SkyBlueSky

I don't qualify in the state I am living for Medicaid. I wish it was just alcohol, but it isn't. It's pills, psychedelics, marijuana, heroin, speed, cocaine, crack, PCP, everything. I don't care what will let me escape. I can't afford it. I am alone except these fine people on SR. It's hard to believe SR meant something completely different to me a year ago. This is why my friends get sick of me; I can't help myself. I know I can help myself, but it seems impossible. Thousands in ER visits to get a fix. Beaten up for a dime bag. I just can't find a way to sit in my own skin. Whatever I do for the better of myself, I HATE. This boredom is killing me. Have I given up? Is this my destiny? I am sure everyone will say no. But, hell we all have to fall apart sometime. Helping yourself makes me feel like a dope.

biminiblue

It's up to you. It's your life to save or squander. No one can do this for you - even though we are all behind you 100% - and I'm sure the people who really love you would be too.

Anna

You can make the choice to change your life, if that's what you want to do. It's hard work, but it's worth it. You can find things to do to relieve the boredom. Volunteering is an awesome way to spend some time.

ScottFromWI

Have you ever tried AA or NA? Solid, face to face support is sometimes what we need. Both are absolutely free and most likely a meeting is going on right now someplace near you.

doggonecarl

Sounds a little more serious than boredom, Sky.

Some people are just as addicted to the despair in their life as they are to drugs. I know I was. But I got sick of living like a character in a Russian novel.

I got out of the life. Most of my friends did not. So being clean and sober today is a blessing.

LBrain

Okay, here I go...
I'm trying to go from memory - it is better now since I haven't had a drink since Dec. 2013.

SkyBlueSky, You have serious issues. You recognize this yourself.
You are bored and need a job. Some of your lawyer buddies even went to suggest ways to get help for work... Not in your best interest at this time I think.
You don't want to go to a rehab because you will have to report it to the bar ass.
Stop me when I'm wrong.. ??? Anybody? Okay

YOU ARE NOT A LAWYER!

You may be qualified and have the credentials. But that is it. If you are not practicing law you are just another one who finished school and took the test. Thinking that going to a rehab may put a blemish on you record is nonsense. Because if you don't do something soon - I mean today - your record won't mount to a hill of beans. I have one of the most specialized and hard to get qualifications ever - much tougher than passing the bar. But I don't got no job. Why? Because I thought I could sneak through the cracks and drink myself senseless on the days it didn't matter. Now I have no job. And my qualifications mean squat at the moment. Useless. Sure my background etc will aid me moving forward. But right now? I am currently unemployable in my profession.
Quit worrying about a job and harming your reputation. Just think of what could happen if you actually had a job lawyering and you screwed up something because of being in an altered state. I think the bar association would be much harder on you then. Once you are disbarred, I'm pretty sure it's forever. Until you are free of addiction, nothing else matters. You need to do whatever it takes to get clean. WHATEVER. ANY MEANS POSSIBLE. GO TO ANY LENGTHS. ETC. ETC. ETC.
Please do this for yourself. PLEASE. Whatever emotional burdens you carry aside from addiction must also be addressed. You have to stop worrying about the future and start worrying about today. TODAY. JUST FOR TODAY and ONLY FOR TODAY. Once you get today figured out, the tomorrows will start to come. Many of the fine people on this forum have offered suggestions to you. I highly recommend you swallow your pride and start listening.
You are certainly a very intelligent person. I hope I made sense. And I sincerely wish for you to overcome this hardship that many of us have faced. Believe it or not, there are those who were worse off than you who have made a complete turnaround and are living successful lives. But they had to start at day 1 just like the rest of us.

Humility. Ask for help out there.

letsgowithJ

I used to only go to psychiatrists, because I thought only a MD could help me but I got a lot of help from a psychologist. I thought I was chemically unbalanced, but it turns out I had a lot of issues that were external and I could work to deal with them. That's not to say that medicine can't be useful either.

