PeppyGirl

Good morning,

I am coming up to one year clean and sober. Much of the journey has been extremely positive and I am so glad to be where I am today.

My issue has been dealing with my spouse. He simply will not forgive me for what has happened. In truth I feel like he was much happier when I was actively drinking. At the time he was doing anything he could to get me into recovery; throwing out bottles, getting me to AA, looking into treatment, etc. Now that I am in active recovery he is completely angry and miserable.

I do have a sponsor and have worked the 12 steps. I have made my amends to my husband and sincerely asked for his forgiveness. We meet with our priest. We go to counseling. He attends Al-Anon. He definitely gets an A+ for effort! While I have continued to make improvements in my life over the past year my husband continues to get worse and worse.

As a last ditch effort he asked my sponsor and her husband to meet with us. In Al-Anon he has a sponsor who won't work the steps with him. It also came out that his al-anon meetings are more of a bitch fest about their Qualifier that it is about recovery and working the steps. My sponsor suggested that he find an AA to work the steps with if he can't find an Al-Anon who will. He seemed open to this and knows several AAs (transparency is super important for me in my recovery and I try to include him in any open events that I go to).

Has anyone else had this experience? Patience is not my strong suit but this past year, while wonderful in so many ways, has been extremely sad and lonely in this aspect. I had suggested a separation thinking that 6 months apart would be good for us (with the hope of reconciliation). He is adamantly opposed to this and our marriage counselor suggested that I have a but more sobriety before we take this step (understandable). In the meantime it has gotten extremely tense in the house. We really cannot stand each other. Sadly the person who I always thought was my biggest supporter seems to have turned against me in a sea of bitterness. All he wanted was for me to quit drinking and I have done that. Why is this happening? Is there any hope that at some point this will turn around?

Any insights would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Peppy

Upward2Enlightenment

Congrats on the year, that's great. Did you drink when you two first met?

The most important thing I see in your post though is to get him out of that Al-Anon group it is not going to help him being in there with all the negative feelings and attitudes.

Good luck. Praying for your marriage.

PeppyGirl

Thanks for the response. I should mention that we did drink when we were first dating and married. I did not start drinking alcoholically until after the birth of our 4th child. My drinking went downhill quickly over a period of 18 months until I went into recovery. He is not an alcoholic and does not drink at all any more (by his own admission it is a resentment of his). We have been married 10 years and have 4 children between 9 and 3. Thanks, PG

lovesymphony

Yes, it sounds like his All Anon group could have helped turn him against you. I like the idea of separation at some point, but maybe for less than six months. I think its healthy for any couple to spend time apart sometimes and miss eachother again. Congratulations on your sobriety.

Upward2Enlightenment

It is an eye opener for me at the moment loves.

Upward2Enlightenment

Peppy definitely get him out of that group, it is toxic and will destroy your marriage.

CodeJob

Hello Peppy,

Is anything useful coming out of counseling and priest meetings? His Al Anon group sounds twisted. I've got to say it was hard for me to figure out what was going on with some members bc we talk SO little about our qualifiers.

If you asked my RAH he would definitely agree with you that I am worse than last year. But he is in denial, unhappy I go to Al Anon, and trying to claim his drinking did not impact me. So our 2 realities are running like a parallel universes. He also refuses marital counseling. So is your H really working what you do are doing?

I hope you two work it out. There just don't seem to be a lot of happy endings.

EndGameNYC

It's possible that he imagined that all his problems would be fixed when you got sober, and that he's now learning that this is not the case. It's not a stretch to say that this can be a very traumatic experience.

With all the help you're both getting, I'm wondering if anyone has brought this up.

People go through all kinds of hell when one of the two people in a relationship attempts to make major changes, and not everyone is prepared for either unintended or unwanted consequences.

By getting sober, you've also taken away his job as the "healthy one," the one who went to great lengths to help you. Many people derive a great deal of satisfaction in the role of "the helper," and are then at a loss when the tables are turned.

Upward2Enlightenment

That is a good point endgame.

ontherightpath

Yep, every time I get some time under my belt, my husband minimizes aa and creates issues. He does this because this what he expects from the previous attempts. That after a couple of weeks, I shouldn't need meetings. But he was ready to take my kids from me when he caught me drinking during the day. Now that I haven't done that in months, he thinks I just don't need meetings. He was ready to send me to rehab, or maybe that was just an idle threat. Regardless, instead of talking it out, he lashes out like my recovery has something to do with him. And then I have to remind him again that my recovery is about my actions, not his pot.

LoveMeNow

That was not my experience with Alanon at all. We go to work on us!! However, in my experience, I wanted my husband to make amends with me from the first week. I didn't want to wait until he did all those others steps first.

Congrats on a year. Great job!!

ETA - my ego was so big, that I thought he should be so thankful for all my help at rescuing him. I loved being the victim and the martyr. How dare he not be overly appreciative and kiss my butt 24/7? I had a lot maturing to do and I really had to work on my own codependency.

