snakes

Hello, I am trying to quit drinking but NOT doing well. I've been going to AA meetings on and off for a few months. I've tried to cut back on my own without success. Not sure where to go from here. It isn't the amount I drink, it is the mental shame and torture of drinking for me. I drink a few glasses of wine most nights of the week and hate myself for it. I know it can't be good for me. I just flat old need help.

biminiblue

Sounds like attempting to moderate your drinking is not working for you.

Have you been able to go 24 hours without a drink? The longer you stay away from it the easier it gets and the less guilt and shame you will feel. I found moderation to be impossible and abstinence to be the only solution.

This is a good place to be. Read around the Newcomers Forum and join in some groups like the April 2014 Class thread.

You'll find a lot of support here.

snakes

Actually I don't want to moderate. I want to quit. I usually can go a day or 2 just fine without drinking but then I am back at it again. I feel like a failure.

ScottFromWI

Perhaps you could try more regular attendance at the meetings rather than just going "on and off" - do you have a sponsor?

Reading and posting here on a more regular basis might help too.

You could also try AVRT or some of the other secular/self based methods that are described in the Secular forums.

Outpatient rehab might even be something to consider.

Bottom line, recovery is work - it doesn't just happen by "not drinking".

snakes

I haven't found a sponsor yet. I've felt pretty detached but I know it is something I need to commit to. How do I know if I need inpatient or outpatient rehab? I made an appointment to see a psychologist too.

Upward2Enlightenment

You say you go a day or 2 then start drinking again. Is there anything that triggers your drinking?

snakes

Two things. I miss it and also my husband drinks infrequently. I find it hard to not drink if he happens to be drinking. Still, the fault is mine.

SoberLeigh

Hi, snakes. Welcome to SR; glad that you found the site. I am sorry to hear that things are not going well for. I would suggest that you give AA a full try - I have never been to AA but I don't think an on and off attendance pattern is the recommended approach.

There are many great articles about alcoholism on this site. I would also recommend reading posts and posting often yourself.

Behind you and with you.

(Edit: sorry, this post is very redundant; was distracted after beginning the post and did not get to finishing it for almost an hour).

jaynie04

I know it is hard to believe but the place you are at is actually much more torturous than quitting completely. Once drinking is no longer an option…it's a relief. I can't tell you how many times I have been in situations where I would have drank in the past. No more angling, obsessing, trying to cram my obligations in so I could collapse and drink. It is simply amazing to be in my own skin instead of preoccupied with a substance.

I don't drink….period. I had way more than my share when I was drinking, and then I crossed an invisible line at some point. I can have a life where I make choices, or I can have a life of chaos subject to the whims of a liquid, I can't have both.

My suggestion? Take drinking as an option off of the table. My daughter has a nut allergy, we make certain allowances in our lifestyle because of that, choices that help keep her healthy and safe. As an alcoholic in recovery, I make certain choices too…they keep me safe and healthy. At the outset I was very protective of the circumstances I put myself into. Why punish myself by putting myself into situations that would make me feel damaged or resentful?

We live in a drinking world, the cues are everywhere. We are a subset of that group…once I took the leap and owned that fact the actions that were required became a lot easier. The beginning is hard, and everyone here understands that. But that gray murky area when you know the best course of action yet aren't taking it yet…well, remembering what that was like helps keep me sober.

I agree with Scott, if you are having a hard time staying sober I would throw everything I could at it. Continuing to drink after you know there is a problem, that is actually really hard work. Trying to live your old life and simply remove alcohol?? That is where a lot of people get stuck. Finding support among other people is so important. I am extremely independent, but this is one thing I couldn't do alone. Consider joining the April class, it seems like a really active class and it is helpful to be among peeps that are in their first days and weeks too.

Upward2Enlightenment

Have you sat him down and asked him to not drink around you? I would hope he would try to help you.

snakes

I do think this has to be worse than NOT drinking. Why do I keep doing it?

My husband does not think I am an alcoholic. I've asked him repeatedly to not drink around me and to support me going to AA. He says he isn't willing to because he thinks the problem is me needing something to worry about rather than me being an alcoholic.

Upward2Enlightenment

I'm sorry alcoholic or not he should support you wanting to quit drinking no matter what.

snakes

I agree. I do not know what to do about it.

deeker

Like some others have mentioned. I would go back to AA and get a sponsor
and work the steps. Recovery is going to be work. Have you read the big
book yet?

Attendance at a few meetings is not gonna cut it.

snakes

Yes, I bought the big book and the 12 step book and have been reading both. But I still am drinking and I am absolutely furious with myself.

Stoogy

It's far from easy to moderate, it just teases you into wanting more. In my experience it is easier to stop once and for all than start every day and force yourself to stop after a few drinks.
Good luck to you my friend we are all here for you.

deeker

You can go to a meeting even if you have been drinking. All you need is a desire.
Wouldn't be the first time someone has done that, that's for sure.

biminiblue

Your husband may not ever admit you are an alcoholic. If you think you are, then you are. If you can't moderate and you can't stop, at the best there is a problem.

Many people have stopped drinking with a spouse who continues to drink. There is going to be alcohol on every corner - you cannot avoid it. This is about you learning to live without it going into your mouth. No one else is involved in that decision. It's on you.

You can do it! It gets easier. If it didn't, no one would be able to recover.

least

Welcome to the family. I hope the support here can help you stop drinking for good. Put the bottle down for your own sake, never mind what your husband says or does. Do this for yourself!

sugarbear1

"the problem is me needing something to worry about"

this is my alcoholism