In any case, I used to have the same problem. Then I consolidated all the addictions to one escape...the legal one...alcohol. I'm still working through that one, but I'm now to a point when I am happiest while sober. My problem now is that I'm happy while sober but then I want to get happier...like really fast without any effort. It's actually a good quality in my brain that substances have made go haywire.

The medicaid thing is a little confusing. Can you explain?

The boredom thing is something I used to say a bunch. Now I like to think of the most fun things in my life like the most beautiful music played at a reasonable volume. Drugs are like going to a Ke$ha concert that blows out your eardrums. It takes a while before the things you used to think were fun actually feel fun.

That's me anyway. This is really just word vomit that's probably more for me than you. But i will click post it in case you can attach to anything here as useful.

PAINLESS66

Hey skybluesky... all I see are dark clouds with no clear blue skies at all by your description of how your slowly hurting yourself... is there a detox in your city? detox is the only thing that saved my life 37 days ago. That and a little tiny female that loves me more then anyone i ever knew or could hope to meet... I just cant return the love she needs because unfortunately my heart is somewhere else for someone else.. Back to u... i know u know u need help otherwise we never woulda found u posting on SR. Thats a huge step in the right direction... You sound like a good guy deep down inside whose just blinded by drugs and quite a plethora there of... FREE YOUR MIND AND YOUR BUTT WILL FOLLOW... GO TO DETOX.... Even hospitals that dont offer detox can safely detox you because thats how i did it except i refused all drugs to wean me off comfortably because i needed to feel that pain... that very same pain burned deep into the forefront of my memory and for me to even think about using for some strange reason turns my stomach which is a good thing... detox brother... then find good people and tell them u need their help checking in on u.. i would be using right now if it werent for my little angel... i see her love and the idiot that i am runs from it when all along its all i ever wanted... im screwed... but staying clean..

Ruby2

I am going to comment to what you posted and LBrain's response. LB is right. I don't know what state you are in but in mine if you are a licensed attorney you don't have to report to the attorney licensing people any trips to rehab. I am an attorney and while I told my employer I was going to rehab, I didn't report to the licensing committee. It isn't their business unless there are allegations of misconduct and complaints have been filed. While I was in rehab another attorney came in. There are a lot of lawyers out there. My AA homegroup meetings is sometimes called the "lawyers meeting." Check your local or state bar association to find out if there is a lawyer's assistance program in your area and contact them. You want to address this NOW before you ever talk to a client or take a case. You can face suspension and be disbarred depending on the severity of misconduct.

I know people to whom this has happened. Many, many complaints about attorneys involve lawyers screwing up because of alcohol and substance abuse issues. Blowing filing deadlines, misappropriating client funds, not appearing in court, etc. There are lawyers and judges at all levels who have alcohol and drug problems. It is the ones who don't admit that they have a problem and don't do anything about the problem that run into a lot of trouble because if you practice law and mess up some client's case the client is the one who suffers the consequences.

If you want to quit, reach out for help. You don't have to do it alone and most people can't do it alone. I couldn't. If you don't want to quit or you find it boring, well, I think it is your addiction talking. There are plenty of non boring things to do out there that don't involve drinking or drugs. I found that getting hammered all the time became boring. If you do heed the addictive voice, don't practice law.

Ruby2

It is not my place to say don't practice law if you don't quit and I apologize. It is just a dangerous place to be in and I am speaking from experience. I've never been disciplined or gotten fired but really shot myself in the foot by drinking. I went from the "A" team in my office to the equivalent of warming the bench in the farm league because my work got really slipshod. You can avoid that.

MythOfSisyphus

Money isn't the issue; you scrape up the money to fix. There are low-cost/no-cost options if you're serious. That's the key- you have to be serious and ready to quit. There are people worse off than you that have recovered, and people who don't have it as bad as you that gave up. It comes down to being ready to change. If you're ready and serious it can happen.