Question:tell kids "mom is an alcoholic" or "mom struggled with alcohol"
 

Hey guys: I have a question. Is it wisest and best(at the appropriate time), to tell kids, "mom is an alcoholic" or "mom struggled with alcohol"?

I'd really appreciate any constructive thoughts on this one. I have a professional counseling background and have learned the importance of identity- personal and as a family.

I'm willing to do or say whatever is healthy and appropriate to heal (and stop this family cycle that I want to end with me). But I believe that how this is handled with my children is very important in regards to their future.

Thank you for your thoughts!

I just told my kids that I don't drink anymore because it's not good for me.

Need more information! How old are they? Why are you telling them? Is this going to explain ongoing drinking or reference past drinking?

Good question and thx for that first response: simple maybe but for me, not so much.

They are old enough to know that something is going on but I wAs not an "outwardly drunk" type- so I just want to be honest with them some day. They've been asking questions about where I've been going(aa meetings). And I've promised that I'll tell them all about it someday.

It's something I struggled w for 6 years mostly after losing a baby.

If I continue in aa, someday they are going to know. In aa you say, my name is ... And I'm an alcoholic". That's kind of a big deal if you never even knew your mom had a problem, y'all were close, and you've had a family history (beyond mom) that caused a lot of pain due to her overt alcoholism(their grandmother).

We as alcoholics many times overthink our addiction, and we definitely obsess about it. We think our problems are worse or different from others, when in reality they are not. We also sometimes assume that we hid our drinking, especially from our kids. In reality, they already know a lot more than we think.

It can be as simple as saying you don't drink anymore. It's the honest truth and if they ask why, just tell the truth...because drinking was bad for you and we are happier and healthier if we don't drink.

Thanks Scott, yes I overthink! that is so helpful :)

Izzy, I don't think most kids appreciate the subtlety of euphemisms, those exist to make adults more comfortable, kids respond best to direct and honest information. I also think kids know exactly what goes on in their homes, both the spoken and the unspoken. The more directly honest you are with your children, the more directly honest they will be with you, and if you are dishonest with them, you are essentially giving them permission to be dishonest with you.
I know it's hard, but your kids will respect you so much more if you are fully honest with them.

Thanks. I would never be intentionally dishonest w them. Bc we are so open and honest w one another, I want to handle that honestly also. I think bc recovery is so new to me, it's all new. Great thoughts!

Izzy when I was driving home from detox I knew I had four boys waiting, one in his late teens, one about to become a teenager, and two that were a few years younger. One the drive I wondered the same thing, what do I say and how and to who. If they are old enough to know then they know, would kind of put in the category of do my parents still "do it". With those I chose to make it a lesson, as I know there are pressures out there for kids of that age. That life has choices and you have made some bad ones, but life also provides the chance for opportunity and you have been given one. That the key to life is really accepting and learning from not only good choices but especially the bad ones, and that truly the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results. With the younger ones I kept it simple and to the point, I dont even think drinking ever came up....it was daddy is home and he is happy lets go out to the pond and skate, and we did for four hours....ultimately that has to be your choice and I think alot depends on the audience. Scott had some great points, we do over think, would I have done it differently, I dont know, but I do know I did and still do overthink it.

I knew my parents weren't typical by age 5...

My little ones were about 3 and 6 when
a family intervention took place. Both
of my babies tried to wake me for their
last day of vacation bible and couldn't.

They were very much aware that I
was not well and was taken to the
hospital for evaluation. I was placed
in a rehab facility where I stayed for
28 days and family took care of my
little ones keeping their daily lives on
schedule and not causing much concern.

That was in August 1990 when that
happened, but back up to Feb. 1990,
on my way home from a club, wee hours
of the morning, less than a mile away,
I ran off the road thru some construction
hitting a concrete culvert sitting on top
the ground.

I was transported to the hospital via EMS
where I stayed 10 day with them removing
my punctured spleen and fluid from my lung
along with numerous broken ribes, bones,
contusions....I was a mess.

At that time, my little family was aware
of what had happened to me, and pictures
were also taken of my demolished car for
my civil trial later on.

