EndGameNYC

When I was drinking, a day of complete chaos was an improvement for me. I was leading T.S. Eliot's life of quiet desperation, and the chaos was at least a distraction.

It can be terrifying to think about total abstinence, to never drink again. I used it to celebrate (like the opening of a new supermarket), to sleep, to fend off my depression, to tame my anxieties... The problem is that it worked. Sometimes for long stretches. Then only once in a while. Then not for more than an hour or so. Then never. I was then drinking because I had to drink, despite that fact that my world had fallen apart completely.

At some point, virtually all my activities revolved around drinking and drinking with people who also drank a lot. There was fun, but then there was much more pain and agony than fun. And I still drank.

I was one of those unfortunates who needed to lose everything dear to me in life in order to stop. Putting down the drink was difficult. I used all the power I had left in order to save myself...An act of simple human decency that I needed to dig down deeply in order to find it. Nothing remained from the person I had previously known and, even when I did surrender, I believed that my life, all of it, was over anyway.

Drinking the way I did was not fun, did not make me a better person, did not make more creative or productive at work. When you drink the way I drank, you're not really living life at all.

SweatyHands

Ginamarie 323, I recently did some digging to help out a friend of mine in the LA area find an affordable supervised detox center. Try looking on this website for starters: Los Angeles CA Free Rehab Centers

I can speak from experience in telling you that having a safe method to detox from alcohol was the key to me finally deciding to walk away from the bottle. Once the physical danger from withdrawal is behind you, you can start learning what you have to do to stay sober. Good luck, and let me know if the link doesn't work.

Aellyce

Hi Ginamarie,

I relate to a few things in your posts from my still not so far past. I quit drinking ~3 months ago... Totally familiar with being in that sort of "black hole"... daily suicidal thoughts and ideation, all that ***. For me it wasn't my dog that somehow still managed to keep some conscience alive in me, but my elderly father (who actually lives very far from me, but we have a quite special relationship, I have been his ~only confidant for many years now and I really don't think it would be good if he had to survive me). And my work with the project I started several years ago and pulled into it a bunch of people who would be really ***ed if I suddenly subtracted myself from the equation.

But the thoughts were there on a daily basis. Very much like what EG said; I actually had that exact same thought myself:

On chaos as distraction: I had a few cases of this, eg. once when I was mugged on the street and they stole many of my important documents (some from a foreign country), it took a lot of work to deal with all that, which was very annoying but I was forced to do it and it made me feel a little more connected. Or when, in part due to the above incident, I had unexpected problems with my immigration documents because my employer at the time made mistakes taking care of them, and I got stuck in Europe out of the blue, they told me I can't come back to the States, and had to deal with a huge amount of administration, figure out everything, put everything back in order. Was weird because everyone around me was shocked and so sorry for me, but strangely I did not mind... dealing with "life" pulled me out of my messed up head temporarily. Not that I drank less, unfortunately.

Ginamarie, please believe all this people here that putting down the drink (using any possible help you need) is an absolute requirement for starting to make things better. Nothing will work effectively as long as alcohol is part of the construct. Can seem like it's a little better at times, but it really does not last.

I actually did not want to go to AA in the beginning and got curious about it on the go (after ~2 months sober). I was also quite anxious about going, and ironically, my very first meeting was on a day when I was even more nervous due to a work-related issue - I still went to the meeting but could hardly concentrate on it. Then went again in a couple days time, and then more, with a much calmer mindset. The work "issue" has also been resolved since and I actually learned it was more an issue in my head, I exaggerated it.

So try to focus on stopping the drink as a priority. Go to the ER, detox, AA - whatever, just do it. You will need sobriety to put the chaos back in order.

You are a good person being so caring about your dog, it's lucky that you have her with you

All the best, please don't give up!

Ginamarie323

Excuse the typos as I'm doing this on my phone. Finally quit drinking after a particularly bad binge last Tuesday night. I woke up thinking I should go to hospital. Barfed all day (blood) and my limbs felt like I had cerebral palsy. So I thought, that's it.....but I still had a half a bottle of wine in fridge so I drank that Wednesday night. Felt okay Thursday but around noon started sweating profusely. Was afraid to go into detox so I decided to taper down with lite beer. Had 5 beers Thursday night, took a unisom that night and felt like I was having mini seizures but was somehow in a twilight sleep. Friday I had one beer, and nothing since.

I'm feeling a little better each day but still have headache and brain fog. And the sweating!!! My god, when does that stop??? I can't sleep now and have work tomorrow and I'm sweating all day long!! It's disgusting.

I will say this though...I'm so glad I stopped. I know there's no guarantee I won't start again but I have no desire to drink now. Still feel like garbage though. These withdrawals are the worst!!

Thanks for the support.

SuperMega

I am so happy you stopped drinking! Yes, the withdrawals are really bad. In my experience this last time I stopped drinking the sweating lasted in all about 72 hours. It gradually gets better though. The first two days were the worst. Drink lots of water and hit the shower every once in awhile to make yourself feel better. It will pass! Not only will it pass but your life on the other side will be so much better!
Congrats and keep it up. Stay here and read, read, read! There are so many little nuggets here that can help you on your road to recovery. =)