unchartedxo

Hi all. I've posted a couple times. I need help trying to figure out why I can't seem to committee to not drinking.

I don't drink often. Maybe 1-3 times a week. Like last week, didn't drink at all Sunday through Saturday. Saturday night I has 1 beer with dinner. But then yesterday, at my husband's families house for Easter I binge drank. They are the kind of family where if someone's going to get a beer, bring another for everyone else. So, over the 8 hrs or so we were there I had like 8-10 beers. And I feel disgusting about it today. Most people shake it off like oh well, but I can't. I can't shake off getting drunk. It's a sin. I don't want my son to remember me like that, I don't want my husband to resent me, I don't want to feel bloated and fat today, I hate getting drunk.

BUT can't seem to stop drinking because I LOVE having a drink during a warm spring day outside. I love going to picnics and having a beer. I love having a glass of wine during girls night. But i HATE getting drunk. Feeling the way I feel today.

So if alcohol is causing me so much sadness, why do I like it so much still?! Help me figure out why drinking in moderation is so romanced in my head?

Dee74

You're like me - you want so much for the romance to be the reality - but the reality is we just get drunk.

We're alcoholics - once we drink, 19 times out of 20 we have no say on the outcome after that (and the 20th time we drink soon after anyway cos we think we might 'have it under control now')

It's an endless game of trying to catch a shadow, unchartedxo.
I wasted 20 years trying to do that.

You know what the sensible thing to do is.

D

ontherightpath

I am the same way.... Love to have a day with one or two drinks and hate getting drunk. Hate it!!!!! I'm getting better at staying in reality though.

Last night we stopped by our friends house and the wife of the house was drinking my fave beer. One right after another. I fantasizes for a minute and then regained my footing. No drinks for me. And no hangover or regret today.

It's a process, a slow process. But once that feeling of recovery gets in ya, it changes ya.

You'll get there.

GracieLou

I can’t answer for you but for me it is because I am an alcoholic. It is the first drink that gets me drunk. It took me a long time to realize that. One is one to many.

The only way I can deal with alcohol is to deal without it. Abstinence is the only solution to my problem.

I can be sober 1 day or 1000 and the same results are going to happen, if I drink I will get drunk. The compulsion, the obsession, the craving to have more and more will never change. I cannot control it.

I got to the point were I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

It is not always how you drink or even sometimes how much, it is what it does to our lives.

I know I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and the first step I had to take to get it was to stop drinking and get into a recovery program. Without the recovery program I would have never been able to remain sober.

I have found the why is not that improtant. I am what I am. I have accepted and my next step was to do something about it.

IOAA2

HI. We seem to want explanations and then ponder the answers then perhaps most will try to prove the answer wrong and drink anyway. I needed to "just" accept the fact that I could not drink alcohol in safety and be honest with myself about MY drinking. If we can't do that most of us will be in pain and I don't suffer well. I was saddened to need to find a way of life without being drugged but it's turned out better than I could have managed it and that happened by surrendering to some simple facts.

BE WELL

FreeOwl

I agree with what's been said so far.

For me, I consider myself a pretty logical, smart, capable, rational guy.

That was part of the reason I spent decades not admitting to myself or others that I'm an alcoholic. Always trying to find the reason WHY. WHY wouldn't I just moderate? WHY couldn't I just quit? WHY can't I seem to enjoy my life without booze and WHY - with it - did I wind up not enjoying my life either????

WHY!?!?!?

In the past couple of years I've gradually, finally been just accepting it. I've been trying to remind myself I'm a smar, rational, logical, capable guy - who is an alcoholic. Alcohol isn't something I need to try and "beat". It doesn't make me less smart, capable, rational or worthy to admit that I have a relationship with alcohol that is characterized by an inability to allow it into my life in a "healthy" or "balanced" way.

I've been on the sober path almost 4 months now and this time is feeling a lot better. A lot less of a struggle. It's not easy and sometimes that little voice in my head is still asking "why...." and starting up the chatter again. This time, though, I find myself saying "doesn't matter why". Or, "Because... you're an alcoholic".

least

I spent a lot of time agonizing over the "why". I finally stopped wondering why I drank and just committed to stopping. I don't care why I drank, just happy I don't drink anymore.

