Chriscnc

So I'm going to apologize ahead of time because this May be long. Please take the time to read this and if you have any similar stories that you went or are going through please tell me. So basically about 2 years ago I was at work when I seriously crushed my hand and had to have my left index finger amputated off. There was a total of four surgeries all which I had gotten prescribed pain killers for but I wasn't hooked until right after my first surgery.. I literally can't go an hour without thinking about taking pills and trying to find them. I can't go more then a day without them. It's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing at night. I spend soo much money on them but that's not the problem.. The problem is, I am ruining my life. I feel so pathetic and just like such a disgrace for letting a pill take over my life. If I don't take any pain killers during any day I feel SO sore and just have no motivation to do anything at all. I just feel so down and sluggish without them and that's why I can't stop because of how I feel without them. I have tried a couple times but I just always give in, and EVERY time I give in I beat myself up on the inside about just how pathetic it is. I don't wanna take them anymore. I wish I never had them in my life in the first place. Now I can't go to rehab because I have an amazing job "still the same job I got hurt at"and i sure as hell don't want to be put on anything to make me stop taking them such as suboxone because I WILL abuse that. The feeling that I'm so hooked to is that real euphoric feeling you get right when they start kicking in.ugh I fiend for that feeling. But I literally can't quit! My best friend knows how bad it is and I tell him I want to quit and he says no if you wanted to quit you would. But that is not true in any way. I want to stop taking them more then anything but I just can't. I don't know if it's because I don't talk to anyone about my problem I just try to hide it? Or if I'm just so ashamed about it I'm forcing myself to believe it's not that big of a deal.. Which I know this is horrible. I'm sorry if I posted in the wrong spot or whatever but I need some words of encouragement. I don't know what to do or where to go. I'm losing my entire life to prescription pills. I HATE who I have become. I tell myself every time okay this is the LAST time. Then I sober up and start craving it. I am so lost. Please please please.. Help

biminiblue

My friend, that is the definition of addiction.

There is help. Be kind to yourself and stop now. If you can't do it yourself, there are many people who would help you, but you'll need to ask.

This is a great forum for support. You can kick this.