countrysidegirl

hi all not posted a while but its been a mad few weeks, about 15 days ago, after having 12 days dry I caved in, my partner was at a course and I was on my own, I got panicky and cleaned the house whilst doing this I found a ten pound note and oh no, I sat and stared at it for over an hour, thoughts going through my mind about what to do, "should I put it away ?"
" should I give to my landlords wife " erm no! that would be embarrassing and on and on it went till I eventually got up grabbed the note cursing I as went and gave in, I bought some tobacco and 4 pint cans of stella , when I came hone it only took a matter of minuets before the can was out the carrier back, top being pulled back to hear the hiss and up to my dry lips and in my mouth and down my throat I'm ashamed but this felt wonderful, after about 3 cans were gone I was over took by shame and cried , then with anger and threw back the last of the cans , by this time I was rather light headed and wanting more, I had awoke the demon again,
my partner came home unexpectedly I was hoping to clean up, have a shower, mouth wash the usual tricks but this was not meant to be we had a massive row, him being angry and then I demanded more drink, as I work on a webcam site I can be a bitch about this when drunk and demand that all money is mine and mine to do with however I choose so I took his card (I don't have one ) and got another 8 cans of stella and a small bottle of Smirnoff, I cant remember much more other than I went into the spare room watched the green mile and shawshank , rang my foster parents in drunken dribble and had the most terrible hangover the next morning.

The next few days went by with me feeling ill, depressed and a failure thankfully the rugby helped to keep me focused and after three days I was back into this and running ,

last Friday was good Friday, the rugby lasses all went out to watch our local team play, I did not go, I really wanted to but stayed away as they were drinking, I'm also glad I didn't go because all the gals that did go out got totally wasted , some were filmed falling off a moving car, some sat on a bonnet , refused to move so the driver reversed causing two of them to fall, one has a bad knee, the other a foot, they were chanting at the game, louder than anyone else, embarrassed our coach and we have lost some sponser money because of there antics, I'm worried about a few as they are very heavy drinkers but its not my problem or issue to help them. So our first game is this Sunday I'm really looking forward to this !

I'm also relieved that I went no where near that night out for I would have buckled and most probably end up in a police cell.

I am now 15 days sober, the shakes have gone and the sweating has started again, I do feel tired constantly, eating lots of sugary sweets but my skin looks radiant, I also feel a lot better and feel I'm a lot stronger this time , I will endeavour to post on here and help others on here as much as I can, im not sure about aa or any other help for my drinking at this moment I feel strong but I'm more aware of my triggers now like jealousy, as I have bpd that can also feed off my drinking or the drinking feeds of my bpd, its a tad confusing....

thanks and sorry for such a drawn out post

charlotte xxxxxx

Dee74

I'm glad you made it back countrysidegirl.

Do consider at least using us more - maybe if you'd posted you'd still have that 10 quid...

Why not check out the Class of April support thread?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-3-a-17.html

D

cheebiechi

Good job coming back!!!

Stay strong and post whenever needed!!!! I would love to hear from ya

Matt

countrysidegirl

cheers matt