DrunkTx

I don't mean to get in your business, or the sources of pain that liquor may have brought - but is it possible he hasn't forgiven you yet? is it possible, that some of what had transpired, actually gets worse when you recover and he still hasn't addressed?
One of the big pillars of recovery, is that your sobriety is your own. Another pillar is to stop beating yourself up, and not worry about past mistakes - but look forward while embracing the virtues of an honest and clean life. The problem for our spouses? often they never experience the reset button we have. They don't really know how fulfilling and amazing sober living can be. They don't realize it - but being a dry drunk doesn't involve alcohol.

Wish I had a solution beyond a potential diagnosis. If my thinking is directionally accurate, maybe get him actively involved in AA or whatever recovery system he is capable of ascribing to. The starting point is realizing that you don't need to drink in order to recover.

Charliee

This all sounds very familiar too me. I have been sober over a year and I think that my husband received so much attention and so many people felt sorry for him because I what I was putting him through. Now what does he have to do? We still have a lot to work on and I am going to try to talk to him again about therapy. I honestly am not sure we will make it without it!

PeppyGirl

Thank you for all of your insights. I love what you said Drunk Tx about realizing that you don't need to drink in order to recover. That is something that will stick with me for a while.

He usually goes to Al Anon on Monday nights. I am not sure if he will go tomorrow or not. I had asked him several times about working the steps and when he talked to his sponsor the sponsor said that my husband wasn't ready yet. Well it has been a year and we are both so frustrated! I do know that there are wonderful Al Anon programs out there but we haven't been able to find one yet. He did admit that most of the times he comes out of Al Anon feeling like crap. He has also tried EVERY Al Anon mtg in our area and actually drives 45 minutes to get to the mtg that he goes to on Monday nights.

It is so sad and frustrating and I really, really appreciate all of your insights. It is greatly appreciated.

DocSobrietist

I don't know what I can say except I feel for you - I'm in a similar place, nearly 1 year sober and finding that instead of my relationship with my wife being better, it seems to have gone downhill. She also attends Al-Anon, *is* working the steps, but it doesn't seem to mean much - she's angry, bitter, and we butt heads regularly, and communication has been very strained. I am trying to remain open-minded about the benefits of Al-Anon but I'm starting to get paranoid about what she's hearing or learning there. Her sponsor is not very flexible (doesn't take phone calls, only has time to meet with her during the days on Saturdays - the only time we have free together consistently as a family), and I'm starting to suspect her sponsor and the group is there to teach her that everything a recovering addict is all about is being "manipulative and controlling" and that "setting boundaries" gives a person free reign to stonewall, ignore, and deny interaction with your loved one. My patience is being tried to an amazing degree. I know this is hard for her too.

Anyways, I could ramble on, but I just wanted to say I feel your pain. I hope things get better for the both of us.

-DrS

Upward2Enlightenment

Peppy, have you talked with your sponsor about this? Or maybe someone else in your group you would feel comfortable talking to about it? They may have some ideas since they live near you.

Nevermind just reread your first post

PeppyGirl

Had another couples therapy appt. today. We had agreed early on that today would be our last session for a while. I am completely wiped out mentally and emotionally. We have been pursuing therapy, treatment, and faith counseling very aggressively over this entire year of sobriety. It is so tough to look back at this past year and feel WOrSE than we did at the beginning. I am exhausted and need a break from all of this. I think I really need a break from all of the counseling because it is exhausting with no progress.

Upward2Enlightenment

I am assuming it didn't go well. I feel so sorry that you are having trouble. Just don't let it ruin your progress.

I will still be praying for you.

StormiNormi

Peppy, interesting you post this topic today. I had a discussion yesterday with an al-anon member. She said for the first year or so, she was ANGRY her AH was so happy in sobriety. When I asked why, she said secretly she wanted him to suffer as greatly as she had. Finally, someone got her into Al-anon, and she did the steps immediately. If you have cancer, you don't wait until you are ready for treatment, you swallow that pill as quickly as it can be administered. I think you DH is BSing, you. He is wallowing is self pity. You are growing, happy and moving onwards and upwards, while he is regressing because of his bitterness. You are moving in two polar opposition directions. I, personally, would give an ultimatum. Do the steps or choose separation. Period.

Anna

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I do have some thoughts. I suspect that your husband used your drinking as a blame for everything, and tried to believe that when you stopped drinking, all would be great. It didn't happen because it was just the drinking that was the problem (as it seldom is).

I would also say, from my point of view, I wouldn't have been able to remain sober in a situation like that. Actually, it's not that I couldn't have but more that I wouldn't have wanted to remain in a situation like yours. It was crucial to me to value myself and live with self-respect and I would not have been able to do that if my husband had not been willing to forgive.

And, honestly, I think being willing to forgive is very simple.