ScottFromWI

You may never figure out "WHY" you are an alcohlic, but you can stop drinking and end the regret, shame and other damage that it causes. Looking back at your other posts many of of them center around the same theme as this one - you are looking for someone else to tell you why you drink and why you can't stop. I think the reason you aren't getting the answer that you want is that we can't answer it. You have to accept that drinking is a problem and stop - no one else will be able to do that for you.

I tried for years and years to moderate my drinking or control it in every sort of way imaginable. I also kept holding on to the fantasy that i'd someday be able to just have that "one drink". But the reality for me is I drink to get drunk, and the only way I can not get drunk is to never pick up the first drink. You have to find it within yourself to really look hard at what you really want - and then make a plan to get it.

Aellyce

I understood the "why" pretty well via my job (studying the neurobiology of addiction). Was very clear, yet I could not stop for a long time, so the knowledge and awareness did not make that push. Me too, I consider myself a pretty rational, inquisitive person, but addiction does not care about that.

What helped in the end is actually "studying" recovery methods and reading all the success stories here on SR and elsewhere and starting to interact with others in recovery, or struggling. I gained a lot of inspiration from that. But that also helped only once I've made a decision that I'll try to commit to sobriety, am ready to try a variety of things, see how it turns out for me.

Mountainmanbob

have no fear

with God's help you can work on that

He wants us not to be drunkards

thus He gives us a way out

MM

Robert777

Because we are addicted to it sadly.

huntingtontx

Hi. I am sorry you are feeling confused. I don't say I can't drink, I say I don't drink. I am an alcoholic. I don't drink. End of story. Switch the cold beer for a bottle of cold tea. The wine for a glass of juice. You will feel better, and stay sober. I bring my own drinks when I go to an outing. I love green tea. I don't go into detail. I just don't drink. No one really seems to care or ask any questions. You can do this. Maybe this site will help you.
settingcaptivesfree it is a free site with help for alcohol. Good luck on whatever you do.

SoberLeigh

I have so been where you are, unchartedxo - wanting that beautiful glass of golden Chardonnay on a warm, beautiful day or on a million other occasions. Problem was (and I am sure still is if ever I would attempt it), I simply can't have just one. I pondered and agonized the "why" of it for a long time, too long. I have finally given up searching for the "why" of it - it simply IS.

Funny thing that I have found in sobriety. I now enjoy the things that I was attempting to "enhance" with the glass of wine in a more "real", truly genuine way.

Anna

I had a lot of trouble giving up the romantic idea of drinking on certain occasions. The thing is, I built the romantic aspect way out of proportion but it took awhile for me to understand that.

Have you read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp?

izzy8

Unchartered, as someone coming out of denial, stubbornly, this thread is helpful also for me. I feel like maybe I understand part of your question. For me it's been asking a lot of questions bc I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I am an alcoholic. Even though that may look differently than other peoples alcoholism, it's still the same problem. I think asking questions is good. It's a sign that you are seeking the truth. And you know what they say about the truth setting you free.

izzy8

Anna, I love your "brave" quote.

unchartedxo

I have not.

I totally get that I need to just accept things the way they are, and not focus on the whys, but man that's hard. I "why" everything in my life. It's probably very unhealthy. I feel guilty when I eat outside of my food diet plan, when I drink soda, when I don't exercise for the day, when I don't read my bible that day, when I have thoughts about negativity towards other people.......... So obviously getting drunk is another thing I feel guilty about. So again..... Why do I love alcohol when I am able to moderate?

ScottFromWI

Because you are addicted to it. And it's pretty clear from many of your posts that you can't moderate. You "think" you can because once or twice you somehow manage to only drink a few, but you clearly drink more than you plan on, it's well documented in your past posts - go back and read them.

unchartedxo

I did that earlier today. You are right that I tend to convince myself since I am able to moderate sometimes that I am able to moderate. Foolish dreams.

ScottFromWI

Don't personalize that either, it's merely a symptom of the overall addiction and we've all done it. I did it for literally years. You are fortunate to have started realizing it when you have.