Hooped

I went kinda mental here the other day.
Sorry for that.
think i totally insulted some people too.
my brain right now feels like a warm bowl of Campbell chicken noodle soup
I really do want to quit drinking
thats why im here

Hooped

i feel like ive gone lunitic frankly

Hooped

im ready to just take off and end up wherever i end up....luckily i have no car keys right now....god....i really want out

suki44883

The way out is through. You can do this. SR is great online support and we're here to do what we can, but some real life support can really help a lot.

LBrain

did you see the doctor?

Hooped

but?...why am i turning into a mental case?

Hevyn

Hooped we were worried, but I don't think anyone felt insulted. We all want to see you get well - wish you would see your doctor.

Thepatman

Same here, worried is a better description than insulted.

You can make it, it's really not easy but possible.

SoberLeigh

No insults here; no worries either except worries for you!!! Have you stopped drinking? Did you see your doctor, Hooped?

least

I hope you will see your doctor for help. By the end of my drinking career I was a bit 'mental' also. Drinking can do that to you. I hope you can get sober for good.

ScottFromWI

That would be a great question to ask your doctor, who you did have an appointment with the other day, did you go? My guess is that stopping drinking would help, and you've received a lot of sound advice how to get started with that, did you follow through with any of it?

EndGameNYC

Not being a wise ass, but you provided ample evidence as to why you're feeling crazy, Hooped, on your other thread. But there's more.

You painted lovely pictures of communing with the beach, the ocean. Writing and playing songs. Such peaceful trappings in stark contrast to your chaotic inner reality have only thrown in sharp relief your absolute despair.

You've recently had a moment of clarity...the huge, seemingly unbridgeable gap between what your life was supposed to be and what it has actually become. A brilliant guitarist in a loving relationship versus a person who's best years are behind him, and who finds no solace from the support given by people who've been there. Failed dreams, seemingly no longer within our grasp, aren't always enough for us to put down the drink. But being in that place is the very definition of trauma. You long ago lost control of your own life.

During your flirtation with insanity, you continue to question whether or not you have a problem with alcohol. You write things like, "Everyone else here should remember what it's like, to be an alcoholic, as I think I am...I suppose?" You're still bargaining with your silent assassin, and your Plan B is defined by thoughts about moderation.

You have the same kind of destructive relationship with your wife as you do with alcohol: "I want to stop, but I want to stop without putting down the drink. I don't want to feel crazy, but I don't want to stop doing what makes me feel crazy. I want a better life, but I don't want a better life without drinking. I want to stay with my wife, but I want to leave because I feel abused. I want my wife to leave, but when she leaves I feel abandoned and crazy, so I want her to come back, because feeling abandoned and crazy is worse than feeling abused. And when she does come back, I feel abused so I want her to leave."

We're all familiar with the debate, but you don't seem capable of trusting that. You frame yourself as being different than the rest of us, and no one can either help you or understand you. You treat support with disdain, as though those of us who are trying to support you got you into this mess in the first place. This is the "locked room" that Jaynie described in response to your comments on your other thread. You want to get out of your prison, but you don't want to leave in order to get out.

Do yourself a favor. Put down the drink and get some help. You've already demonstrated that what you're doing not only does not work, but also makes things much worse. As things currently stand, you're not at all living life, are you? The choice is yours. If you've learned nothing else during your recent adventures here, people on SR will support you no matter what.

Whatever happens next is entirely up to you. Choose wisely.

LadyBlue0527

Great post EndGame and thanks for a better name for the AV as it's exactly what you called it.

Hooped, my hope for you is that you see your way through this by understanding that the only way out is to stop the addiction.

I woke up and read through that entire last post that was locked. It brought me to tears. It was a male version of me before I quit.

You've got a ton of hands reaching out to you here but no one is ever going to be able to latch on and pull you up as long as you have both hands wrapped around a bottle. There has to be effort on your end too.

There are a lot of people here who care. You just have to take part in wanting it.

IWLSAST

Hey Hooped,

Carlos here, your old buddy from the Novi 10' class.

You need to go back and read some posts from your sober days...long term sobriety suites you!

Can't drive a Mustang from the under side of the ground.

You got this, man. Go get some help!!

I gotta run now, off to an AA mtg. I will be thinking about you!!

Dee74

Good to see you back here Hooped and wanting to quit

I spoke a lot on the last thread so I'll keep it short here - you need to do more Hooped.

If your only option is to drink more, you're in real trouble.

There are other options - and the difficulties aren't insurmountable.

I really hope you do more Hooped

D

Hooped

Endgame your post gave me chills.....you have nailed it....thank you

EndGameNYC

I'm happy that you took my comments as my reaching out to you, Hooped, rather than as criticism.

I've been in that miserable place, where I don't trust anyone, and I don't trust myself. I've locked myself in the tower, high above the fray so that no one could possibly reach me, only to discover that I'd locked the door on both sides. The very thing I intended to protect me also held me captive.

Of course I thought I'd finally reached my destination...that I was indeed crazy. What better way to explain putting myself in such a position, to destroy all the goodness within myself with daily, numbing regularity? At least then it made sense to me that I'd continue to kill myself slowly. Since I'm crazy, I must also be beyond help. The only thing that made sense to me was to stay crazy, to push it to the extreme.

Let the healing begin. There's a better life waiting for you on the other side.

justinJustQuit

You aren't. You want out so bad, but addiction is a tough SOB. I've said this a lot, but I cried for hours uncontrollably two days ago. I got so angry (I'm not an angry drunk), I threw a cell phone through my 1 year old flatscreen.

Things happen at the end of drunkenness. In just 48 hours (now), I feel amazing compared to that last night drinking. I will never detox again so long as I have a plan.