Those picture of my wrecked car and
what I looked like before, during and
after my accident left a lasting impression
on all of us and a life long reminder
of to not drink and drive.

My recovery became extremely important
to me within my family. I became a responsible
mom and wife within recovery sharing my own
ESH - experiences, strengths and hopes with
them and others.

I thank my HP - Higher Power for protecting,
caring and guiding my little ones during my
recover. No one in my little family had an
addiction problem but me, and thus, even
tho they received knowledge of my addiction,
none of them actually knew what it was like
to be one.

There was lack of true understanding
and communication within my little
family because I was the only one
living a recovery program in my life.

The others saw no need for a program
that is offered to each member of a
family living with someone in recovery
because they were not sick.

23 yrs later, I am still on my recovery
journey and my little ones are all grown
up with no addiction problems living
life to the upmost. Both my husband
and I ended our 25 yr marriage and
eventually remarried.

I always talked to my little ones all
the time because I didn't want them
to get the wrong information from
others about life with all the good
and bad.

Drugs and alcoholic is alive and well
and hasn't changed. I educated my
babies to the best of my ability and
fed them with information to take with
them in life.

What they decided to do with it was
in their hands. Seems as tho, they
listened and did use it to their own
advantage to live a healthy, happy
life.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Lord...!!!! :)

izzy, depends on the entire situation and the age of your children, lot's of variables to consider.

Hi Izzy, I think I knew my father had a problem when I was about 6, at 8 I was sure when he came home from work and finished the cold bottle ofGallo Port my mother put in the fridge for him, and he trained me to go in the front cellar and refill it 2-3 times a night from the gallon jug. Or when on the way to my Uncle's house I had to reach over the steering wheel to press the pushbutton for the transmission on our 1956 Desoto Firedome family car, he couldn't see the right one to push! After numerous beatings with his belt when he was drunk for nonsense, I grabbed it at 9yo and told him enough and ran away from home. I still went to school and one day 2 detectives walked into my 4th grade class , handcuffed me infront of my friends/classmates and drove me upstate to a home for boys, where I witnessed and not willingly participated in some pretty bad things. needless to say after many visits upstate due to an overzealous probation officer, I declined going to his funeral in cuffs at his ripe old age of 62. I am now going to be 59 in August and I wish they hadn't hushed it up and sent me away for my own good! Hope you decide to do what is best for ALL of you. Stay Strong and Well! Bobby

both seem to be fitting

main thing is that she is sober today

MM

MMBob,

I love your posts and really think you should be writing some poetry.

June

thank you


"The Love of Writing"



We keep writing

because that's what we do

just as love

I want to give more to you.

Get my thoughts down on paper

deliver them through

just one more time

yes, that will do.

Writing is like love

good for the heart

as we do it again

once more it's on fire

a brand new start.

The beginning of something special

pen and love you are

thoughts of writing and love

seeing that far away star.



Bob B 01-26-06

Izzy,

I don't know, dear. I have an 11-year-old. I have mostly just tried to be a better mom. But I send you a hug, mother to mother. I know how hard it is, so I won't judge.

((((Hugs)))

June

What can I say? Beautiful!!!

June

Aasharon, thanks for sharing your story. How wonderful that you have such a happy ending. MM, I always enjoy your posts, too. Love the poem!

As far as what to say about going to AA meetings, I think it's ok to say you go to a support group instead of specifically saying you go to AA. It's ok to be 'anonymous' even in your own family.

If I told my family I was in AA, it would case a lot of drama and pain, even though it's the honest truth. I prefer not to tell them in order to spare them the pain and me the drama. I am HONEST about my alcoholism with people that it's constructive to tell, like here on SR and in my AA meetings.

Is it constructive to tell children you're an alcoholic? I don't think it would be helpful for me to tell that to my niece and nephew, both of whom are under 16. If I had adult nieces and nephews who had a bit more life experience and some context for alcoholism or addiction, I'd probably be more open.

If you're in AA maybe ask some older, sober members for their input, or your sponsors if you hav eone.