biminiblue

uncharted, it sounds like you are on the breakthrough of surrendering.

Don't quit before the miracle happens.

AZliving

Unchartedxo,

One day at a time. All of quitting can be overwelming, and it is dreadful for a week or so. If you stop drinking you will find, as others have said, this beautiful life that has been given to us is even sweeter. I'm in my 4th week of not drinking, and I truly feel wonderful. I hope you find your peace. Take care, and know I will pray for all of us struggling with addiction.

unchartedxo

Since I typically only drink like once a week, I am scared that I will start being resentful of not drinking.

Ok. How to explain without it sounding odd.

The Brewhouse were my husband and I got married is one of my FAVORITE places to go. They have outside seating by the river, craft beer they brew there themselves, and the have a wildfire pizza company that comes in and does personal pizzas. Have 2 beers, a pizza and sitting by the river is one of our favorite things to do. How the hell can I still do one of my favorite things? Order soda water instead of beer?

Because again. When I have the 2 beers there, it makes me so happy. The taste is amazing. The warm fuzzies. The serene feeling.

I probably sound absolutely crazy to you all.

biminiblue

No, you don't sound crazy, we all love our alcohol. That's why we're here.

You can keep trying that whole moderation thing. No one is stopping you *shrug*

HumbleNumb

Sounds like you just posted the production notes for a beer commercial... (those always make me cringe) - They sure have a way of telling us all that we absolutely can't: have a party, completely relax, savor a meal, vacation in a tropical paradise, end a work day, or hang out with friends - without their beer.. And... I believed that lie for a long time.

unchartedxo

I'm not trying to be argumentative or sound wistful, I am just trying to paint my picture. I flow chart all my thoughts until all possible outcomes have been identified and understood. I have to remember the good and the bad of all things, play devils advocate for myself. Otherwise I feel like I am not well enough informed.

Last night I stopped myself from having that last beer that would put me from silly drunk to mad, angry, forgetting things sloppy drunk. I don't know how I did that. I told my husband to make me take a shower with him otherwise I would just sneak more beer while he was upstairs. That's never happened to me before. Even drunk me is getting sick of drunk me.

Laura567

I also think I can moderate. But I always wake up the next morning, feeling like crap after having hidden wine and drank vodka straight out of the bottle. The only way I can moderate is if there is NO alcohol present apart from what is given to me. And that is not a choice or a capability, it is merely force making me "able" to moderate.

deeker

very rarely did I have just one beer on a spring day, or 1 beer at a picnic, or 1 glass of wine on girls night out. When I pick up that 1st drink I can not stop.


I had to be sick n tired of being sick and tired and it took a long time cuz I really got sick and I really got tired but not until my entire life was destroyed.

So I guess you just have to ask yourself Have I had enough , am I done?

Are you done?

I don't think you are going to get a whole lot of support on the moderation idea. Only because many of us have tried that and we failed miserably.

Mountainmanbob

yes if I was thinking like that
I would be nuts
but to be honest with you
you sound like someone
who wishes not to stop at this time
MM

Laura567

And Unchartedxo, you don´t sound crazy. I also like a couple of beers a lot. just wish I could be happy and go home and sleep like normal people. Instead, it makes me anxious for not getting more and therefore kind of ruins the whole experience. As for saying no to alcohol to other people, I don´t have a problem with that, it is myself I struggle with. I found it very useful to say things like "am trying to loose weight", "don´t feel good drinking right know" or "trying to get in shape" or even to closer fiends "have taken a break from alcohol". But I myself dont listen to that at all... :-)

ontherightpath

I have myself the question of "I have had enough?" The answer is always yes, either during or after a binge. With time away from the last binge, the romanticizing begins. Am I incapable of remembering what alcohol has done to me? No? Am i incapable of remembering how good sobriety feels as I decide to pick up again? No.

But I am capable of being delusional I suppose, because those two things become clouded memories, until....
I pick up and mourn the loss of days strung together, or I get and stay sober and thank the heavens I stopped for a period.

DoubleDragons

I have had plenty of times when I was able to moderate "somewhat." (although I was able to do it, I can't say I ever really enjoyed moderating) I also have an entire list of horrifying/embarrassing/dangerous/scary/blackout/sickening drinking moments that I keep in my sobriety journal. My aha moment was coming to the realization that when I started drinking, I couldn't be full-proof sure that it would be a moderate night or a full-out crazy night. I had to face that I did not have the power of the guarantee. The only guarantee that I do have is that if I do not drink alcohol, I will never have to add another heinous alcohol moment to that list. I want to live by that guarantee for my husband and my children, but most importantly for me and my dignity, health and self respect.

PAINLESS66

if u drink to get drunk and forget then u have a problem drinking. If u simply enjoy the taste of beer then why not try many of the non alcoholic brands like... O"dools or something similar? i know drunks been sober for years and still drink the fake beer daily. just my opinion... good luck

OpioPhobe

Uncharted - maybe you are making it more complicated than it needs to be. My AV was great at putting together the flow charts you mentioned. At the end of the day it helped me to break it down to its simplest form. I either want to use or I don't want to use. Period. Moderation (or "chipping" in my case) was just an AV mind trick meant to make me feel OK about continuing to use. Even if I could magically get myself to use in moderation (completely impossible in the real world) I would hate it. The whole time I was "moderating" I would be fanaticizing about going back to all day everyday use.

HumbleNumb

I'd rather go through life sober believing I am an alcoholic, than go through life drunk trying to convince myself that I am not.
That is all.

AZliving

No one can convince you of stopping. It has to be your decision. Most of us on this site have made the decision to stop drinking. My decision to stop was the best decision I have ever made. We are here for you. We know what you are going through.

HumbleNumb

"Oh, I wish I had never gotten sober".. said no one, ever.

unchartedxo

Kind of like "oh, I wish I didn't do that workout@..... Said no one, ever.

Yet I haven't been to the gym yet today.

tobiano22

Have you a copy of the Big Book? Read the Drs. Opinion, and get to a meeting, share what you told us, and get a sponsor. I didnt' understand why i couldn't stop either... I also really didn't want to stop, i just wanted to moderate... which as an alcoholic, we are incapable of doing. My sponsor takes me through the Big Book and its been a truly eye opening life affirming experience.

Mountainmanbob

so glad that you brought that up
the Doctors Opinion is of most importance
for the alcoholic to read and understand

MM