Karma2014

Hey There,

I'm new to this site yesterday. I sought this place out because I'm trying to understand so many things.

Today, I came across here, the concept of AVRT/Rational Recovery. It got my mind thinking about things.

I had 8.5 years of sobriety. Solely on my own desire and will power to quit drinking. Those years were some of the best of my life, everything was going extremely well. During that entire period, I never craved a drink.

In the summer of 2012, I met and married a woman who was/is an alcoholic and, well....my weakness has always been women . I picked up drinking again and had a substantially nasty year or so long binge that ended with law troubles and separation which is leading to divorce.

My soon to be ex, who had been in AA prior to our meeting and marrying, for ten years or so, asked me to go to an AA meeting when we both quit drinking last August 19.

In the last 245 days, I have remained sober and attended almost daily AA meetings, got a sponsor, worked the steps and have made many friends. But, I have suffered some nasty bouts of depression and cravings for a drink during this time. Some lasting days, some lasting two or three weeks. I just snapped out of a three week depression a week ago today, but felt today like I was on the edge of slipping back in.

Here's an email I wrote my soon to be ex, ten days ago or so, when I was in the depths of the dark time (excuse please some of the foul language):
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Steph. I hope you'll hear me out here. I don't mean for this to come across as a self-pity party, but understand it might seem that way.
When you were in AA all those years, did you have points where it just did not seem to be working? That it all seemed like ********? That reading the BB and the 12 & 12 only caused you to think about picking up? Talking to your sponsor and others was no help or relief at all? Getting involved in service seemed pointless and unfruitful? Feeling that no one would or could understand you?
It's where I seem to be. I have so many fears and worries and in fact the only thing that keeps me from picking up is fear. Fear of the results and aftermath.
I apologize for unloading on you, but if you can offer any words of wisdom or hope, I could sure use them.
Pre jail it all seemed to be working so well. Post jail not at all. I don't understand what the **** changed in me while in jail, but I feel I'm a far different man outside and not in a good way. I'm trying everything but nothing seems to be working.
I'm sick of one day at a time. I need a vision of better times down the road and I can't imagine there will be any.
God. I sound depressed.
It’s some small therapy to write this. Hollow. I just realized that's how I feel.
Ty Steph.
__________________________________________________ ___________

The jail part was a 43 day stint I did from a DWI charge that happened August 18 last summer.


Anyway!! My point to this whole discourse is: I had 8.5 years sober that was basically based on what they espouse in Rational Recovery/AVRT. I never suffered any of the anguish during that period as I'm suffering now while attending daily AA meetings and that whole philosophy.

I'm a tad confused and wondering if perhaps the whole AA experience is what's causing me the depression and maybe I should consider a change in my recovery philosophy!

Thanks for listening and all comments are certainly appreciated.

Scott

LBrain

I would use what worked in the past. Sorry to hear of your recent trials and doubts.

Anna

Congratulations on your recovery.

I think you should try whatever works. If you're concerned about the depression, maybe your dr could help, or maybe trying something different in recovery would help.

Dee74

Sounds like you've been through some rough things this time around.
I would definitely see a Dr if you're concerned Karma.

D

Pipefish

Ever heard that saying, 'the great thing about recovery is you get your feelings back....and the bad thing about recovery.....you get your feelings back' Am in no way making light of how you're feeling right now. Rather saying that waking up, getting sober, can be painful. Very. But it also means an opportunity to feel & experience the good stuff too. Perhaps in an entirely new way....

I can't really comment on your choice of recovery method. Only you can really know what will work for and best help you stay stopped drinking & get sober. They are two different things though, that much I do know. I certainly identify too with the irritability you describe above. Thing is for me, once I clock it, then I notice it also extending to the person in front of me who's walking too slowly, the cashier in the supermarket who either talks too much or too little, my work colleague who talks the hind leg off a donkey, and so on, ad infinitum. The irritability belongs to me & means I'm not in a good place. Personally, the AA programme has and continues to be invaluable in moving beyond that irritability & growing in sobriety. That's just my experience.

I'd question your attributing your drinking again to your choice of relationship. For me, back in the illness, I made a questionable choice of partner. Then I drank. Thing was, with the benefit of hindsight, my drinking again was just waiting to happen. The choice of partner was incidental to that, not the cause of it.
And truth is if I want to continue drinking more or less anything I can blame it on or attribute it too, I'll find it & do just that. Truth for me was I had no idea how to handle feelings & emotions sober. I'm learning how to now & have the comfort that this is a lifelong endeavour.Great. I no longer need to be perfect.

There's an excellent talk someone posted on here (thank-you to whoever it was) on you-tube - Tom B - emotional sobriety &12 step recovery. Like you, I drank after an extended period of not drinking (12 years) & if you can overlook its AA provenance, it spoke volumes to me about where I'd got to in that 12 years.

Truly recognise that AA's not for everyone. But I also recognised a lot of where I was at in your post. Disappointed & angry, with myself mainly, & not sure which way to jump. I jumped into the AA programme & it's helped immeasurably. Genuinely hope you find what will most help you.

Wish you well

heath480

I doubt AA is making you feel depressed.Alcoholism is progressive,you are probably more damaged by your latest bout of drinking.

If a different recovery method worked for you before,it is definitely worth trying again.AA is not for everyone.

A visit to your GP is a good idea,depression is serious and you may need help to deal with it.

courage2

Karma, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Seeing a dr might help, as others have said.

Also, daily meetings and immersion in AA may not be for you. I did AA daily, steps, service, a sponsor, for about 8 months. It got so it felt more like pressure. I'm glad I didn't quit completely, but I'm more at the fringes of AA now -- and happier. It turns out there are a lot of us on the AA fringes, who go to meetings regularly, and stay sober, but for one reason or another find that the program is too intense. It turns out that you actually can "take what you want & leave the rest."

I wish you better times ahead!

StormiNormi

The AA program certainly demands we look inside of ourselves for the root cause of our alcohol addiction. I have done the steps, and relapse. My sponsor suggests that I am resistant to one step, and if I cannot fully understand in my inner soul the purpose of each step, then I am not yet ready for the next. Those who get the program say, once you fully adopt the program of AA, you will no longer have the desire to drink, and will be recovered. I am not at all familiar with the other sobriety programs available. To me, the AA program makes sense. I have to change from the inside out. Best wishes on your success in sobriety