Mrrryah1

Had an ok weekend. My fiancé came home and I stayed sober. Now he's gone again and I'm depressed, I feel like I want to die, I'm so lonely and afraid and I think I'll end up a the liquor store tonight but I'm trying to take it one minute at a time and stay on SR and try to stay sober.... I just feel so incredibly lonely. I feel like I don't know a single person in the world I can call or reach out to. I've burned a lot of bridges, probably purposely sabotaged, and I don't have any recovery supports anymore. I was really messed up last week, high and drunk, and took a video of myself doing a bunch of different drugs in my car and sent it to my old sponsor, the one person that really knows me and always stuck by me when I relapsed. So now she's done with me. Like omg who does that?? Me because I'm absolutely insane and sabotage anything good for me. Wow. I honestly never want to show my face in the rooms of AA again..... Ugh.

1stepup

Stay close, self sabotage seems to be a common theme in us all, just when things are about to come good for me I press the self destruct button. missed a job interview just over a week ago that could have changed my life but I drank before it and just couldnt stop. Its a form of self abuse, ive also phoned a past sponsor up drunk and blaming him and AA for my predicament so you're not alone there either. They've been there too probably though so understand the insanity. You're not alone- you're here. Wish you all the best. x

Mrrryah1

Sitting here bawling in my bed..... thanks 1step your post really helped me to not feel quite as unique and awful and alone. And thank u for who PM'd me their number. I'm too shy and awkward to call but it means a lot nonetheless.

Goldcoastgirl

I can feel your pain thru this post myrrrah1. You need more support but please don't give up hope. You are not a bad person, you are just giving away your power and self control and making bad choices. You need to do this for you, you are worth it x

MythOfSisyphus

We're here for you! It's not always easy but don't give up, Mrrryah1.

Karma2014

Hey there,

I'm now sober from booze for 245 days. The first 6 months were no big deal. Was pretty calm and serene, but the last two have been an emotional roller coaster.

I understand completely the feelings of depression, loneliness and fear. They come to me unannounced and for no particular reason and then I want to pick up to ease the mental anguish.

It's only the fear of what would happen if I did drink that keeps me from picking up.

There are online meetings through Paltalk, if you want a meeting but can't get out.

Everyone always says to me when I have these periods "this too shall pass" and they have every time. Usually just as unexpectedly as they started.

Hang in there.

Hevyn

Hi Mrrryah. You're never alone.

I did bizarre and self-sabotaging things when drunk too. The person who behaved that way wasn't even me. She began to fade and disappear as I got sober and changed my life. I hope you'll be kind and patient with yourself. Give yourself chance to heal and move forward - try to stop looking in the rearview mirror. You can rise above this bad phase and have a great new life. Please keep posting and talking to us - we care about you.

Mrrryah1

Thanks Hevyn <3 bizarre and self sabotaging is definitely the perfect description for my recent actions

Anna

I was the Queen of Self-Sabotage and I destroyed a lot of good things in my life. Actually that happened years before I began drinking, so I guess I didn't think I had harmed myself enough.

I was spiralling down very fast and I knew I had to make a choice to get out of the cycle of ruining things for myself. Take a breath and believe that you deserve a good life. Speak the words to yourself over and over again until they take hold.