Surrender.
 

It's funny how every time I use I convince myself that I'll be able to take my will back, just for a second, to "have fun" and then give it back to God and get right back on track.... ha WRONG.

I used again two weeks ago. All of the peace and joy of staying clean, going to meetings and turning my will over to my Higher Power vanished. Well actually, all of that good stuff vanished(or maybe I just couldn't find it) 2 weeks prior when I relapsed the first time. So for 4 weeks I was fighting and struggling to control everything and anything around me. I was cutting myself again, lashing out at people, calling others vulgar names, and turning my back on God. I was miserable.

I ended up getting mental health arrested a week ago for cutting real deep and locking myself in my room. And after that I realized, no matter how much I hurt myself, lash out at people, try to control things, or feel sorry for myself, It will NEVER get me ANYWHERE. I realized I was doing nothing that month but digging and digging myself into a pit of misery. I read step 3 in the Big Book and made the decision to let things happen the way they're supposed to.

It's only been two days and I feel better than I have all month. I'm praying every day now and going to meetings. All is well right now, just thought I'd check in with you all.

Hope you continue to get well, Jake.

I'm really glad that you got the help you need Jake.

You can do this!

Hello Jakec,

I will pray for you. Looks like you have been having a difficult time.

Your addiction doesn't own you. Remember that you are more precious than you might think in the eyes of god. About hurting yourself, I hope there won't be a next time. Breaks my heart to hear this. Next time you feel down hit SR hard, PM me if you want I will try my best to help.

You got this, keep pushing forward.

Take care

Welcome back Jake! I'm probably a bit older then you and it took me quite a long time to realize I couldn't even control myself, so how the hell could I control anything/anyone else? I have learned to just take life as it comes and do my best in whatever i'm doing. It is all good, even the bad stuff, as long as I don't drink! Glad your feeling better ! Hope to see you more on SR. A lot of help is available here. Happy Easter! Stay Strong and Well ! Bobby

Hi Jake. So sorry to hear that you've been struggling. Made me sad to hear that you've been hurting yourself and have been so miserable. But now you're back on track, which is great. You have a lot of friends on SR - real people who really care about you. Post more. We want to hear from you, and walk with you on your journey.

Glad you're back.

Thanks everyone. I apologize for not posting more but I'm only home from rehab on the weekends so that's the only time I can post.

Next time you feel that way Jake - read some old posts. Remind yourself. Centre yourself. Think about the Jake you want to be.

Cut that AV off at the knees, ok? :)

D

Oh Jake, that is painful to read about your relapse. I know this is really difficult. All these people, including me, are here for you. Of course, we both know, that doesn't mean much when you have convinced yourself to use. Thinking of you often Jake. (We have a kinship Jake, we were born on the same day!). Blessings Friend.

good to hear you are back Jake. Sending positive energy to you.