lovemesomeokra

I was married for 17 years. I worked as an engineer during those years and climbed the corporate ladder quickly. Very quickly. I was bringing in about 80% of my family's income when my marriage ended.

The man I married and I decided when we separated that it made sense for him to be the residential custodian since I frequently traveled, often on short notice, for my job.

So I bought a house for him and the kids in the suburbs and bought one for me and the kids in the city. I thought it was important for the kids to see that not everyone was born with a cell phone in one hand and an i-pod in the other.

Less than six months after our separation, my company went bankrupt and I lost my job. I couldn't replace my income without moving out of the area and I was unwilling to move away from my children. I was also unwilling to have them change school districts and leave all the friends they'd grown up with so I didn't pursue changing the custody agreement. I did have time, tho, and I spent most of it driving them from one event to the next and cheering their participation while I watched. Meanwhile I continued to make child-support payments based on my former income.

Unfortunately, I was never able to find a job that replaced my income, not even a good portion of it. I never missed a child support payment, but I became less and less able to cover my own expenses.

Last November, my youngest turned 21 and now I no longer have to pay child support (if you get divorced in NY you pay until they're 21). It's a financial relief.

The reason I'm posting, tho, is that I always felt like as soon as anyone knew that I was a non-custodial mom they immediately went to the "she must be an unfit mother" mindset. Am wondering if anyone else has been in this situation.

Being an alcoholic makes all this worse. Just so ya know.

izzy8

So sorry lovemesome, that has to be an incredibly difficult situation on so many levels. I am not in the same boat but I have been in that boat where it seems hopeless, like you're running out of time and that all signs point to a direction you never imagined you'd be heading.

Hang in there. You never know when one opportunity, no matter how small, will turn into another, and another.

I would say to just do what you can with what you have. Just that. In my roughest moments, those decisions can seem so trivial and like they won't matter.

But the times that I have hung on and did do just what I could, I never regretted it. And sometimes, those decisions can unexpectedly lead into better places you never thought possible.

Anna

I think that mothers are often judged for anything and everything. It's a tough job.

Try to not worry about what others think about you. You know that you took care of your children and you know why you made the choice you did.