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Old 07-01-2004, 03:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Problems with significant others


Hi everyone,

I am just wondering what you all have to say about how your spouses/significant others are dealing with your attempts to become/stay sober.

My own best (I say this a little dubiously) experience has been that my b/f is glad I am no longer drinking. (Makes me wonder how he saw those episodes, but his way of living with this is that we have had the discussion and now we don't need to talk about it anymore.) I am not saying this is bad, but as those of us who have a problem with alcohol know, out of neccesity a chunk of our being is now devoted to staying sober, and to how to do that.

I feel in some ways I am not totally sharing the nature of my life with him if I cannot talk to him about this. Yet, maybe it is not necessary. I have always loved the ideal that two people who are very close know everything about each other but maybe that is never the case....

All opinions welcome!

Gianna
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Old 07-01-2004, 04:41 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Men are different than women when it comes to talk...
Men often need time to gather their thoughts on a matter. I tell my H when you have had a chance to think about it let's talk about_________.(fill in the blank) I seem to get more from him in the way of communication if I do it this way.

Congrats on getting sober!!
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Old 07-01-2004, 06:23 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gianna
I feel in some ways I am not totally sharing the nature of my life with him if I cannot talk to him about this. Yet, maybe it is not necessary. I have always loved the ideal that two people who are very close know everything about each other but maybe that is never the case....

All opinions welcome!

Gianna
Hi Gianna,
I cant really give advice on this since I've just recently quit drinking myself.
But I can relate to your situation. I also cannot talk to my s/o(wife of 16 yrs)
She just cannot comprehend the power of addiction and the hold it can have. She still drinks(a few beers) and smokes pot on the weekends while Im trying to remain sober. It makes it extremely hard to stay sober when the party is all around you and you are trying to stay clean.
I've come to the conclusion(for now) that this is just something I have to do pretty much on my own. Im always going to be faced with people drinking or using around me,it's just the way of the world for alot of people.
It would be so much easier if the S/O would understand what we are going through but the fact remains while our problem is not unique(we can tell that from all the people that post) what is also unique is that there are people who will never understand what it's like to go through the frustration and pain of addiction. Sometimes(especially in a relationship) that can be a very lonely feeling and yet another steep hill to climb to survive this.
I wish I had answers for you but I dont. Just that I feel what you are
feeling. Maybe someone who has gone through this will give you some advise on this thread that will help us both.
Again, my conclusion(since I sincerely want my marraige to stay in tact)
is that it's my problem and just something I have to go through by myself in the relationship and try to be a better husband because of it. Thats all I can do.
Good luck and I hope others will respond to this
CRS
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Old 07-01-2004, 06:59 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi Gianna
I'm just wondering; did your b/f tell you he didn't want to talk about it any more, or are you assuming that because he doesn't bring it up? One thing I have learned (through counselling) is that I need to lower my expectations of others and try to accept them as they are. Aside from that, if you feel the need to share more deeply with your partner (which I feel is quite natural), then communicate that to him. We assume sometimes that our partners must know how we are feeling, when really, they don't. Especially men LOL
You have your sobriety, and that is a real gift. Good to have you here!
Love, Rowan
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Old 07-01-2004, 07:23 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Gianna,

My experience is the same as yours. We were married for many years before I began drinking and shared everything. But my husband does not want to share this. He sees it as my problem and I need to fix it and keep it fixed. End of story. He is completely closed off as to the idea that our relationship contributed to the drinking, which it definitely did. It's frustrating and disappointing because sharing it could have brought us closer. Instead, a big part of me is shut off from him and one of the downsides of not drinking has been a distance that has developed between us. It's not something I would want to discuss every day, but the reasons why I turned to alcohol are very significant and how I moved forward is important too. It makes me feel very alone and that he doesn't accept the real me.

Love, Anna
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Old 07-01-2004, 07:40 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I need help understanding

My husband recently told me that he was addicted to Crack. I knew that things were not right, because money was missing from our accounts. He was not going to work as he normally would. He was lying to me. He told me the truth around the first of May and promised me he would come to me if he needed the drugs again to let me help him. He would not seek out help. Right after this our home which was in a bad neighborhood burned down due to the wirings. Instead of rebuilding we bought a house in a better neighborhood. I am currently eight monts pregnant and we have a 16 year old daughter also so I really did not want my children in this neighborhood any longer. My husband swears to me that he has not used since we moved and I want to believe him, but things are not adding up again. I need some advice on what to do. I want him to get help, if he does not get help I don't think our marriage is going to last.
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Old 07-01-2004, 08:56 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi Gi!

I had thought about the same awhile back. I guess I really didn't know how I wanted him to participate in my revovery. But today I'm content in him just still being here with me, supporting me in his own way, and I'm grateful now, I get to wake up in the morning with him still here. That's all I need now to feel satisfied.

I've learned that non-program people just don't get it and perhaps never will, but so long as they support us, love us, and continue to try and grow with us, that's the blessing.
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Old 07-01-2004, 09:04 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Amen, Chy.

I feel the same way.

Anna
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Old 07-01-2004, 11:24 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Such an interesting question. I've said nothing about it to my wife, and I'm sure she's wondering where the bottles have gone for the past six days (although I'm sure she's also grateful for a break). Just can't bring myself to talk about it with her yet. Honesty requires me to do it, but I haven't, and don't know when I'll be able to.
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Old 07-01-2004, 02:32 PM   #10 (permalink)
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So called "normis" don't get it, and generally never will. Honesty is critical in any quality relationship that's going to last. An open, honest relationship where you CAN discuss how you feel, at any time, no matter what.

If you can't say how you feel, and what makes you tick, then somebody is going to suffer.

IMHO, a s/o should work hard to understand what this addiction is all about, and not just sweep it under the carpet and pretend it's not there.......or that it's "OUR" problem. That's not a relationship, at least one I want.

Tom
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