if i get really bad i can call!
I am going to.go to NA when I can!
But it is in b####y diferent citys of the coast each day!

I need to do it and i am going to!
If not plan B Plan C... f#####
But i got more tools now!!!!
I understand the situation fully!

I am going tomorrow morning to read books to children in school with my mum... Is once a year!
She is so happy my little nephew is so excited about it!

What am I going to achive if i tell my family????
Worry them??? When they think i am fine!
Is my war I lost some battles but I will conquer!

Seriously i have anxiety now but it will go!
And then I know I can NOT DO A THING EVER!
I hope I will be strong enough!!!
But I am though and I know what I have to do promise!

Hope I won't let u all down or myself yet again!
Big Hug,
AIKO

SoberLeigh

How are you today, Aiko???

PurpleKnight

Keep pushing through Aiko!!

Aiko

Thank u for asking!

I did not sleep well!
Got up with anxiety and nervous!
took pills of the doc and i phoned him and
told him I did not go to rehab! Was surprised''''
I am going tomorrow morning to the drug centre!

i managed to go to read tales to little children for the Book Day! God i made up half of it, i find hard to read!

But the pills leave me sleepy and very tired!!!
Made a list of to do things!
And I started with coffee ;-)
I am not going to spend my time in the sofa!
I got to do things in life!
Life will not do them for me!
And I am stuck here so if i have to live
will make the most of it! Not drunk or drugged!
I been asked out but I do not feel like dating now at all!

But i do not know if i go tonight to NA
I am very tired and got to hit the road!
& started painting walls ;-)
Excuses not to go really.....

Hope i learned my lesson this time round :-S
Tk u all for ur support BIB HUG XXX

SoberLeigh

Hugs back to you, Aiko. Hope you sleep better tonight. Are you close enough to that beautiful Mediterrean Sea to take a walk along the beach today? You live in a beautiful part of the world; I was in Malaga and Marbella about this time two years ago.

Aiko

Tk soberleigh!
Glad u visit Marbella! i am very fortunate!
I used to run sea front but i can not now!
I do not like to walk rather running maybe soon I will go back to running I miss it tones!

I am going to go to NA maybe!
Is at 9;30 I could make it!
Big hug xxx

wackybunny

Hi Aiko, how are you doing now? Is it 4 days? Well done! It's 5:30pm in Canada so where you are it must be the middle of the night, hopefully you're having a good sleep.

SoberLeigh

Just checking in with you, Aiko. How are you today, my friend?

Dee74

Hope all is well Aiko

D