Day 1, just spent my last $1.10, feel awful but hopeful
 

I relapsed again a few months ago (the longest I made it was 28 days, although, in the spirit of the lying alcoholic, I got drunk two of those days and still kept counting).

Since that time, I've lost work, gained about 40 pounds, can't sleep soundly, lost my family, friends, and my sponsor. Sometimes by week's end there were almost as many dirty dishes as there were lies I'd told. How many times did I wake up and tell myself I'd "just" drink a half pint of vodka that day, only to find, by 8 pm, that I'd gone through a liter and was on my way to buy more? You know, so that I had enough booze the next morning to make it through before the liquor store reopened.

My SO caught me stealing money from his wallet last week--a thing I never in a million years pictured myself doing--and gave me an ultimatum.

So here I am, back to day one. I don't know that I'll make it to an AA meeting today, just on account of the nausea and sweating. (Did anyone else have a great fear at their first few meetings that they'd vomit in front of everyone because they were coming down?) But instead of submitting to loneliness and despair, I thought I'd join SR and say hello. I feel like crying and am completely overwhelmed...but hopeful.

Don't ever worry about what others will think when you walk into an AA meeting. We were you once.

Still are, just not drinking today.

Welcome Phoneix. SR is a great place, and I also woudln't worry about your condition at an AA meeting, absolutely go if you think it will help.

Welcome to SR, phoenix :wave: Joining this site is an excellent step forward. You'll find lots of wisdom, experience and support here :hug: It's not too late to turn all this around.

Phoenix it is overwhelming isn't it? We are here for you.

It is overwhelming, but I am being reminded of the kindness others in recovery have shown me, and think I will make it to that meeting today after all. And stick to coffee instead of selling clothes for vodka! Which I've sadly done before.

Thank you...

I wish you well phoenix, Im on day 10, relapsed after 3 and a half months sober, Im back on the AA track but face my home group tonight for the first time since and feel apprehensive, but they've been there too. Things will get better one day at a time etc, I tried it on my own and couldn't do it.

Hi and welcome phoenixbot :)

I could never make the choice either - losing two careers never helped me make the choice...neither did two failed long term relationships, or spending my last $20 on booze instead of food.

My body made the choice for me in the end. I nearly died.

You have a chance to get of the runaway train *before* it crashes - take it phoenixbot - the first step just may be hit that meeting? :)

D

You found a great place phoenixbot - we all understand & you're never alone.

Your emotions are all over the place & it's understandable. I was so afraid to let go of it, even though it was destroying me. In the end I was drinking 'round the clock. All my best intentions flew out the window as soon as I had those first sips. I was doing out-of-character things (like you) and scaring everyone. I had to stop to save my life and salvage what I could. You can do this phoenix - we are with you.