Feelings of guilt/regret after quitting
 

Hi all, just looking for suggestions or advice on how to see things clearer, since I stopped drinking (10 yrs drinking), just recently stopped 3 months ago, I have these strong feelings of remorse, guilt, shame. I feel I wasted my wifes time, my children.

I took that time away from them and I cant ever give it back to them, I feel terrible, we fight more it seems, she brings it up and throws it in my face that I drank so much and always put her to the side, which is true...

I feel lost....I want to "fix" everything, I want to be the perfect man for her, the perfect dad, I cant believe I clouded myself with alcohol and live for so long that way.

I still have my family but that can change if I don't get myself together, if anyone has gone thru this by all means I hope you reply. Thank you.

Picking up the broken pieces are difficult and heart breaking.

But time does wonders. The more time you remain sober, new memories get created for everyone. Give it time and congratulations on your superb accomplishment of 3 months.

Congrats on 3 months and welcome to SR!

Nearly all of us have gone through this in some way and it's initially pretty painful as you are finding out. Time heals a lot of wounds, but frankly you aren't going to undo 10 years of damage in a span of a few months. Some may never heal, but at least you have a chance by not drinking now. Keep doing that and many of the issues you are dealing with now will subside on their own.

Congrats on three months, that is a huge milestone!

I think we all go through that. My biggest regret is the time lost with my children. I was not emotionally available for most of their lives. I can’t go back and fix it. I have spoken to both of them and made amends.

I continue to make a living amends by living a clean sober life and being there for them if they need me.

It takes time and beating yourself over the head with past mistakes is not going to make you or them feel better.

Don’t look so hard at the past, you don’t live there anymore.

I feel your pain, seriously. It's one thing to be able to talk yourself out of feelings of guilt, shame, and remorse (which is important because the past can't possibly be changed and all you have is right now). It's quite another to be able to face the fallout from how your actions have affected those closest to you. Nothing can heal that but time, and patience. All you are capable of doing is the best you can do, which of course includes staying off the booze. The AV will try to discourage you and tell you you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, so you might as well drink up. Do not listen to that nonsense. That's another reason, as far as your own peace of mind is concerned, to not dwell on your losses. You shouldn't make others feel guilty for reminding you how much pain you've caused - you have to be patient with them - but you can keep from beating yourself up over it. It's important that you do.

thanks for replying. it means a lot. cant help but feeling a bit helpess, today was one of those bad mornings, woke up took kids to school, on the way to work crying to myself thinking about all these things.

I know exactly how you feel, going through it myself. I agree with the don't beat yourself up statements but I do it to myself too even though I try not to. Don't let that endanger your sobriety.

Also remember there are others here going through it with you and together we can help each other make it through.

Thanks to everyone again, after reading your posts it did lift me a little and made me feel a bit better.

Hi lifenomad....welcome.

I think the feelings you are having are normal and part of the process of first facing what we've done, and then moving forward.

Probably around 2 or 3 months of sobriety, I had some pretty torturous dreams of people I'd hurt, including mourning the life I'd said goodbye to and chosen alcohol over.

I also imagine your wife has a lot of anger, and to finally have someone sober to express it to is part of her process also. It's a big thing for both of you to face. Has your wife considered ALAnon? Even if you aren't in AA....she may find it useful to understand her anger is normal also.

Wishing you all the best....and you always have support and a place to vent here. No matter how hard it gets.

that's exactly how im feeling, like I said goodbye to my previous life when I chose to drink, now I wanna just shout "im back!!" to my family, I guess I just need to think about creating my new life from this point on. I am so worried about how I messed up and how I probably cant fix it, I need to really try

I haven't done AA but I have considered it, although the cravings no longer exist, its the aftermath that is doing more damage to me. She has not considered ALAnon and probably wouldn't, she does say she love me and wants us to work things out which is what im hopeful for, I just hope I don't shoot myself in the foot with all these negative feelings I have towards myself.

Thanks again for replying, its encouraging. Thank you

lifenomad that is a very good sign that she says she loves you and wants to work things out. Try not to let those negative feelings get a foothold. Have you forgiven yourself?

Praying for you and your family.

I haven't forgiven myself, it took a couple of months for it to hit me, and its finally hitting me, like im just realizing now what a terrible thing ive done and how could I have let that happen.

That's ok nomad.

All normal what you are feeling, as other posters have said too.

Forgiving ourselves is hard. I've cursed myself out loud...many times. I'm sure most of us have. I think facing the horror of what we've done, hard as it is...is vital to making us understand why we can't drink and what we stand to lose if we do.

The first days and weeks of sobriety are about survival...just keeping sober was all I could focus on. As the full picture starts to come into view, we have goals and choices to make. A life to plan, full of possibilities. It's painful at times....but boy, in time, it becomes damn exciting.

You have a chance to claim your life back...there's a lot to gain!

I would have to think that she wouldnt throw it in your face. I mean if anything she should be happy that you quit!!
AND! I'm sure that while you were drinking you did spend time with the family and did things with them!
Maybee not as much as you could have, but you definately spent time with them! Don't go down that dark road, where you start thinking coulda, shoulda, woulda!!
I hope your wife isn't giving you too much of a guilt trip. If she is, just stay strong and in a few weeks your mind will become clearer and you will see that you did spend time..

Definitely been there done that, still do sometimes but I am still early in my recovery and it does seem to get better each day.

I meant to say you CAN'T keep beating yourself up over it and it's important that you do NOT! Ugh... Nothing like saying the exact opposite of what I really meant! :c029: