This is hard
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 74
This is hard
I'm back. I thought I had myself under control, but clearly I was wrong.
This addiction continually proves to be difficult to manage. And perhaps that's where the fault in my struggle lies. Believing I can manage it. I may be able to hold it for a while, but time and time again I find myself back in the same place. At the end of a weekend bender with holes in my memory and a sore stomach wondering what happened and how I managed to get myself here.
Luckily, at the end of this long weekend, I'm only talking figuratively. A weekend that was in my youth filled with finding and consuming chocolate eggs has in my mid twenties turned into a weekend filled with finding and consuming bottles of wine. What a difference 20, 15 or even 10 years can make. I wonder what my five year old self would think of me if I met myself today. Not that that matters or would change anything.
So why am I back here? And why am I writing this post today? The first question is easy. It has two parts. I'm back in a dark place where wine has taken over and is glossing over the real world with a fantastic hazy hue that only dims when I wake up the next day. That's the first part. The second brings me to why I'm back on SR. Well I woke up today, the hue has dimmed, the headache in full force and the voice in my head is reminding me that I'm only doing myself more damage by having another drink. But the other voice in my head is telling me that more wine will make me feel better, bring that golden glow back that makes the world feel like a better place. Only it's not quite working properly... The first voice is still strong and keeps reminding me of the damage I'm doing.
So my second question. Why am I writing this post? That's a lot harder to answer. I'm still not sure what I get from this website. But the anonymity of writing here and the judgement free environment does something good to me. So I'm writing and not expecting anything in return. I feel that writing this is good. It helps me get the thoughts in my head out and to understand the situation I'm putting myself in (a situation I feel I'll never properly understand).
So I'm back. I'm here again. Figuratively and literally. No idea what I'm going to do now that I'm back. But let's hope I find the strength to do what's best.
Much love to the world, and happy easter. Xx
P.S. I don't actually hear voices. Just thought I should make that known.
This addiction continually proves to be difficult to manage. And perhaps that's where the fault in my struggle lies. Believing I can manage it. I may be able to hold it for a while, but time and time again I find myself back in the same place. At the end of a weekend bender with holes in my memory and a sore stomach wondering what happened and how I managed to get myself here.
Luckily, at the end of this long weekend, I'm only talking figuratively. A weekend that was in my youth filled with finding and consuming chocolate eggs has in my mid twenties turned into a weekend filled with finding and consuming bottles of wine. What a difference 20, 15 or even 10 years can make. I wonder what my five year old self would think of me if I met myself today. Not that that matters or would change anything.
So why am I back here? And why am I writing this post today? The first question is easy. It has two parts. I'm back in a dark place where wine has taken over and is glossing over the real world with a fantastic hazy hue that only dims when I wake up the next day. That's the first part. The second brings me to why I'm back on SR. Well I woke up today, the hue has dimmed, the headache in full force and the voice in my head is reminding me that I'm only doing myself more damage by having another drink. But the other voice in my head is telling me that more wine will make me feel better, bring that golden glow back that makes the world feel like a better place. Only it's not quite working properly... The first voice is still strong and keeps reminding me of the damage I'm doing.
So my second question. Why am I writing this post? That's a lot harder to answer. I'm still not sure what I get from this website. But the anonymity of writing here and the judgement free environment does something good to me. So I'm writing and not expecting anything in return. I feel that writing this is good. It helps me get the thoughts in my head out and to understand the situation I'm putting myself in (a situation I feel I'll never properly understand).
So I'm back. I'm here again. Figuratively and literally. No idea what I'm going to do now that I'm back. But let's hope I find the strength to do what's best.
Much love to the world, and happy easter. Xx
P.S. I don't actually hear voices. Just thought I should make that known.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 621
Hi Sydney - another Aussie SR member but newly joined today. Wow what an extremely rocky road I've had with alcohol. I had 6 years of sobriety but I picked up again and haven't been able to quit for since - 4.5 years. It just keeps getting worse. At this point in time I will lose my husband and teenage children if I can't stop drinking.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Welcome back Sydney 
I don't think anyone wants to be an alcoholic. I wanted to drink as much as I liked and suffer no bad consequences.
I spent 20 years trying, It can't be done, at least by me.
The only thing that changed was things got worse.
I found great support here - amazing support really.
But I had to commit to change.
It looks like a scary leap, but it's really not. There's loads of us here who've done it and can help
D
I don't think anyone wants to be an alcoholic. I wanted to drink as much as I liked and suffer no bad consequences.
I spent 20 years trying, It can't be done, at least by me.
The only thing that changed was things got worse.
I found great support here - amazing support really.
But I had to commit to change.
It looks like a scary leap, but it's really not. There's loads of us here who've done it and can help
D
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Our drinking, and all the terrible things that come with it, beats us up and wears us down. I alienated all the potentially supportive people with my drinking as well. I believed that I'd never be sober again, and I learned I had zero motivation to even try. I intended to die as an active alcoholic.
I had long-term sobriety before I started my three-year relapse. It was extremely difficult to put down the drink, and equally difficult to live a sober life.
Something changed along the way. Though I was miserable, I managed to stay away from drinking, about for or five months, which was long enough for me to want to live again; and a commitment to live was, for me, a commitment to live a good life. I did an inpatient detox, twenty-eight day rehab, and then outpatient treatment for a year. I was also doing daily AA meetings since I had nothing else to do and no place to go. I was broke and living on financial fumes.
That was thirty two months ago. What was true for me was that I needed to be willing to do whatever was needed in order to live a better life. Now, I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.
I had long-term sobriety before I started my three-year relapse. It was extremely difficult to put down the drink, and equally difficult to live a sober life.
Something changed along the way. Though I was miserable, I managed to stay away from drinking, about for or five months, which was long enough for me to want to live again; and a commitment to live was, for me, a commitment to live a good life. I did an inpatient detox, twenty-eight day rehab, and then outpatient treatment for a year. I was also doing daily AA meetings since I had nothing else to do and no place to go. I was broke and living on financial fumes.
That was thirty two months ago. What was true for me was that I needed to be willing to do whatever was needed in order to live a better life. Now, I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Welcome back Sydney from another Aussie. I come to SR every day because it grounds me and reminds me of where I've come from and what i could go back to, it also gives me the opportunity to pay back the wonderful support I've received.
I suggest you don't over-analyse it, you know what worked before, you know SR helped you before. Think about what you need to do differently and walk along with us one day at a time.
I suggest you don't over-analyse it, you know what worked before, you know SR helped you before. Think about what you need to do differently and walk along with us one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Sounds like you're in the early stages of recovery, or can be if you hang in there and don't ever take a drink, even one, wine or anything else. That voice you hear is your AV wanting to get alcohol back in your system. The other voice is your rational mind, gradually gathering strength. Try to strengthen your rational mind so you can tell your AV to shut up and be ignored. Reach out to others in recovery programs. Try not to risk doing it alone. Rely on counselors,doctors. Stick with it. This is the early stage of recovery. It's hard, it's dangerous, risky, but if you do these things you're going to get better. Patience, guts, persistence, determination. Good luck.
W
W
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
The voices are in your head, your brain. One is the so called addictive voice (AV) which comes from the more primitive part of your brain. It wants you to resume drinking. The other comes from the more rational part of your brain, partially numbed by drinking. It senses the danger and wants you to quit. The way to strengthen the more rational part and reduce its numbness is to make up your mind not to drink wine or anything else containing alcohol, not even one drink. Do that please. And keep posting on this SR website. Do these two things and let the others on SR advise you. Reach out to others in Recovery, Reach out. Don't isolate. Consult a congenial and friendly counselor, a doctor experienced with addiction, if needed. This can be the beginning of something really great for you. Happiness like you've never known. It's there. You can do it. Patience, guts, persistence, humility, courage, hope, love.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 27
Hi Sydney! Keep your strength up. As long as you have the will to fight, keep going. Forgive youself and focus on what you really want. I have recently quit. I just wanted to be my old happy self. When I drink, I become really selfish and ofcorase, I say and do stupid things. Its so worth leaving the drink behind! I hope you can hold your head high and believe in yourself! All the best! ~Nikki~
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: MENOMINEE Michigan
Posts: 87
Hi Sydney,
I have a grand daughter 23 years old. Her name is Sydney .I named her. She had a heart attack at 3 weeks old. She made it through. When I saw your name I thought of how hard it was for her. And now it's hard for you. Her initials are SOS. She is on the heart transplant list.
OK my point is she is struggling needing a heart and you are struggling to get sober. You both have a illness. You can do this. SOS works very hard to stay healthy and so can you.
I don't know if you go to meetings but if you don't you might want to try. They are not for everyone. They do help me.
I'll say a prayer for you today.
Good luck Sydney
Grandma Diana
I have a grand daughter 23 years old. Her name is Sydney .I named her. She had a heart attack at 3 weeks old. She made it through. When I saw your name I thought of how hard it was for her. And now it's hard for you. Her initials are SOS. She is on the heart transplant list.
OK my point is she is struggling needing a heart and you are struggling to get sober. You both have a illness. You can do this. SOS works very hard to stay healthy and so can you.
I don't know if you go to meetings but if you don't you might want to try. They are not for everyone. They do help me.
I'll say a prayer for you today.
Good luck Sydney
Grandma Diana
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Welcome back to SR, Sydney; I am sorry that you are struggling but happy that you have reached out to SR. Please keep doing that; we are in this struggle and on this journey to sobriety together.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
welcome back.
I'm glad you're here.
I remember those days... many years ago... that second voice telling me how more would make me feel better.
And, you know what? It did. It did make me feel better and so I followed that path for a long time... until over time it gradually started NOT making me feel better. Until I realized that "better" was an illusion. An illusion that came at the cost of damage to all the really good things in life.
Anyway, I'm glad to have made it through that process alive, without killing anyone and with most of my life's potential still intact.
And I'm glad you're here because hopefully the facts that you are asking, seeking, have landed here and are looking for something are indicators you're on your way to getting yourself onto a sober path decades sooner than I did.
I'm glad you're here.
I remember those days... many years ago... that second voice telling me how more would make me feel better.
And, you know what? It did. It did make me feel better and so I followed that path for a long time... until over time it gradually started NOT making me feel better. Until I realized that "better" was an illusion. An illusion that came at the cost of damage to all the really good things in life.
Anyway, I'm glad to have made it through that process alive, without killing anyone and with most of my life's potential still intact.
And I'm glad you're here because hopefully the facts that you are asking, seeking, have landed here and are looking for something are indicators you're on your way to getting yourself onto a sober path decades sooner than I did.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Hi Sydney. Welcome.
It's funny you speak of your younger self....I was reading somewhere here another member speak of how thinking of themself as a younger version, that they had to protect, actually worked to remind them to stay on the sober path.
You know that voice telling you to drink has no power, until you feed it? It's something primal, sure, that addictive voice....but it can't pick the first drink up. It will tell you lies, make it seem like it will make you happy to drink....all the persuasion....you know it, you've heard it in your mind. But you want better for yourself than that. I can tell that from your post - reflecting on the simple needs you had, and how things have gotten so complex.
I can relate...we all can in our own way. But all of us understand that you can stop...and make the next Easter you reflect on, a happy one.
Be well. It can be done.
It's funny you speak of your younger self....I was reading somewhere here another member speak of how thinking of themself as a younger version, that they had to protect, actually worked to remind them to stay on the sober path.
You know that voice telling you to drink has no power, until you feed it? It's something primal, sure, that addictive voice....but it can't pick the first drink up. It will tell you lies, make it seem like it will make you happy to drink....all the persuasion....you know it, you've heard it in your mind. But you want better for yourself than that. I can tell that from your post - reflecting on the simple needs you had, and how things have gotten so complex.
I can relate...we all can in our own way. But all of us understand that you can stop...and make the next Easter you reflect on, a happy one.
Be well. It can be done.
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