Crushing Relapse.
 

Hi all,

I've just come off a 3 day bender which involved copious amounts of vodka being consumed, and consequently being very nasty to my now ex-girlfriend and fighting with my best friend.

When my life seems to be improving (which it did without alcohol), doubts and anxiety end up creeping back in, and I end up hitting the self-destruct button, and drinking until I can't string together a coherent sentence.

I'm scared because although I feel great motivation and the clarity needed to stop drinking at this moment, it always seem to fade after a couple of months and I get dragged back into drinking, but far worse than before.

I'm just looking for support as I haven't left my bedroom for 3 days and I'm scared and depressed.

Thanks for reading

RunnerBean,

Hang in there. My thoughts and prayers are with you. :grouphug: You are worth it, so keep up the fight to stop.

RB sorry this happened. All you can do is learn from it, move on, and try again. Apologize to the people you've hurt when you're ready. I"m sure they both know that alcohol fueled the behavior and it wasn't coming from "the real you".
Hang in there, drink lots of water, take a walk and a deep breath. You can stop-take it a minute at a time and just make that decision not to pick up a drink over and over again. Today is a new day!

It got worse and worse for me as well each time I went back. Drink lots of water as others have said, the initial hangover/withdrawals will pass eventually.

Regarding you "getting sucked back into drinking' when you seem to be doing better, I'd ask what you actually use as a plan to stay sober. Simply "not drinking" generally leads to drinking if we don't have a solid plan in place to learn to live sober. For some that is AA/NA. Some use counseling, some use SR, some use other methods. Perhaps you should look at what you were doing ( or not doing ) and develop a new plan moving forward - it's worth it and you never have to go through this again if you don't want to.

Hi @RunnerBean. I can definitely relate to what you're describing above. There is a book I read ("The Heart of Addiction") that is based on the premise that all addictions, whether to substances or behaviors, are displacements for things we should be doing - constructive things - to deal with situations wherein we feel stressed, trapped, or cornered. Can you think back to what was going on leading up to your recent bender? Was it simple boredom and anxiety and, even if it was, with what (or whom) were you bored and/or anxious? You stated that you "get dragged back into drinking." By what, typically? Are you doing this drinking alone or with others?

Hi Runnerbean....have you stopped drinking? Because it will make the depression worse.

Sorry you drank again. What makes you pick up again? I think sometimes if we have a stint of sobriety we think we can tangle with alcohol again and stop again successfully.

I'm wondering what tricks you into thinking the outcome is going to be any different when you know you are an alcoholic? I ask this question kindly...I don't mean to sound harsh...it's not meant that way.

Are you finding it hard to face that you really are an alcoholic and you really can't drink?

It does get harder to stop, the side effects are unpredictable....I doubted this...til I experienced some pretty damn scary and relentless heart palpitations. And that was after only 3 drinks, and happened a couple of hours after I'd actually finished the last drink.

I finally accepted my body cannot tolerate alcohol, there's no fun times ahead if I include alcohol in my life....and that AV is just a voice, it's not me, it's not who I want to be or what I want for my life.

Wishing you well....come talk to us if you want to drink, mate. You have support here.

@GetMeOut - I will make sure I check out that book, it seems to be a very intriguing concept!
Yes I know exactly what fuelled my latest binge, my ex and I were on the verge of splitting up, and then we did of course. So the whole situation caused major upset and anxiety. I'd just like to learn to deal with things in a calm and rational way, but I always cave in at the first sight of a difficult hurdle in life.

GetMeOut, thank you for mentioning that book ! I just ordered his more recent the7-step handbook for ending addiction ! The more I understand, the better equipped I am at overcoming it and I LOVE reading well-written books like the looks of this one. I feel we need to be pro-active if we truly want to free ourselves and knowledge is power !
Again, thank you

Hi RunnerBean. Sorry to hear that you have relapsed. As others have said, alcohol seems to fuel depression.

Often, when we have stopped drinking for a period of time, we are fooled into thinking that we are cured or we can moderate and if "triggers" arise (such as anxiety and doubts), it makes it all the easier to relapse. Also, quite often, stopping drinking is easier than staying stopped which is why it is so important to address the reasons why we drink or feel we have to drink. The book suggestions above sound like really great advice and a good starting places to begin to understand addiction. A support group such as AA is definitely worth consideration, also. Staying close to SR, reading the articles here, posting often would probably also be a good idea; it has really helped me.

We are behind and with you.

There will always be difficult hurdles. We have no control over the majority of life.

The Serenity Prayer is very good in all situations - and I've been told it cannot be worn out: this is a good thing as I tend to need it several times a day.

GetMeOut....just looked at that book and downloaded it...looking forward to reading it. Thanks for sharing! :)