needtogrowup

Its around 12:30 pm the 4th of July..And I can't sleep. Last night I couldn't sleep either. I thought for sure I'd be so tired tonight that it would be okay. Oh well, its nothing I can't bear and get thur.. The topic here seems too be answering my thoughts as I tried to get to sleep.
I had enormious..issues that are currently happening around me within my family circle that cause grieving..loss of my grandson by CPS, the loss of my grandaughters mom's attention due to active addiction. My son's lack of motivation to do anything because of his addictions..My boyfriend being arrested for trying to made a few dollars so he would eat..(all co-dep issues).
These are not from the past..the past has severe guilt ridden issues like my son blinding my bf in one eye by accident, my baby being stillborn while I smoked and not being able to have a home for my grandchildren to have with while their parents work on theirselfs
Okay..I am doing what I need to do now, today..to be the grandma and mom and member of society that I was meant to be..But How do I trust myself to do the right thing? I am not sure where to start after and while I am not using?
I am unable to decide how best to take care of me. What is best for me? Do I go to a treatment program for the homeless? Should I go to County Mental Health for counselling and pscy meds which have help me in the past?
I got a call about a job, but will they drug test me? Will I be rejected because of my bad credit, garinesments and evictions? I have a great resume, but my personal life is a shambles and it shows on background checks..
When I work..I feel good about myself..but I also can't seem to use my time and money to any constructive use.
I know the answers on some level..but have a hard time knowing what to do next. Which step comes after which? I know the first step is not to use. Where do I go next? Everytime I try something I think might teach me a life experience that I need,I get chicken and run back to a safe place..the comfort zone.. I am afraid and almost need someone to take my hand and go with me to wherever it is I should be.
I guess I need counselling and meetings..for a start..It really sucks not being numbed by my weed.. thanks for allowing me to post and reach out?
Do you guys think CMH will help me yet? I was told by them over a year ago that they will not give me Prozac or meds while I am smoking weed. How long do I have to wait until they do? guess I should go ask them right? These are all the questions that confuse me..like which one do I do next..? I feel like I am on speed almost as I am used to being stone even if just a little bit..to relax me..help me eat and/or sleep.
My heart brakes over my children and grandchildren and boyfriend..I know albout detachment..and being stoned was an unhealthy way of detaching from my emotions about grieving for these things.. Sorry if I am reading a book..I really need help. On one level I know what to do..but not which to do next. Work or get into a program? I have no money, no transportation so..I need help w/o having any financial resources.
I look forward to reading your feedback tommrow. I need clarity..
Thank you for being here .. I will always try to be positive and grateful and honest and willing (will maybe not as willing as I should be) OKAY guys and gals Goodnight. randa

In memory of miracle

Thank you so much for posting.I can only tell you about myself .For me I had to put my recovery first .I found through many attempts at sobriety that if I didnt i lost whatever I put in front of it.In the begining my mind raced and I felt alot of anxiety but thankfully after begining an out patient treatment program and attendance at aa meetings I began to feel better.I got back on my meds and began to sleep again.Sometimes I haveto keep reminding myself to keep my head where my feet are even if I haveto say it over and over,I use one day at a time alot and in the begining it was 5 minutes at a time.In meetings and treatment I found the support I needed to stay clean..I hope this helps you! I am pullin for you ! Prayers ^ Trish

ted

"KEEP MY HEAD WHERE MY FEET ARE" THANKS FOR THAT.

(((TRISH)))
...ted :rambo:

needtogrowup

Good morning all, was able to sleep after I posted that book. Yea..thanks for your feedback trish...I need to get to meetings and some treatment program and poss get back on meds..One day at a time...just keep myself focus on recovery. Love you guys. ran

In memory of miracle

God I hate to whine but Im gonna cause I need support.Physically I feel like crap ! I am havin physical pain that is makin me a little crazy !*lol* a little ! I have arthritis which has been wailin lately than before my eyes my knee started to blow up ! I spent my 4th in the ER to find out I have a cyst on the back of my knee which could burst at anytime !Also the day before that *relationship* I wasnt supposto be in went sour ! Like thats a shocker !####@@@***** (swears) Well I am makin myself laugh now! love you guys ! Help ! :argue: Trish ($hitterday) lol ((dan))